Luka pressed harder on the down button, using all his will to make the elevator arrive faster. So far though, his will wasn't enough. Not enough to bring the elevator to the floor. Not enough to make John better. Old emotions were threatening to merge with new ones and he could feel a scream welling up in the back of his throat. He hadn't been able to keep his lover from being hurt, just as he hadn't been able to protect his family. He was about to pound on the elevator doors when they slid open and he rushed inside, nearly knocking over the small person who had been trying to exit on the floor. He reached out to steady the woman, belatedly realizing it was Abby Lockhart.

"Dr. Kovac, are you okay? Has something happened?" Abby was worried that either Lucy or John Carter were dead.

"They're both in surgery and the nurses at the desk say that the surgeries are going well. I just...can't stay here."

Abby nodded. "I know what you mean. I don't want to go home without knowing how they are, but I don't feel comfortable hanging around the hospital. I was thinking about going over to Doc Magoos for some coffee. You're more than welcome to join me."

Luka found himself nodding. "I'd like that. I don't want to be alone right now. But, I have to change first. I just now noticed that I'm wearing John's...that this scrub top isn't wearable."

Abby nodded again, wondering why he hadn't found the time to change earlier. The first thing she had done once Carter had gone upstairs was to find a clean lab coat. And Chen had found a scrub top to cover the blood stains on her dress. A dress she vowed to never wear again. Abby had decided then that wearing dresses to work was not a good idea. You never knew what would get on it and then what would you do? Change completely? Cover it up as Chen had? It wasn't a question that Abby ever wanted to answer.

"I'll meet you there," she said as she stepped out of the elevator. She watched the doors close, thinking that Kovac looked panicked. She hadn't heard that he and Carter were close friends or him and Lucy, either. But, he had been the second person to enter that room, so Abby supposed he was having a delayed reaction to the scene they had encountered. She made her way to the nurses desk, grateful to see that two of the nurses there were people she knew.


After changing, Luka threw the scrub top in the hazardous waste bin with the bloody gloves and gowns. He had used the one in trauma one, not wanting to risk going back into trauma two. He knew that he would still see John there - pale and still. Bloody. He swallowed heavily against the bile that was rising in his throat and he rushed outside, not even bothering to say goodbye to anyone. Not that they would notice. Everyone was too caught up in what they were doing to notice. Mark Greene was busy with a patient and Luka neither knew nor cared where Kerry Weaver had gotten off to. How dare she blame him for the stabbing? As if he would want John hurt. And yet, in his heart, he knew that he was partly to blame for the incident. He had been in charge and he had let things get out of control. Maybe if there had been no party they would have heard Lucy cry out for help. Or John. Maybe someone would have noticed that Sobriki was running around with a knife. Kerry's words echoed in his brain as he leaned over the trash can, retching. "You were having a party!" She had accused him. And then Mark had turned the tables on her, seeming to put the blame on John. Luka had almost gotten back into the argument then, wanting to defend John. But, Chuny interrupted them to say that Sobriki's wife was there looking for her husband. Looking for the sick bastard that had nearly killed John and Lucy. Might still kill them. They weren't out of surgery yet. And Kerry had looked over at him, her eyes watery, her face tired, Lucy's blood smeared on her sweater, and asked him to talk to the woman. As he had walked with Samantha Sobriki to chairs, the scrub top had touched his skin and he felt a cold dampness - John's blood. It had soaked the top and Luka had to sit there with John's blood touching his skin and find a gentle way to tell Samantha Sobriki what her husband had done.

Wiping his mouth, Luka reflected that he had first felt sorry for Mrs. Sobriki, but her fierce denial had soon gotten on his nerves. He had wanted to grab her by the shoulders and scream at her - tell her that someone he loved had been stabbed by her husband and she had better tell them where he might be. But, he didn't. As usual, he had held it all inside. And now he didn't think he could hold any more in. He ran across the street, but once inside the diner he headed straight for the men's room. He spent a long time bent over the sink rinsing his mouth, then finally decided to see if Abby had arrived.

He found her seated at a booth near the door, a cup of coffee on the table in front of her, but she wasn't drinking it. He watched as she stared off into space, knowing that she was reliving the trauma. After signaling to the waitress that he wanted a cup of coffee, he silently slid into the seat across from her.

"It isn't often that you have to treat someone you know," he said.

"I know," she replied. "It's still unnerving. Especially with Sobriki back."

"Sobriki's in the hospital?" he sharply asked. Under the table, his hands clenched as he imagined that man's throat within his grasp.

"He was hit by a car and brought in. Malik recognized him. The man was...terrified. He kept begging us to not stick him, saying that they wouldn't stop sticking him. I guess he meant Doctor Carter and Lucy. Doctor Weaver became so upset that she had to leave the room and then Doctor Greene came in to take care of the man. I guess they couldn't find you then."

"That was probably for the best," he spit out. "I would have gladly killed the bastard for what he did to John."

Abby looked at him intently. "I didn't know that you and Doctor Carter were close friends," she ventured to say.

"We're lovers." Luka hadn't meant to say that to her, but the words he had been holding back all evening had escaped him. He'd had to distance himself from John in order to treat him, and in Luka's heart, he felt as if he had betrayed their love by doing that.

"Oh." Abby didn't know what to say to that. It obviously wasn't a joke because the man looked as if he was about to cry. "You shouldn't have treated him."

"I know that. But, it was clear that Kerry couldn't treat him. She was having a difficult enough time taking care of Lucy. Abby, please don't tell anyone what I've told you. No one else knows about this. We've somehow managed to keep it a secret."

"I won't tell anyone, Doctor Kovac."

"I think that in light of what I just told you, you can call me Luka now."

She nodded, thinking he was right. It was certainly more than she had wanted to know about him. Or about John Carter. Mentally, she shook her head as she wrote off the two most eligible men in the ER. She had been separated a long time before beginning divorce proceedings against her husband and she was ready for a decent relationship. She had found Luka to be darkly mysterious and intriguing -- a definite possibility. And John Carter was charming and sincere, a genuinely caring individual who also happened to be handsome. Another definite possibility. And now she was finding out that they were only possibilities with each other. Damn.

"How long... I mean, have the two of you been together for a long time?" She knew she was blushing, but she couldn't help it. She could tell that Luka needed to talk. She just didn't know what to talk about.

"Since Christmas Day. I'd taken Carol and her babies home, then was heading home myself. I saw him on the side of the road with a flat tire, and stopped to help. Then we spent Christmas together." Luka realized how little information that actually was. It had been so much more complicated than that -- and so simple. They'd discovered each other that day.

He found himself telling Abby about Carter's family, how they refused to respect John. He told her how hurt John was by their disdain for his work, how the Carter family regarded the hospital as somehow beneath them. John was good, too good, at covering up the pain this caused him. Luka also admitted to Abby what he didn't want to tell John -- that they would probably never change their minds. The love John wanted from his family would probably never be his, but Luka would make up for it in any way he could.

"You really love him, don't you?" Abby gently asked.

"I'm not ashamed to admit that I do. He's everything to me, Abby. I can't lose him. I've lost so much already - my wife and children. Other members of my family - I can't add him to that list. I won't."

"He'll be fine, Luka. Anspaugh and Benton are both excellent surgeons. The nurses on the surgical floor told me that both of them care a lot about Carter. He's in good hands, Luka. They won't let him die."

"In my mind, I know that you're right. It's my heart that's having trouble believing that."

"He'll live. He has to live. Carter is a good person. He supervised me with a rough case today."

"Oh? Tell me about it."

Abby found herself telling Luka about everything that had happened. About her doubts and fears and Carter's insistence that she do as her patient wanted and not as she wanted. About how Carter tracked her down on the roof to talk with her. To comfort her. To reassure her.

"John's right about that, you know. You never get used to it." Luka said, a soft smile playing upon his mouth as he pictured John telling her that.

Abby was about to reply when Dave Malucci and Jing-Mei Chen entered the diner. They called them over and the four of them sat together to talk about the stabbing, the traumas afterward, and how they were feeling.

Luka listened to the others as they speculated about what had happened. He didn't really care about the hows and the whys. All he cared about was whether or not he could have done something to prevent it. Whether any of them could have done anything to keep John and Lucy safe. He also couldn't forget the fact that he and John had made plans for Valentine's. He remembered the look on John's face earlier when he had reached into the pocket of his lab coat and found the candy hearts. Luka had taken advantage of the fact they were standing side by side at the admit desk earlier and he grinned as he watched John read each heart, then put them in the pocket of his pants. Luka frowned, trying to remember what had happened with John's clothing. The shirt was useless, but the pants could be cleaned. He vaguely remembered hearing some of the policemen saying that they would have to collect evidence. They didn't mean John and Lucy's clothes though, did they? He was just about to ask that when Lydia and Haleh walked in. A table was pulled up to the booth and the women joined them, giving their report on the status of John and Lucy in surgery.

"What happened to their clothes?" Luka blurted.

"The police took them as evidence," Lydia replied.

"Why? It's obvious that the only blood there is theirs. You can't get fingerprints from a shirt," Dave said.

"I know, but it's procedure."

"What about John's personal things? His wallet and keys?" Luka demanded to know. A key to his apartment was on John's keyring, just as he had a key to John's place. Not that he really needed it. John was practically living with him, but he seemed reluctant to give up his own place.

"We have those in an envelope," Haleh told him. "Doctor Weaver has it.

"I see." Luka returned to his brooding, only half listening to the stories that Haleh and Lydia were telling about John and Lucy. Chen had a few of her own from when she and John were third year students together, doing their rotation under Peter Benton. The woman had been hazardous to John's health back then, and when she recounted the tale of the fake "rectal exam", Luka felt a stab of jealousy that this woman would even think about touching John intimately.

Then he had to suffer through the story of how Chuny found John and Lucy in an exam room nearly a year ago - making out hot and heavy. Thank God nothing ever came of that, he thought. But, he hated the fact that Lucy had kissed John. Had wanted more from him than that. Had almost gotten it, too. He mentally kicked himself then. He had no right to be jealous of the women John had been with before they met. Just as John wasn't jealous over Marija or any of the men Luka had been with over the years. Not that John would give voice to any jealous feelings - he was too starved for love and affection to risk losing someone over a jealous argument.

When Chuny walked into the diner, Luka could tell from her eyes and manner that something was wrong. Someone was dead. Don't let it be John, he prayed. Please don't let it be John. He was the only one at the table who dared ask what was wrong and Chuny told them in one word, "Lucy."

Luka turned his head, lowering his gaze so the others wouldn't see the relief that had to be showing there. John was alive. He wasn't dead.

He heard Chuny tell everyone what had happened with Lucy, how she had made it fine through surgery only to die from a pulmonary embolism. He listened as Chuny told them that John was out of surgery and in recovery. That they had repaired his kidney, but then found even more bleeding and also had to give him a temporary colostomy because Paul Sobriki had practically sliced the descending colon in half. How John had lost a lot of blood, but was stable. How they were going to have to administer full spectrum antibiotics for the next couple of days because of the risk of infection from the injury to his colon. And all Luka could do was sit there with his eyes closed and thank God for not letting John die.

After that, the small group broke up. It was late, or early, depending on how you looked at things like that. It was four in the morning when Luka returned to the hospital, intent on seeing John before heading home. Wanting to delay his return home to the cold bed that awaited him. A bed that would have been very warm by now if not for Paul Sobriki.

Luka paused just outside of recovery. He could see John easily enough, but John wasn't alone. Kerry Weaver was at his bedside and Luka watched from the hallway as she slowly combed John's hair and gently caressed his face. He could see her lips move, but John was still out and Luka knew that John couldn't hear her. Still, it was clear she needed this time alone with him.

When Kerry left the room, she looked slightly embarrassed to see Luka in the hall.

"Luka, I need to apologize to you. I accused you of being responsible for what happened last night. I was wrong. I can't excuse myself either. I shouldn't have lashed out at you."

"Kerry, you were upset. We were all upset then."

"That doesn't excuse what I said. We won't have a clearer picture of what happened until Carter wakes up enough to tell us about yesterday and last night. And even then, he might not be able to tell us much."

"He didn't see who stabbed him." Luka remembered John shaking his head when that asshole of a police officer had been trying to question him in the trauma room. Luka was about to order the man out when Chen practically shoved him away from John.

"Oh." Kerry blinked hard and Luka could see she was trying to keep from crying. "I need to go. I've got to find Romano."

"Has John been awake?"

Kerry nodded. "The nurse told me that he woke up for about a minute when he first came out from under the anesthesia. He's pretty out of it right now."

"I just wanted to check on him quickly before I went home. I'm still due to be at work at noon, right?"

"Yeah. I haven't had a chance yet to rearrange the schedule to accommodate them...Carter being gone."

"Mark or I can do the schedule for you, Kerry. That's one of the things Attendings handle."

"I know. I just like doing it myself. I'll see you in a few hours."

"Right."

Luka watched her walk away, then he entered the recovery area. There was only one nurse in there and she smiled at him as he approached John's bed. Then she left.

Luka stood there for a few moments, simply looking at John. When he finally reached out to caress John's cheek, he noticed that his hand was shaking, a reminder of how scared he had been that John would die. John's skin felt comfortingly warm under his palm and Luka once more said a prayer of thanks. He looked down, not expecting to see John looking up at him.

"Hello," Luka said, moving his hand so that John could talk, but not removing it from John's body. He couldn't bear to break contact with John, so he settled for holding his hand.

"Hi," John's voice was still hoarse from the intubation. "You were talking to me?"

"No," Luka shook his head. "Kerry was just in here."

"Oh. I'm sorry I missed her."

"John? I'm sorry."

John looked puzzled, and Luka explained, "I should have done something...anything, to keep this from happening. I let the party get too loud. I didn't follow up on the patients when Mark left..."

John cut Luka off. "It wasn't your fault, Luka. He wasn't violent. I had no idea that he would do something like this. Neither did Lucy."

John paused to wet his lips, but before he could continue, Luka spoke up. "I love you."

John smiled. "I know." He remembered the candy hearts that Luka had slipped into his pocket. Many different colors, but all one message: I luv you. "Don't get angry, but I don't have them anymore."

"I know. The police took your clothes as evidence. I'll buy you more."

John slowly shook his head. "I was hungry and I ate them."

Luka grinned. "Oh really? So, tell me, did you chew them or did you suck on them until they dissolved in your mouth?"

John began to laugh, but he quickly stopped as he felt pain despite the painkillers he had been given. "What do you think?" he finally asked.

Luka squeezed his hand, then leaned down and quickly kissed him on the lips. "I think I had better leave and let you rest. I need to get home and get some sleep. I'm on at noon, but I'll be by to see you in the afternoon."

"Okay. Luka?" There was hesitation in John's voice.

"Yes?"

"Did someone call my parents?"

Luka remembered Kerry asking Amira to get John and Lucy's personnel files, but he wasn't sure if Kerry had actually called anyone. He supposed that she had. "I think Kerry called them."

"Are they coming?" Luka could hear the hope in John's voice and he couldn't bring himself to tell him that he didn't know the answer. "I'm sure they're on their way. Now, you need to close your eyes and rest."

"I'm not sleepy," John protested.

"Rest anyway," Luka ordered. He leaned over once more and kissed John again, a lingering kiss this time. If a nurse came in and saw him, then he would deal with it. But, he had to kiss John. Had to touch him.

John smiled up at Luka. "I'll see you later?"

"Yes," Luka replied. He reached down with his other hand to caress John's cheek again, watching as John's eyelids slowly closed and the man fell asleep. Still, he stood there for a few minutes more, wanting to make sure that John was asleep before he left. He could have easily stood there for hours, but he heard the door open and he quickly stepped back from John's bed, letting go of his hand. When he turned around, he saw the nurse from earlier.

"I need to check his vitals," she told him.

"I was leaving anyway. Do you know when he'll be moved to a step down room?"

"We'll be moving him in about an hour. If his vitals remain stable, then he'll be in his room by this afternoon."

"Good."

Luka watched as she began to make notations on John's chart, then he left. He had no idea where Kerry had gone, so he couldn't try to find out if she had called John's parents. She had mentioned needing to find Romano, but since he had no idea where Romano was, he didn't think he could find her. Besides, he was tired and needed sleep. He was certain that Kerry had called them, what he wasn't sure about was if they were on their way. They had better be, he told himself. John needed to have them by his bedside right now. Needed them to be supportive and loving. Something Luka was certain they had never been. But, they could pretend to care. It was the least they could do.

John was dimly aware of voices. They were kept low, so he couldn't
quite hear what was being said, but concentrating on them helped him
ignore the growing pain in his back and gut. But, the pain persisted
and he finally opened his eyes, hoping that the voices belonged to
nurses and that one of them would give him something for the pain.

"Hello," Kerry greeted him with a smile. "We didn't wake you, did we?"

John shook his head, worried when he saw that the "we" included Robert
Romano.

"What time is it?" John's mouth was dry, but he was willing to ignore
that provided they gave him a painkiller. As he shifted his aching
body, he looked down at his right hand and saw that he was holding
the control for a PCA. He quickly pushed the button, almost sighing
out loud as he began to feel some relief.

"A little after nine. Do you feel up to talking about last night?"
Kerry gently asked.

"I suppose so."

"Good. I'll get the detective in here. There's no point in making
you go over this twice," Romano said as he left the room.

"Is Luka still here?"

Even though Kerry was puzzled over his question, she didn't pursue
why he needed to know she simply answered him. "He went home hours
ago. Would you like some water?"

"Please."

Kerry held a straw up to his lips and he drank greedily. He would
have drunk all of it, but she took the straw away, saying he didn't
need too much cold water in his stomach right then. As she was
putting the cup back on his bed tray, Romano returned with another
gentleman. He wasn't the cop that John remembered from the trauma
room. This man didn't wear a uniform.

Introductions were made, and then John told them all he could remember
of the previous day's events, and all that led up to the stabbing.
He was in the middle of telling them about seeing Lucy on the floor
of curtain three when Kerry stopped him.

"I don't think you need to tell us anymore."

The detective nodded his agreement. "She's right. It's a shame
that you never saw who stabbed you, but we're certain that it was
Paul Sobriki. I think that young man is going to be spending a
very long time in a mental institution."

"I hope he spends his entire life there," Romano spat out.

John looked away from the trio, wondering if Romano felt the same
hatred toward him. After all, it was ultimately his fault that
Lucy was dead. He had been her supervisor and he had left her
alone with the patient. If he had spent more time with her and
Sobriki, then he would have noticed that the man was violent and
would have made sure that someone from Psych saw him before he was
able to harm anyone. He had told Luka that he had not been given
any reason to suspect that Sobriki was violent, but those had been
empty words. They were just said to keep Luka from blaming himself.
John knew he was once more guilty of causing another death.

"John?"

John looked up into the worried eyes of Kerry. Romano and the
detective had gone.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

He nodded. "I'm fine. Is this a real room? I thought I was in
recovery earlier."

"You were. This is your room now."

"Did you call my parents?"

Kerry nodded. "I did. They're on their way. Your father wasn't
sure if he could get an early flight out of Bangkok."

"I forgot they were in Thailand again. Hmm, that's a long airplane
ride. By the time they get here, I'll be ready to go home," he
smiled.

Kerry smiled back. "I think they'll get here before that happens. Is
there anything you want? I need to get back downstairs."

"Could you move my tray closer?"

"Sure." Kerry rolled the tray over and made sure he could easily
reach the cup of water.

"What about Lucy's mother? Did she arrive yet?" John couldn't imagine travelling to see your injured child only to find out that your child
was dead.

"Yes. I've already spoken with her. She's handling this about as
well as can be expected. Now, you need to get some rest. I'll be
back by to see you before I leave for the day."

"Okay. Do you know when Luka is supposed to show up for work?"

"He's on at noon. Why?"

"I need to see him."

"He was up to see you earlier, do you remember that?"

"Yeah. But, I need to see him again. Will you tell him?"

"Sure." Kerry smiled at him again; "I'll let him know."

Then Kerry left and he was alone once more. He closed his eyes, but
the image of Lucy on the floor danced through his head, and he jerked
his eyes open, not wanting to see that again. "Oh, God, Lucy. I'm
so sorry. So very sorry."


The third time that Luka was awakened by a nightmare, he gave up on
trying to get more sleep. He raised up on one elbow to look at the
clock on the other side of the bed. He meant to look directly at the
clock, but he found his gaze resting on the cold pillow on that side
of the bed: John's pillow. Not just an extra pillow that Luka lent to
John, but John's own pillow from his place. Luka choked back the lump
in his throat and checked the time. It was just after ten, so he
decided to get ready for work. He could go in early to see John and
give him the bag he had already packed for him. He figured that John
would soon need and appreciate the toiletries and clothes. Hospital
gowns weren't the most comfortable things to wear and Luka knew that
John preferred sweatpants and old t-shirts. That is, when he wore
anything at all. A smile danced over his face as he remembered the
first time John had spent the entire night with him and had tried to
dress for bed. Luka wasn't having any of that and he pulled John
back into bed, pinning him to the mattress until he agreed to sleep
just as he was: naked and warm from their loving. Of course, the
kisses that Luka had showered upon his body might have had a lot to
do with John making that decision, but the final result was that
John only wore clothing to bed when he was away from Luka, which,
thankfully, wasn't often. The smile faded as Luka felt John's
absence once more, wanting him home. Wanting him whole and safe.

That line of thought reminded Luka of his nightmares and as he dressed
he tried his best to chase those images from his mind. Three different
dreams, but all had the same theme. The first was about John, the
second about Marija, the third about his little girls. The dreams all
ended the same, with each of them screaming his name and begging for
him to help them. Each time he was unable to keep them safe. He had
failed each and every time and he was still shaken over how close he
had come to losing John. Never again, he vowed. Never again would he
put John or anyone else in danger because he put his own needs and wants
first. With his family, it had been his desire to practice medicine
and stay out of the army. If he had joined up, then Marija would have
moved back to the country to be with her family and they would have
been safe. They certainly wouldn't have been shopping in the city that
day, and the Serbs didn't target their own, so Marija and their daughters
would have been safe. With John, Luka had wanted everyone in the E.R.
to like him. So, he didn't object when they wanted the music loud for
the party. He didn't want to be seen as a hard person, the way they
regarded Kerry Weaver. If not for the music; if not for the party, then
he or someone else might have heard it when Lucy was stabbed. Someone
could have caught Sobriki then and John would have never been harmed.
He shook his head, no, never again.

He was on his way out the door when he spied a shiny package resting on
the coffee table. He pushed the door closed, then walked over and picked
up the package. A card was taped to the rectangular box and he opened
that first. It was a Valentine's Day card from John, and reading it
reminded Luka of the delicious plans the two of them had made for the
previous evening. Exchanging gifts had been first on the agenda, but
now, it would be a while before John would be able to get his present.
It was still in Luka's dresser drawer, carefully wrapped in shiny red
paper with a white bow. Red for their passion and white for the purity
of the love they felt for each other. Luka could easily picture the
present nestled inside that box - it had been a part of him for so
very long. At first, he had wondered if it was an appropriate gift.
There certainly were a lot of people who would argue that it was sacrilege
for him to give his male lover the simple gold cross that had been a
present on his Confirmation Day. But, he knew that John would cherish
it and that it would spend nearly all of its time resting against John's
heart. John had made one or two comments to Luka about the fact that he
never saw him without that cross, and Luka had seen the understanding in
John's eyes as he explained how important his faith was to him - and how
much he treasured this outward symbol of his faith.

No, there was no way he could give it to John yet. Patients weren't
encouraged to wear jewelry. So, John would have to wait. Luka started
to put the box back on the table, thinking that if John had to wait, then
so would he. Then his curiosity got the better of him and he snatched
the box up, ripping off the heart embossed paper. He opened the box and
looked in, then grinned as he lifted out a slip of paper. It was the
lease for John's apartment, and according to the signatures on it, John
was subletting it to his cousin. That meant that John was going to be
with him all the time. Luka was mildly surprised at seeing the lease
because as late as two days ago, they had discussed yet once again how
much time John was spending at Luka's place versus his own apartment. In
Luka's mind, John's insistence on keeping his apartment was only serving
to deplete his bank account. For all intents and purposes, John lived
with him. It looked as if John was finally agreeing with him on that.
Luka placed the lease back in the box, then put the box in the bedroom.
When he left the apartment, he was still smiling.



"Luka, you're here early," Kerry commented as he walked through the
ambulance bay doors.

"I thought I'd bring John some things. We live right across the street
from each other, so I figured it would be easiest for me to get his things."

"You have a key to Carter's place?" Randi asked, popping her gum and
raising her eyebrows as she waited for his answer.

Luka regarded her coolly, thinking it was none of her business. He was
about to tell her that when Kerry spoke once more.

"We'll be having a meeting later today with Mark and Romano. We need to
go over what happened last night and what we can do to prevent something
like that from happening again. Right now the meeting is scheduled for
five-thirty in Romano's office, but that might change." They started to
walk to the lounge.

"I'm on until midnight, so that's not a problem for me. Have you gotten
any sleep? You look exhausted."

Kerry opened her locker and began to put her gear away as she answered
him. "I'm on my way home now. Romano left right after we spoke with
Carter a few hours ago. The police took his statement then." She pulled
on her coat and warily eyed Luka, "Carter wanted me to tell you that he
needed to see you. I guess he wants to ask if you'll bring some of his
things to him."

"I guess," Luka put his coat in his locker, then shut the door. "I'll
head on up there now. What's his room number?"

"He's in 528. Luka, I know I put you in a tough position last night by
making you take charge of Carter's trauma. I honestly didn't think I
could handle treating him."

Luka smiled reassuringly at her. "I know he rented a room from you for
quite a while, so that makes you a little closer to him than anyone else
here."

"Am I really?"

"I don't understand what you mean?"

"I mean, is there any reason why you shouldn't have been treating Carter
last night?"

"You were treating Lucy and I was the only Attending available. Would
you have wanted Malucci or Chen to be in charge of Carter's care?"

"That wasn't my question, Luka."

He picked up the small overnight bag that held John's things. "I need
to get upstairs before my shift begins. I'll see you later, Kerry.
Drive safely."

He left the lounge as quickly as he dared, not wanting Kerry to think
he was running away from her questions. He didn't think that Abby had
said anything to anyone about what he had revealed to her about him and
John being together. It was simply a case of Kerry Weaver revealing
how intuitive she was. As he approached the elevators, he could see
that Curtain Three was once more open for business. No red tape blocked
off the doors and he was sure that no blood remained on the floor. The
image of John on the floor, surrounded by his own blood, jumped before
Luka's eyes. He remembered seeing John's bloody handprints on the floor,
a testament to his efforts to get up. And his failure. Luka hadn't
noticed the handprints when he had first gone in the room to help. It
had been later, after he was done with Samantha Sobriki. He had found
himself drawn back to the room and he stood in the doorway looking at
the police as they dusted the room for fingerprints. That was when he
noticed how much blood John had lost. And John's handprints. One of
the officers was trying to leave the room and he had to ask Luka three
times to move before Luka heard him. He apologized to the officer, then
headed upstairs, knowing he had to see for himself how John was doing
in surgery.

He stepped into the elevator, selecting the fifth floor and hoping that
John was awake when he got to his room. He needed to hear his voice
again. Needed to touch him and tell him that he loved him.


When Luka reached John's room, he was forced to wait a few minutes before
entering. The door was closed to him and when he had knocked, a nurse
told him that he would have to wait. When the door finally opened,
Luka had to keep a tight rein on his composure so he wouldn't just
rush straight in. Instead, he smiled at the nurse, who smiled back as
she told him he could now go in, but that he shouldn't stay too long
because Mr. Carter tired easily and needed his rest.

Luka paused in the doorway, his eyes taking in the occupant of the
room. John was still pale, but he looked a little more comfortable
now than he had earlier that morning.

"Hello," Luka greeted him as he stepped into the room. "I brought
you some things from home."

John smiled at him. "Found enough of my stuff there to fill a bag,
huh?"

Luka shrugged. "It wasn't hard to do. Most of your stuff is there."
He sat the bag down in a nearby chair, then pushed the door closed
before properly greeting John with a kiss. "I opened your present.
Thank you."

John smiled. "I guess it looks like you're stuck with me; although,"
John looked away from Luka and continued warily, "if you should change
your mind about wanting me around, I can always move back to my place.
My cousin isn't particular about where she lives."

"I won't change my mind, John. I would have brought your present with
me, but I don't think you'd want to keep it here. It can also be your
"welcome back home" present."

"Now I'm curious as to what it is."

"You'll just have to wait until you get home, because I'm not telling
you what it is," Luka grinned.

"You can be so mean sometimes," John said, but he wasn't frowning.
Instead he grinned up at Luka, hoping he knew that he was joking. "So,
did you get much sleep after you got home?"

"A little. Hopefully enough. What about you? Are you in a lot of
pain?"

John shook his head. "Not too much, but I have this great PCA machine
to account for that. It's a wonderful invention. Doctor Weaver told
me that my parents are on their way."

"Good. Did she say when they would get here?"

"No. They're in Thailand, and it's a long trip. But, if they left
last night, then they'll make it here today. D'you know what?" John
asked with a smile.

"No. What?" Luka reached out and took John's hand in his own,
pleased that John didn't try to pull it out of his grasp.

"I missed you when I woke up. I've gotten used to having someone
in bed with me."

"Me, too," Luka admitted. "You'll be home soon enough."

"Yeah." John's eyes took on a vacant look that Luka knew wasn't due to
the narcotics in his system. "I guess I'm lucky."

"You are. John, I...I don't know what I would have done if you had died.
I love you."

"And that's good, no?"

Luka smiled at their small in-joke. "That's good, yes."

"Luka? Do you think you could fit in this bed? If I lie on my right
side, you might be able to get in here with me."

"I don't want to hurt your back."

"Can you try it anyway? If it hurts, then I'll let you know."

Luka looked down into John's pleading eyes and found himself unable to
say no. Besides, it wasn't as if the idea didn't have any appeal for
him. As he walked around to the other side of the bed, John rolled
over to his right side. Luka didn't think he could handle being
under the covers with John and feeling his bare skin through the gaps
in the hospital gown, so he opted to lay down on top of the covers.
But he first bunched them up a little bit so that they wouldn't pull
against John's wounds. He slowly got on the bed, careful not to
disturb John's IV line, and curled up behind John.

"Am I hurting you?"

"No." John shook his head. "Just be sure you don't move your arm
any. It's perfect where it is."

Luka nuzzled the back of John's neck, breathing deeply. John usually
smelled of the hospital and its antiseptic perfume. This smell was
different. This was the smell of a patient, but Luka didn't mind it,
considering the alternative.

"I can't stay long. I have to start my shift at noon," Luka said.
When he got no response, Luka realized that John had fallen asleep.
"You'll be sleeping a lot this week," Luka said, not caring that John
couldn't hear him. "Just not where I want you to be sleeping."

He kept still and concentrated on the rise and fall of John's chest
as he breathed. He could even feel John's heartbeat against his
forearm. Never before had those two things been as comforting as they
were now. His eyelids grew heavy and he figured that it wouldn't hurt
to close his eyes for a few minutes. Then he would head downstairs.
A last glance up at the clock on the wall told him that he had plenty
of time before his shift began. He laid his head back on the pillow,
content to be with John.


Luka felt someone gently shaking his shoulder and as he opened his
eyes he heard a soft voice tell him to move carefully. It wasn't
John's voice, even though it most definitely was John in bed beside
him. Then he remembered he was on John's hospital bed and as he sat
up, he saw that John was still asleep. He looked to see who had
awakened him.

"Abby. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. You're late for your shift, Luka."

Luka looked at his watch and saw that it was almost one. "Damn," he
muttered. He had been asleep for nearly two hours.

"Doctor Greene was asking if you were still coming in and Randi
mentioned seeing you arrive before eleven. When she said that you
had brought some things for Doctor Carter I volunteered to come up
here to see if you were still with him."

"Thanks. It would have been embarrassing if Mark had caught me sleeping
here. You don't think the nurses saw me, do you?" He asked as he put
his shoes back on.

Abby shook her head. "I don't think so. No one said anything to me."

"Good." Luka got to his feet and walked around the bed. "What are you
still doing here at the hospital? I thought you left hours ago."

"I ended up pulling a double shift. But, I'm off now."

"Good. You could use the rest. Although..." As Luka gazed down at
John, his voice trailed off.

"Although what?"

"Would you mind staying with him? I don't want him to wake up alone.
Also, I never did unpack the bag I brought him."

Abby smiled up at him, touched by the concern and love she saw in his
eyes and face. It was a look that had never been in her husband's eyes and she envied John Carter. For Luka's sake, she hoped that John returned those feelings. "I'll stay."

Luka smiled back at her. "Thank you. I'll see you later."

"Have a good shift," Abby watched as he slowly left the room, then
she began to unpack the overnight bag, hoping that she wouldn't find
anything too risqué inside.


The sound of his lunch tray being brought into his room roused John
out of a peaceful sleep. But, as he opened his eyes, he noticed that
the firm warmth behind his back was gone.

"Hello," Abby greeted him as she got to her feet.

"Hi. Have you been here long?"

"Just a few minutes. Luka had to leave because he was late for his
shift." She thought about how lucky Luka had been that she found him
when she did. He had barely been out of John's room for five minutes
when the lunch trays were brought around. Abby lifted the lid from the
tray. "Looks like you'll be on liquids for a little while."

John made a face, but he managed to roll onto his back and then raise
the head of the bed so he could at least see what they expected him to
eat - or drink as the case may be. "Gelatin. What a surprise. I
think that company would go out of business if not for hospitals, Bill
Cosby commercials or not."

Abby laughed, "You might be right about that. You also have broth, hot
tea and soda. But, you can't have the soda. I have never understood
why the dietary department routinely puts soda cans on the trays of
people who have had major abdominal surgery. They do it to the C-section
patients all the time."

"I can't have soda?" John frowned as he watched Abby remove it from the
tray.

"No, you can't have soda. Not yet anyway. And you won't be getting any
solids until you pass gas."

John chuckled. "And how am I supposed to do that? Can you even pass gas with a colostomy?"

"You're the doctor, don't you know?"

"You're the medical student, ex OB nurse, don't you know?" he asked back.

"I have no idea. But, I can find out for you. Luka brought some things
for you, and I put them away. Your comb, a pen and some crossword puzzle
magazines are in the tray compartment. Your clothes are in the cupboard
and your deodorant, razor, shaving cream and shampoo are by the sink. So
is your toothpaste and toothbrush."

"Thanks. You didn't have to put the stuff away for me."

"Well, I didn't want anyone tripping over the bag until you were feeling
good enough to do it. You haven't been up on your feet yet, have you?"

He shook his head. "Benton wants me walking this evening. Plus, the
catheter's still in, so I don't think I could get very far."

"That will be out soon. Probably after lunch so they can get one more
chance to measure your fluid outtake."

"I'll bet you were a great nurse, Abby."

"I was. But, I kept thinking that I wanted to be able to do more for
my patients."

"There's nothing wrong with being a nurse. They do more for a patient
than the doctors ever do."

"That's true enough. And most doctors don't appreciate that fact, either." Abby suddenly yawned, then apologized. "Your company isn't boring. I'm
just beat."

"You haven't been home yet, have you?" he asked, his eyes worried.

"No. I was on my way to the lounge to get my coat this morning when
Doctor Greene asked if I could do a double. So, I did."

"Then you should go home now while you can still function. I think I can
handle this lunch on my own."

"Are you sure about that?"

He grinned. "I'm sure. Get on outta here. I'll be fine."

"I'll come by to see you later."

"Thanks, Abby."

"Bye." She left his room, leaving the door partly ajar. She would have
liked to stay to talk some more, but she was exhausted and wanted to make
sure that she did indeed make it home in one piece. On her way out, she
did stop by the ER long enough to let Luka know that John had awakened and
was eating when she left. That seemed to reassure him a bit and she was
glad she had thought to stop and tell him.



It was after seven when the meeting with Romano, Kerry and Mark finally
ended and Luka headed straight for John's room, determined to see him
before he had to get back to work. Kerry could handle things down there
on her own for a few minutes. As he headed down the hallway, he saw Peter
Benton standing outside of John's closed door, talking with people that
Luka only recognized from photographs. John's family. His parents and grandparents. Both sets of grandparents no less. He stopped then, not
sure if he should intrude on the conversation, but since he knew it had
to be about John, he wanted to know what Benton was telling them. He was
still trying to decide what to do when the small group broke up. John's
parents went into his room and his grandparents walked his way, headed for
the elevators. Luka looked past them and met Benton's eyes, seeing that
the man was waiting for him. After John's grandparents passed by, Luka
walked up to Benton.

"What's happened? How's John?"

Benton regarded him coolly, wondering when Carter had ceased being Carter
to Luka Kovac. "John's left leg can't support him. I've put in a call to
neurology and ortho, so we'll know more after he's seen by them."

"What do you mean his leg can't support him? What happened during surgery
to cause that?" If Benton or Anspaugh had messed up during surgery then
there would be Hell to pay.

"His lumbar artery was nicked by the knife and it caused a hematoma to
form on the lumbar plexus before we were even aware of the nick. His
sensation was intact this morning, and was still good when I checked him
over before letting him try to walk. We'll know more once neurology and
ortho are done with him. It could be a simple case of his muscles being
weakened because they were sliced through. Right now, I just don't know."

"I see." Luka understood most of what Benton had said, but not all of it.
The first thing he planned to do once he got back down to the ER was to
get on the computer to find out more. To see just what John might be
facing.

"When did his family get here?" Luka decided to change the subject before
he depressed himself over the latest change in John's condition.

"Right before Carter tried to walk. His Carter grandparents were here
earlier; Anspaugh spoke with them right after the surgery. I don't know
when his other grandparents arrived. This is the first time I've seen
them, but I only got back to work about an hour ago."

"I see. Well, the important thing is that they're here now, right?"

"Yeah. I suppose you're right about that." But Peter couldn't forget the
look of panic on Carter's face when his leg buckled under his weight and he
was forced to hold onto him and to his father for support. It had seemed to
Peter that once Carter was seated on the bed, Roland Carter didn't waste
any time putting distance between himself and his son. Bastard was the
first word that came to mind as he remembered the way panic and worry had
been replaced by hurt and sadness in Carter's eyes.

"I have to get back to the ER. If you have a chance, will you tell John
that I stopped by?"

Peter nodded. "Sure."

"Thanks."

After he watched Benton go into John's room, Luka reluctantly walked back
to the elevators and to the job that awaited him downstairs. He hated the
idea of leaving John alone in that room with his parents, but hopefully
Benton would provide a sort of shield for John. There was no way that
Roland Carter would say or do anything hateful to John in front of a
stranger. At least that's what Luka hoped.

When Luka got back to work, it was quiet, so he took control of the
computer, looking for everything he could on John's condition and possible
complications. He was so engrossed in what he was doing that he didn't
notice it when Kerry Weaver walked up beside him.

"Luka?"

He finally looked up when he heard her call his name loudly. "Yes? What
is it?"

"I was asking if you were looking for anything in particular?"

"I'm trying to find information on possible complications from having a
hematoma form on the lumbar plexus. And from being stabbed in the back
several times."

Kerry's eyes searched his face, seeing the worry there. "Something's
wrong with Carter?"

"When he tried to walk, his leg gave out on him. Benton has arranged for
people from ortho and neurology to see him, but right now they don't know
why he can't walk."

"It's only his left leg?" she asked, worry furrowing her brow.

"Yes."

Kerry reached out and placed her hand over Luka's. Even though Luka had a
firm grip on the mouse, she could feel him shaking. "He'll be all right,
Luka."

"I want to know how bad this can be." Luka knew he was doing a poor job
of keeping the fear out of his voice.

"Here, let me look," she gently urged.

Luka stared at the screen, then looked down at her. She was just as
worried about John as he, so he stepped aside and let her take control
of the computer. As he watched her type, he found himself somewhat glad
that she knew about him and John without him having to say anything. He
wasn't sure how she knew, but he was glad that she did. And equally glad
that she wasn't saying anything about it. She had simply realized it
and accepted it. Case closed as the American police shows liked to say.
He thought about the American TV shows he had watched as a child.
Nothing bad really ever happened. The shows might make it look as if
something bad had happened to a main character, but in the space of an
hour, the crisis was resolved and by the next episode, the character was
fully healed. He could remember a "Bonanza" episode where Little Joe
had been blinded, but just as he was learning Braille, he could see again
and the following week it wasn't even mentioned. What a shame that real
life couldn't imitate television. If it did, then he would wake up
tomorrow and John would be fine. He wouldn't even have any scars to
remind him of the stabbing. No one would be thinking that they could
have done more to keep John and Lucy safe. No one would be feeling
guilt or sorrow. Things would be happy and perfect. Right now the only
person having a happy and perfect time living in the world of make
believe was Paul Sobriki and Luka hated him for that. It had been a
long time since he had felt a strong hate, but he was feeling it now.
And that bothered him.

"Here. Read this." Kerry's voice cut through his contemplation and he
stepped back in front of the computer to read what she had found.

Kerry watched Luka as he read, thinking that she had an interesting
situation in her department right now. She knew that she should let
Romano know that Luka and Carter were involved. That Luka had stepped
across the unwritten rules about treating someone you're related to or
involved with. But, in the long view of things, nothing had happened
because of it. Besides, with Carter having worked at County for six years
now, it was nearly impossible to find a doctor or nurse in the ER or
surgical departments who didn't know him. Carter had worked with everyone
who had attended to him after the stabbing. Still, she wished Luka would
have said something last night. As much as the idea of trying to treat
Carter had torn her apart, it would have been easier for her to treat him
rather than Luka. Then again, maybe being in there with Carter and
knowing exactly what was happening had been reassuring to Luka. She
hoped so, anyway. Another thing she hoped was that she, and the
department as a whole, would never have to go through that again. Once
was more than enough.

Luka wasn't able to get back upstairs to see John until after his
shift ended. Since he was starting nights soon, Kerry had been kind
enough to give him a few days off. He knew that Kerry was planning
to fill in for him, and he felt slightly guilty about that, especially
now that someone was going to have to be filling in on John's
scheduled shifts. His guilt only went but so far though, for he
planned to spend as much time as possible with John, even if his
parents were around. Luka was determined, though, not to let guilt -
or any other distraction -- interfere in spending time with John. He
was fairly confident that he could make John's parents believe he
was just another friendly co-workers and an across-the-street neighbor.
He would say whatever they needed to hear, as long as it kept him
near John. There would be time later to ask forgiveness for the lies.

He passed the quiet, yet busy nurses station, giving them a small wave
and quick smile as he saw they were in the middle of their shift change.
One of the perks of being a doctor was that he didn't have to follow
visiting hours. For all they knew, he was one of John's doctors and
not some moon-struck puppy hoping for a few minutes alone with the
object of his dreams. He smiled at that thought as he stepped into
John's semi-dark room and pulled up a chair so he could sit close to
him.

John was asleep, so Luka settled for simply sitting there holding his
hand. He noted that even in his sleep, John had a firm grip on the
control button for the PCA machine. Luka wanted to be able to take
away all the pain that John was feeling - the physical and the
emotional. He knew that John hated being catered to, he had found
that out by accident one morning when he dared to try to serve John
breakfast in bed. John had worked a double shift, came home and
crashed for a long time. Luka had thought that John would appreciate
being indulged, but John told him he had long passed the point of
needing that kind of help when he was a toddler and wasn't interested
in having Luka be his servant. Luka had tried to defend his actions,
but with little success. John stubbornly refused to let him do what
he wanted. At least as far as breakfast was concerned. Luka had
learned early on that a strategically timed kiss was the best way to
end an argument, especially if he wasn't winning the argument. It
had never failed with Marija and so far, it hadn't failed with John.
The breakfast tray was placed aside and the food quickly forgotten.

John was going to have to depend on other people for help with his
recovery and Luka knew John would hate that. Luka had read everything
that Kerry had found about John's condition and possible recovery.
With physical therapy, hard work and proper care, John could regain
the full use of his leg. Luka knew that John would work hard, and
he would follow the instructions of his physical therapist. It was
the proper care part that had Luka worried, and not just as far as
nutrition went. He could make sure that John ate right. It was
keeping John from pushing his body beyond its limits that might prove
difficult. John was stubborn, and if he was sure that a lot of hard
work would get him on his feet and back to work quickly, then he
would work extra hard. Well, Luka was resolved to do all he could
to keep John from harming himself in his quest to get well.

Luka sighed as he thought about John's emotional and mental health.
One of the outcomes from the meeting had been that Kerry wanted a
therapist available to any of the staff who needed to talk. Especially
the staff that had been there when the stabbing occurred. She had
been looking directly at him as she said that, and he did his best to
pretend that she didn't mean him, but they both knew better. Even
before she had mentioned it, he had given thought to talking to someone.
Although he had been thinking more along the lines of his priest, and
not a therapist. But, right now, anyone with a willing ear would
be great. He remembered the guilt he had carried around with him
after Marija and Jelena had been killed by the bomb blast. The guilt
had made him determined to be a super parent to his Mira, and when
she had died from pneumonia, despite his and the hospital's best
efforts to treat her, he had been thrown into a deep depression. A
depression that had made it all too easy for him to come under the
influence of those who thought violence was the only answer. There
weren't many days that went by when he didn't thank God for letting
him come to his senses before he killed anyone. He didn't
want John falling into a deep depression. But, he wasn't sure if
John would be willing to see a therapist and he knew that he would be
unable to make him go for therapy against his will.

Luka stretched as he thought about that, his aching body telling him
that it wanted more rest. It was almost one and he decided to head
home and try to sleep. Perhaps the nightmares wouldn't come tonight.
He could certainly pray they wouldn't. He got to his feet and placed
a gentle kiss on John's forehead, then went home, determined to be
back in the morning. And also determined to use the front entrance
of the hospital. After all, there was no reason to give Randi anything
more to talk about, and if he was seen in the ER, he might be put to
work. Generally, Luka didn't mind helping out, even if it was his
day off. But, not now. Not when John needed him.



The next morning, Luka took a rushed shower, then hurried to the
hospital, knowing he could get something for breakfast there after
he had seen John. Once more though, his desire to see John was
thwarted by a closed door. He knocked, only to have Peter Benton
tell him that doctors from neurology and ortho were in with John,
examining him, and that Luka would have to come back later. Then
the door was firmly closed in his face, shutting him off from John.
He heard John's voice while Benton held the door ajar, but hadn't
been able to see him, so he had partial verification that John was doing
all right.

"Well, there's always breakfast," he muttered, even though he didn't
feel much like eating. He turned to go back to the elevators and
saw that John's parents were sitting in the waiting area, staring
at him. Luka knew he could walk away without talking with them,
thereby putting off the need to lie when they began to ask questions
about how he knew John and why he was there. He even took a few
steps away from them, then he decided that he might as well get it
over with. He turned and walked over to them. Roland Carter stood
as Luka approached them and he held out his hand.

"You must be Luka Kovac. John's mentioned you."

Luka regarded the older man warily, wondering just what John had
told his father. The man didn't seem angry or upset, so Luka figured
that John had said nothing more than that they worked together.
Perhaps that they were friends. He took the proffered hand and gave
it a firm shake, noting that Roland Carter had a strong grip.

"I'm Roland Carter and this is my wife, Sarah."

"It's a pleasure to meet both of you. John has spoken of you often," Luka
replied, hoping his response was diplomatic. "I only wish that we were
meeting under better circumstances."

"Yes. Please have a seat."

Luka sat down across from the couple, sizing them up. John got his
dark looks from his mother, but her brown eyes didn't come close to
showing what was going on in her heart the way John's did. Her eyes
were guarded and nearly expressionless. As were Roland Carter's blue
ones.

"I was wondering if Doctor Benton told you more than he told us. We
arrived about ten minutes ago and the specialists were already in
with John, so we haven't seen him yet," Roland said.

Luka shook his head. "He only told me that they were examining him.
I suppose they will order a few tests for him today."

Sarah Carter finally spoke. "Is John in any danger of dying?" Her
voice was melodic, but the tone sharp and Luka noted that while her
eyes didn't betray her emotions, her voice certainly did. Sarah Carter
was scared. Very scared.

"Not anymore. John has a long and difficult recovery ahead of him, but
he's out of danger."

"Were you working when it happened?" she asked.

Luka slowly nodded. "I was on duty then. I was in charge of the ER at
the time and I take full responsibility for what happened. I should
have been more observant of what was happening."

"We've already spoken with Doctor Romano and Kerry Weaver about the
details of the other night. There's nothing you could have done to
prevent this, Doctor Kovac," Roland said. "I'm a lawyer, so I know
culpability and responsibility when I see it. Neither are solely on
your shoulders."

"That's kind of you to say, but..."

"Doctor Kovac, I don't see the need to discuss this now. The attack
is in the past and it's not important right now. What's important is
that John survived. I was about to suggest to Sarah that we go
downstairs and have breakfast while waiting for the specialists to
finish their exam. Would you care to join us?"

"I'm not hungry, the two of you can go without me," Sarah said.

"You need to eat, dear."

"You can bring me back coffee."

Luka sensed a tension between the couple then and he looked at John's
mother with the eye of a doctor and saw that she was pale and had
dark circles under her eyes. Maybe she cared about John after all.

"I was on my way to the cafeteria when I stopped to speak with the
two of you. It will be crowded down there right now, but we shouldn't
have any problem finding a table," Luka said.

Roland got to his feet, then gave his wife a quick kiss on the cheek.
"We won't be gone long. Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?"

"I'm sure," she replied, shaking her head and making Luka doubt if she
knew what she wanted. This was a trait John obviously picked up from
his mother - the ability to say one thing and signal another with the
movement of his head. John would say no to something, but nod; or say
yes and be slightly shaking his head no.

Luka got to his feet and smiled reassuringly at her. "John will be fine,
Mrs. Carter."

For the first time since he met her, she smiled, but he thought it was
a smile of sadness and not one of joy or relief. "He has to be fine,
Doctor Kovac."

The two men were mostly silent as they went to the cafeteria. Luka
suppressed his anger, knowing he wanted to say many things to Roland
Carter, but also knowing that he didn't want to get into an argument
with John's father. Especially since the topics were things that a
simple "friend" of John's wouldn't know about his family. So, he
remained silent, speaking only to let Roland know they had to exit
to the right when they stepped out of the elevator and what foods to
avoid once they were in line to eat.

As they sat down, Luka quickly scanned the room to see if anyone from
the ER was there. There wasn't and he relaxed a bit then. He didn't
care if Kerry or Abby saw him, but he didn't want to deal with Randi
and her nosiness, or Malucci and his cockiness.

"So, you're the person who's usually there when I call John on his
cell phone, aren't you?" Roland asked as he cut up his eggs.

"I'm often there, yes."

"I thought I recognized your voice. You seem to be there often. Even
late at night or early in the morning."

"My apartment is directly across the street from John's. We see each
other a lot."

"My niece told me that John has sublet his apartment to her. She's
supposed to move in later this week. I guess we can take John's things
to our house until he's released from the hospital. I have no idea if
he's found another place to live. You wouldn't happen to know anything
about that, would you, Doctor Kovac?" Roland took a sip of his coffee
as he looked to Luka for his answer.

Luka looked down at the table, not sure what to say. He suspected
Roland Carter knew he and John were involved, but he didn't want to
upset John by revealing their relationship. What if Roland had no idea?
Then all Hell would break loose and John would be at the mercy of his
family once again.

"John hasn't told me his plans," Luka said, mentally kicking himself
for having to lie once more.

"Interesting," Roland said. "He hasn't told you anything about where
he's going to live once his cousin takes over his apartment, and yet
you seem to spend a lot of your time with my son. I guess I was
assuming too much."

"And just what were you assuming, Mr. Carter?"

"John sounds happy when we talk. He's even mentioned that he has
someone special in his life right now, but he won't tell me who that
person is. I know it's not Elaine Nichols again. That hussy is still
in Europe and far away from John. She won't find it so easy to get
her claws into him again. Since I was always hearing another voice
there with John when I called, no matter the time of night, I had
assumed that he was involved with a man. When I recognized your voice,
I thought it was you."

Luka looked away once more, wondering if their relationship was that
transparent. Were they only deluding themselves when they thought no
one knew about them?

"So, was I assuming too much, Doctor Kovac?"

Luka looked back at John's father, expecting to see anger or derision
in his eyes. Instead he saw concern. Maybe Roland Carter gave a damn
about John after all. "I think that under the circumstances, you could
call me Luka."

"Then it is true? You are with John?"

"I love John. I'm not exactly sure how he feels about me though. He
hasn't said that he loves me, but he's willing to move in with me. And
he's been happy with me. I'm sure you don't approve, but he's truly
happy and that should mean something to you."

Roland regarded him quietly for a few moments. "I don't know what you
think about me, Luka. I admit that John and I have a sometimes strained
relationship. I've wanted a lot for my son over the years. Some of
that has been what I wanted and some has been what he wanted. He's
never failed to make me proud. John has worked hard to be a doctor.
He's had to fight my father nearly the entire way because the old man
wanted John to work for him and learn the family business. He still
sees John as his potential heir and feels that medicine is a hobby
that John plays in until he's ready to admit that the old man is
right. That will never happen."

"You never hesitate to verbally attack John, so how can you say that
you're proud of him? On Christmas Day, you told him to not even show
up. Do you have any idea how that made him feel?"

"I know that I hurt him then. I tried to call him back, but he had
cut off his cell phone. I even tried him at his apartment, but if he
was there, he never answered. So, I left messages on his answering
machine telling him I was sorry and that he should come on out for
dinner. I left several messages, but I didn't hear from him until
later that night, when it was too late for him to drive out. He
apologized for not being home earlier and promised to come out to see
us the next morning, which he did."

"John feels that you, and the rest of his family, don't want him
around."

"That's stupid," Roland retorted. "I don't know why he would think
that. He's the only son I have left. Of course I want him around.
You seem to want to put all the blame on me, but you don't see John
trying to rearrange his schedule to see me when I'm in town, now do
you?"

"Are you referring to your visit last month? When you called him at six
in the morning to let him know that you were only going to be in town for
one day? That you would be at the club around noon and he could meet
you there?"

"Yes. But, he never even tried to meet me. I waited for him at the
club, but he never showed up. It's a two way street, Luka, and I'm not
totally to blame for the problems John and I have."

"He tried to meet you. I remember that day very well. You called him
right before he left for work, and once he got there, two of the other
doctors had the flu. One even went home. Now, just who was he supposed
to ask to work for him? You are lucky enough to be your own boss, but
John doesn't have that luxury. He is on a schedule and he needs more
than three hours notice to change that schedule. If he can't get
someone to cover his shift, then he can't take the time off. The
lives of other people depend on there being enough doctors in the
emergency room to handle the traumas and the minor complaints. Should
he have left someone to bleed to death in the ER just so he could get
maybe an hour of your precious time? I think not, Mr. Carter." Luka
belatedly realized that he was shouting, but right then he didn't
care. How dare the man expect John to drop everything to run and sit
in attendance on him?

"How dare you talk to me that way? You don't have any idea what it's
like to have a family to provide for. I've given John everything he's
needed and then some."

"You've given him everything except love. You find it so easy to say
you love your son, but when do you ever show him? Money and gifts
mean nothing to John, haven't you realized that by now? The only
thing he's ever wanted from you is for you to tell him that you're
proud of him and what he's done. That you love him. But, you never
say those things to him. You find it easier to tell a total stranger
those words about him, but you can't tell him. You need to ask yourself
why." Luka got to his feet. "And for your information, Mr. Carter, I
know what it's like to provide for a family. I had a wife and daughters
to look after and I lost them all. I thank God that I never hesitated
to tell and show them how I felt while they were alive. My daughters
knew they were loved and cherished because I not only spent time with
them, I told them over and over how much they meant to me. John
nearly died, Mr. Carter. You've been given this chance to show and
tell him what he means to you. You should take that chance while
you can, because you never know what tomorrow or even tonight might
bring."

Luka turned and walked away. He had not intended to lecture John's
father, but it had happened. He wasn't sorry about it though. Roland
Carter needed to have his eyes opened before he lost his son forever.

When Luka arrived back at John's room, he saw that the door was finally
open and Mrs. Carter was in with John. His argument with Roland Carter
still had him wired, so he didn't hesitate to interrupt the mother and
son visit.

"Hi," Luka said as he stepped into the room.

John's eyes lit up when he saw Luka and that emboldened Luka to give
him a quick kiss hello. Luka smiled as he watched the slow blush color
John's cheeks, but he didn't apologize for kissing him in front of his
mother. The way he figured it, if Roland Carter already knew they
were an item, then Sarah Carter probably knew as well. And if she
didn't, then it was time she did.

John tried his best to sound calm as he asked his mother, "Have you
met Luka?"

Sarah nodded, but she wasn't smiling. "We met earlier. I had no
idea that you and Doctor Kovac were...close."

"We...uh...well, yeah. I guess you could say that we're close," John
stammered.

"We're living together," Luka said as he sat in the other chair.

A smile began to play around Sarah's mouth as she looked from the
confident Luka to her uneasy son. "I see. Roland had a feeling that
something was going on with you. I guess he was right."

John wanted to pull the covers up over his head and hide from both
his mother and Luka. How could Luka kiss him in front of her? And
what did she mean that his father had a feeling something was going
on with him? Thinking about his father made John aware that Luka had
returned to the room alone. Dear God, he thought, what did Luka say
to him?

"We're very happy together," Luka told her.

"John has sounded happy these past few weeks. Even over the long
distance phone lines, we've been able to tell that much. He's dropped
hints that he's with someone he cares about, but he never mentioned
you by name." Since John wasn't talking to her anymore, Sarah
decided that she might as well talk to Luka.

"I can assure you that I care very much about John. I won't hurt
him, Mrs. Carter."

"That's about all a parent can really ask for, isn't it? I'll admit
that in my dreams I had hoped to see John settled down with a wife
and children. But, if being with you makes him happy, then I can
live with that."

"Really?" John finally spoke up. He had been preparing himself for
a strong tongue lashing from his parents. About how he once more
had disappointed them by not doing the "normal" thing with his life.
"You aren't angry?"

Sarah smiled gently at John and grasped his hand, squeezing it gently.
"How could I ever be angry with you? Parents want their children to
be happy, John. If being with Luka makes you happy, if you love him
and want to be with him, then how can I be angry with that?"

Before John could reply, Roland returned, a cup of coffee in one hand
and a paper bag in the other. "I'm sorry it took so long for me to
come back with your coffee, dear." He handed her a cup of coffee,
then reached into the bag and pulled out a danish, which he also
handed to Sarah. "It's apple, your favorite."

"Thank you. You missed the big news about John and Luka."

Roland cast a steely gaze Luka's way, then turned his attention to John.
Luka was heartened to see that Roland's gaze softened when he looked at
John. "Luka and I had a long talk downstairs. I'm not sure how your grandparents are going to take this news, but I won't disown you because
you've fallen in love with another man." Once more Roland reached into
the bag, this time pulling out a chocolate iced donut. "I remembered
that you used to love these."

John smiled slightly as he reached for the donut, not only because his
father had brought him real food, but because he felt relieved that his
father was taking the news about him and Luka so well. Before he could
answer, Luka spoke up.

"That's still his favorite kind. I take it that you can now eat solid
food?" Luka's gaze was serious as he addressed John. Despite his stern
tone, inside he felt happy that John didn't deny being in love with him.
Someday you'll find the courage to say those words to me, Luka said to
himself.

"As of this morning. Thank you," John said to his father. He took a
big bite of the donut, savoring the taste. He had only been on liquids
for one day, but it had been long enough to make him appreciate food.

"So, what did the specialists have to say?" Roland asked.

John sighed. "Not much really. They're going to do an MRI today, but
they seem to think that it's a simple matter of residual nerve damage
from the pressure of the hematoma."

Sarah looked over at Luka. "John quit speaking English when he started
medical school. I have no idea what he's talking about."

"I'm not sure I can put it into proper English, Mrs. Carter, but I'll
try my best." Luka patiently explained about the hematoma that had
developed on the lumbar plexus as a result of the stabbing. By the
time he was done, John's parents had a vivid image of what had happened.
And how close their son had come to dying or being paralyzed.

Sarah's grip on John's hand became stronger as she regarded him, tears
in her eyes.

"Mom, everything's going to be all right. I'll need some physical
therapy, but everything will turn out fine. Honest."

"We'll know more after the MRI, John," Luka interjected. He didn't
want John giving Sarah false hope. It wasn't fair to her and it wasn't
fair to John, either.

An orderly appeared with a wheelchair. "It's time for your MRI, Doctor
Carter," he said.

"I'm surprised they set it up this fast," John said as he sat upright in
bed and began to swing his legs over the side.

"You're an important patient. They wouldn't make you wait," Luka said.
He started to get to his feet to help John into the wheelchair, but
Roland was already doing just that, so Luka let him.

Once John was settled in the chair and about to leave, Luka stepped in
front of him. He bent down and kissed him again. "I'll be here when
you get back."

This time there was no blush. John simply nodded, then let the orderly
know he was ready to go.

Luka watched them leave, then he turned back to face John's parents.
Sarah had already straightened John's blankets and Roland had taken Luka's
chair. Since there was no other place to sit, Luka perched himself on
the bed. He wasn't going to leave, no matter what Roland Carter might
have to say about it.

"I thought about what you said, Luka," Roland said, looking him directly
in the eyes. "You might be right. I'll have to think about it some
more. Now, can you tell us in more detail what John can expect as
far as his recovery is concerned?"

"Please?" Sarah added.

Luka nodded, then told them everything he had learned, leaving no
detail out. It turned into a question and answer period that lasted
until John came back from the MRI. Luka helped him back into bed,
smiling at him and hoping John could see that there was no tension
between him and his parents.

John looked at three of the most important people in his life and
noticed that the unease he had felt earlier between his father and
Luka was now gone. That made him feel a lot better. They talked about
the MRI for a bit, then John felt himself nodding off. His parents
finally told him goodbye for a few hours, promising to be back after
lunch. He accepted his mother's kiss on the cheek and was pleasantly
surprised when his father hugged him goodbye. Where in the Hell did
that come from? They left and he was alone with Luka.

"Are you upset with me for kissing you?"

John shook his head. "No. In a way it's a relief that they know.
I guess I did give them a lot of hints. I didn't want them to be too
surprised when they found out."

"They weren't. I should let you know that Abby Lockhart knows about
us. I didn't mean to tell her. We were at Doc Maggoos the night of
the...while you were in surgery. I was upset because I had to treat
you in the trauma room and I let it slip that we were lovers. She took
it well and promised to keep quiet about it."

"I think she can be trusted to keep her word," John said with a yawn.

"She also ended up waking me yesterday. I fell asleep after you talked
me into getting in bed with you."

John grinned. "Were you embarrassed?"

"A little," Luka admitted.

"Good. That kinda makes up for you kissing me in front of my mother."

"And the orderly?"

"Nah. I don't know him." John felt his eyelids grow heavy and begin
to close.

"John?"

John slowly opened his eyes. "Yeah?"

"I think that Kerry Weaver has figured it out. She was asking me
strange questions yesterday. I haven't said anything to her, but I
think she knows."

"Okay," John murmured as he gave up trying to stay awake.

Luka sat on the edge of the bed and gently kissed John's lips. "You
won't think it's so okay when you wake up and remember what I told
you." He watched John sleep for a few minutes, then sat in the chair
closest to the bed and turned on the television. He kept the sound
low so he wouldn't awaken John and while he waited for a show to start,
he thought back over the events of the morning. Things had gone well.
Very well. John's father wasn't quite the heartless bastard he had
imagined him to be. And his mother wasn't as cold as he had envisioned
her. He remembered the look in her eyes, how expressionless they had
been. He had seen that look before on women back home - women who had
lost their children. While he knew that losing his girls had broken
his heart, he also knew that his eyes had never been like that. It
was something unique to mothers. And yet, when Luka had returned to
the room and it had just been John and Sarah, her eyes held expression.
Maybe it had been worry and fear over John that had stolen her light
earlier?

Luka felt optimistic over the fact that John's parents had not rejected
John over their involvement. If the rest of the Carter family followed
suit, then he knew John would feel more comfortable. Perhaps
comfortable enough to say those three words that Luka wanted to hear.
"I love you," Luka said them out loud once more. Luka thought it odd
that having grown up in a strict Catholic household, he was the one
that had no trouble accepting the fact he loved another man. He was
secure in his faith and didn't feel that God would forsake him because
he loved John. If it was so wrong, then why would God allow him to
fall in love? And it wasn't just sex either. Luka had feelings for
John months before he ever had John in his bed. How could he not love
John? It would be like asking him not to breathe. That love would
still be there, even if they could never have sex again. And Luka
knew that it would be a long time before they could make love once
more. John wouldn't be physically able for that for quite a while.
Not that it mattered to Luka. He could wait. John was worth waiting
for.

Right before lunch, Peter Benton came to talk to John about the results
of the MRI. John was still asleep and Benton looked surprised to see
Luka sitting there. But, Benton didn't say anything about Luka's
presence. Instead, he sat in the other chair and waited for John
to awaken, which he did shortly after that. The MRI had confirmed
what the specialists had diagnosed. That was a relief to all of
them. John was scheduled to start physical therapy the next day and
his progress would be monitored closely. When Roland and Sarah
returned, they were happy to hear the news and they thanked Benton
for all of his help. And for getting John through surgery alive.
That had embarrassed Benton and he quickly left. John wondered about
that. Benton had never been the type who felt humble while being
praised. And yet he had seemed reserved when John had thanked him
right after his surgery. And now he was embarrassed because his
parents had thanked him. Something wasn't right with Peter Benton,
and John wanted to know just what it was. But, obviously, he wasn't
going to be able to find out the answer today. So, he made a mental
note to talk to Benton the next time they were alone together.

Luka stepped into the elevator and leaned against the wall, suddenly
weary. He had worked all night and was tired, so tired that he wasn't
even planning stop upstairs to see John before leaving. John had told
him more than once over the past week that he didn't want Luka getting
into a car accident on the way home because of spending time in the
morning with him. Luka had finally listened to him the past few days,
going home as soon as his shift ended. But, he would always show up
early for his next shift so he could spend time with John. And his
breaks were often spent in John's room as well, even if John didn't
know about his middle of the night excursions to merely watch him
sleep. Despite his exhaustion, Luka knew he needed to be with John
right now. So, when the elevator came to a stop on the ground floor,
Luka stayed on board and pushed the button for John's floor. It
wouldn't make a difference if he stayed awake another hour or so.

When he got to John's room, the bed was empty. One of the orderlies
was there though, sitting near the bathroom door.

The orderly, who had been the same man that had taken John to his MRI
nearly a week earlier, greeted Luka with a smile. "He's in the shower
if you want to wait."

"Thanks. You know, you really don't have to stay. If he needs any
assistance, I can help him."

The orderly laughed. "I figured you'd say something like that. You
should know the rules by now: don't let him walk unaided and when he's
standing, don't let him put a lot of weight on his left leg."

"I know all that."

"Good. And be prepared for him to be in a bad mood. He hates it that
I have to help him get dressed. He'll call out for you when he's done.
At least he should. Yesterday, he was already out of the shower by the
time he called me to help him and he knows he's not supposed to get out
of the shower alone."

"I'll make sure that he follows the rules this time," Luka assured him.
The orderly left, shutting the door and leaving Luka alone in the room.


John gingerly leaned forward into the hot spray from the shower. He
probably could have waited until morning to shower, but meeting Barbara
Knight had left him shaken and upset. The shower was now the only
place where he could cry. For a while, he could cry at night, letting
his tears soak into the pillow and leaving no trace of his pain and
sorrow. But that ended when Luka started working the night shift.
Luka had a tendency to sneak into his room whenever he had a break so
John never knew when he would be there. The one thing that John didn't
want was for Luka to catch him crying, or see the evidence that he had
cried. So, that left the shower.

John had already cried, now he wanted to wash away the traces of his
tears. He had been in there for a long time, so he wasn't surprised
when Gary, the orderly, knocked on the door and came in. Everyone who
worked on this floor seemed to be going out of his or her way to take
special care of him. He hated it, too. He didn't deserve special
treatment just because he worked at the hospital. Besides, he was a
patient due to his own reckless disregard. If life was fair, then he
would be dead and Lucy would be the pampered patient. Hell, if life
were fair, she would have never been hurt in the first place.

"John? Are you all right?"

John jumped slightly as he recognized Luka's voice. Shit. It was too
early for him to be here. And where had Gary gone?

"I'm okay. I'll be done soon," John called out over the noise of the
shower, hoping that Luka would take the hint and leave the room. He
didn't want Luka seeing him naked. Not now.

"Call me when you're ready to come out, okay?"

For some reason, that struck John as funny and he found himself
smiling. "A bit late to ask me that, isn't it?"

"You know what I meant, John. You are not to even try to get out of
that shower by yourself."

"I'll call you if I need you," John told him. He grabbed the shampoo,
intent on quickly finishing his shower. He had washed when he first
got in there. As he slowly stood to rinse his hair and body, he
wondered why Luka was there early. Was he having trouble sleeping?
Or had something bad happened? John's ego was pulling for the former.
It would be nice to think that Luka was having as much trouble sleeping
alone as he was.

John turned off the water and leaned his head against the wall,
closing his eyes so he wouldn't see that damn bag and his incision.
He hated looking at them, especially right after a shower when the
scar was red and ugly from the hot water. Without the noise from the
shower, the room sounded empty and John wondered if Luka had ever left
the room.

"You still there?" he asked.

"Yes." Luka's voice was just on the other side of the curtain.

John stuck his hand out through the shower curtain opening. "Can I
have a towel?"

"Sure." Luka placed a towel in his hand and John quickly wrapped it
around his waist, making sure that the bag was covered. He couldn't
do much about the scar, but he could keep Luka from seeing the bag.

He sat back down on the bench. "I could use another towel, please."

"Okay. Do you need any help?"

John smiled at the hopeful tone in Luka's voice. Luka had always liked
for them to shower together and John was sure it was because Luka enjoyed
washing, then drying him off when they were done. Well, if he was really
honest about it, the fact they never took a shower without also having
sex was probably another reason Luka liked to take showers with him.
But, John was sure that Luka liked the other reasons best.

"I can't quite reach my back. Do you think you could get that for me?"

"Of course." The shower curtain was pulled back and Luka smiled down
at him. He handed another towel to John and then began to gently dry
John's back with a third towel.

"You're here early," John commented. He began to dry his face.

"I never really had a chance to leave."

"You're not pulling a double shift are you?"

"No." Luka gently dabbed at the scars from the knife. "I was on my
way home when I witnessed a hit and run. It was a little girl."

"Is she okay?" John started to stand and Luka helped him stay steady
on his feet.

"She'll be all right. Despite me." Luka helped John out of the shower.
"Where are your clothes?"

"On the bed. What do you mean, despite you? What happened?" John
could see now that Luka was upset about the incident.

"Let's get you dressed and then we'll talk, okay?"

"I can dress myself."

Luka closed the lid on the toilet. "Sit down and I'll be right back."

John sat down and waited for Luka to return with his clothes. Not
that he was wearing much these days; underwear, socks, sweatpants and
a hospital issued gown. And for those times he wanted to be extra
warm, a hospital issued robe as well. Luka was back quickly.

"I can dress myself, Luka," John repeated.

"You aren't supposed to be doing a lot of bending, John. You know
that. And you can't get dressed if you aren't completely dry."

"Well, leave the room and I'll finish drying off."

"I want to help you," Luka softly said. "Please?"

"Luka, I'm not a pretty sight right now."

"You will always be beautiful to me, John. Your scars don't bother
me."

"How can you say that when you haven't seen all of them?"

"You have a valid point. So, let me see all of them and then I can
say that."

"Fine." John got to his feet, reaching out to Luka for support.

"It's okay, John. I won't let you fall."

"I know." John reached down with his other hand and loosened the
towel, letting it fall to the floor. He looked up at the ceiling while
Luka carefully dried his legs and groin. His unease so great that the
touches didn't arouse him in the least bit.

"I've never quite gotten used to seeing staples on people," Luka
commented. "They should be out soon, no?"

"In a few more days. And I'll lose the colostomy bag in three more
weeks."

"The scar will fade with time, John. All of them will fade, this I
promise you." Luka stood in front of him and gently cradled his face,
then kissed him fully on the mouth. "I wish you were home. I hate
sleeping alone."

"Me, too." John said.

Luka picked up the gown and helped John into it, then he helped John
sit back down.

"So, what happened?"

"I tried to help her at the scene, but the ambulance didn't show up.
So, I found a man with a truck and had him rush us, and the girl's
mother, to the hospital." As Luka spoke, he continued to dress John.
"She had fluid around her heart and when I tried to aspirate it, I
punctured an artery. They had to crack her open in the emergency room
and then rush her to surgery. She's out of surgery and Benton told
me that she'll be fine. But, it's my fault that they had to open her
chest in the first place. I should have waited for the ambulance, I
know that. But, Benton said that she would have died if we waited.
I don't know what to think."

"When I was a fourth year medical student I had a patient that ended
up in surgery because I punctured his liver during a simple procedure.
He died on the table. I knew I had killed him. After all, it was my
mistake that put him in the OR in the first place. Benton and Doctor
Hicks assured me that man would have died within a few months anyway
because he was such a heavy drinker and there was too much damage
already done to his liver. Still, I've always felt that it was my
fault. Luka, we have to make decisions so quickly. We aren't always
sure that they're the right decisions. I guess that we get lucky when
the decisions are wrong, but our patients live anyway."

"It's not luck, John. It's the grace of God."

"I think I believed that once. A long time ago. I don't know what to
believe any more. Would a God full of grace stand by while a crazy guy
brutally stabs a young woman who was only trying to help? Lucy never
hurt anyone. Not like I have. There's a lot of blood on my hands, Luka,
so tell me, why was I allowed to live?"

"I can't answer a question like that. No one can."

John smiled, but it wasn't one of happiness. "You see? That's the
problem. No one can answer that question for me," John said, sighing
softly. Then he shook his head as if to dismiss the conversation. "I'd
like to get back in bed now."

Luka helped John get into bed, tucking him in and gently kissing his
lips. He was about to say goodbye when he decided that what he really
wanted was to stay right there with John. To hold him close and let
that contact chase away his fears. "John? I need to hold you."

John nodded, recognizing the feelings he saw in Luka's eyes. He moved
over on the bed, making way for Luka to crawl in beside him. Luka wrapped his arm around John, holding him as closely as he dared. He didn't want to physically hurt him, and he wasn't entirely sure that John would admit it if he did. If John wanted to tell him that he loved him, this would be a good time, Luka thought.

"Luka?"

"Yes?"

"It's nearly three. There's really no need for you to go home. You
won't get much sleep. Why don't you try to get some sleep now?"

"It wouldn't embarrass you?"

"I won't be embarrassed. I sleep better with you beside me and
Anspaugh keeps telling me I'm not getting adequate rest. You'd be
doing me a favor if you stayed. Besides, you can use the rest, too."

Luka chuckled. "I don't have a problem with your reasoning, John.
I'll stay, especially if me being here will help you get better. The
sooner I have you home, the happier I'll be."

"Me, too." John clasped his hands over Luka's arm, holding it against
his chest. "I've missed you so much."

Luka kissed the back of John's neck. This was about as close as John
ever got to admitting his feelings and Luka knew that once more he
would have to be content with that. And for now, it was enough.

John brought his wheelchair to a stop beside the window. He had
a much nicer view of Chicago from here. The view from his room,
of the El, was boring. He much preferred this one, even if he
did have to wheel himself to the other end of the wing to see it.
Not quite as good as the view from the roof, but close. As he
watched the sun set, he thought of how tired he was growing of
the this place. He had been a patient for a week already and he
had no idea when he would be released. All Anspaugh would say is
that he couldn't go home until he was able to get around on
crutches, but no one, not Anspaugh, not Benton, not the people in
physical therapy, could tell him when that would be. So, he
pushed himself harder every day. If he spent fifteen minutes
walking with the aid of a walker one day, then he would spend
twenty the next, and so on. Sooner or later they would have to
at least let him try to use crutches.

He wanted to go home. He wanted to get out of this damned place,
get away from everyone. He hadn't exaggerated much when he told
Deb that he knew everyone here and had people dropping in constantly.
Checking up on him, making sure he was all right and where he was
supposed to be. As if he could get very far in a wheelchair. At
first it had been nice to know that people cared. Now he found it
stifling. He wanted to be home where it was quiet. Where no one
would bother him. He wanted to be...alone. And he didn't know
why. That bothered him. He slept much better if Luka was in bed
with him. He felt safe then. The rest of the day and night he
didn't feel safe. He felt scared, and he had never faced that
before. Even when he realized that Lars Audia had been killed
because they thought Audia was him, he didn't feel scared. He
felt guilty. And yes, he did feel guilty over Lucy being dead,
but the overriding emotion that he had been feeling lately was that
of fear. And he had no idea what it was that scared him. He knew
that if he could put his finger on what he was afraid of, then he
could overcome it. But no matter how long he thought about it or
how many things he considered, he couldn't isolate that fear. It
wasn't that he wouldn't walk again. He had thought a lot about
that and quickly discarded the idea. For one thing, he was making
progress. It would be slow, and he would have pain, but he was
getting better every day. So, it wasn't that. And it wasn't the
possibility that another patient would hurt him, although he kept
telling himself that it was natural to feel that way for a short
time. The fear was greater than that. He was slowly approaching
the conclusion that he was afraid of living. And, like his desire
to be alone, this fear of life itself was something he didn't
understand.



Peter Benton frowned as he searched Carter's room and didn't find
any sign of him. Belatedly, he noticed that the wheelchair was gone,
but he didn't know of any tests that Carter needed, so there was no
reason for him to be anywhere. He stepped across the hallway to
the nurse's station.

"Had anyone seen Doctor Carter?"

"He's down at the end of the wing, or else on his way back by now,"
one of the nurses replied.

"Alone?" Peter sharply asked.

"Yes. He's quite capable of getting around in the wheelchair, Doctor
Benton."

"He was assigned to this particular room so that you could keep a
close eye on him. How can you do that if he's at the other end of
the wing?"

"Doctor Benton, we keep track of how much time he spends out of his
room. If we think he's been gone too long, then we go to bring him
back. Doctor Carter is fine," she tried to reassure him.

Peter had no answer for that. Instead he gave her his meanest glare,
then headed off in the direction she claimed Carter had gone. How
could they let him go all over the hospital? He didn't need to be
left alone for long periods of time. Didn't they know that? Hadn't
it been made clear to them that Carter was to be carefully watched?
Maybe he should have a talk with Romano about the attitude of the
nursing staff.

Peter's steps slowed as he approached Carter. He didn't want to
startle him by sneaking up behind him, but at the same time, he didn't
want to reveal his presence just yet. He wanted to observe Carter
for a bit, see if he could pick up on how the other man was feeling
today. He had come to realize there was a great difference between
Carter's true feelings and what he was revealing to others. Peter
had stopped walking and was merely standing there. Not making any
noise. But, Carter suddenly turned his head and saw him there. Peter
thought at first that he had seen pain etched on Carter's face, but
if it had been there it was quickly replaced by a smile and Carter
turned the wheelchair to face him.

"Hey," he greeted Peter.

Peter closed the gap between them. "Hello. I heard that Barbara
Knight came by to see you."

"No secrets in this place, are there?" John tried to chuckle, but he
knew he didn't sound convincing. He looked away, not wanting to
talk about Lucy's mother. "I heard you saved a little girls' life
today."

"Who told you that?"

"Luka. It looks like you're getting to be quite the hero lately."

Peter shrugged. "I just do my job. Nothing more."

"Yeah, right. You saved my life and to me, that's a Hell of lot."

Once more, John could see something flicker in Benton's eyes --
embarrassment, humility. Not Benton's usual bravado.

"You don't like me to talk about that, do you?"

"What?" Peter asked, not quite following what Carter was saying.

"I've noticed that when you've been thanked for saving my life,
you've acted strange. Almost as if you're embarrassed about it.
You've never been like that before. You even declined to be my
doctor, even though you took control of my care in the trauma room.
Why?"

Peter sat down. "Carter, I didn't know it meant that much to you
for me to be your doctor. I honestly felt, and still feel, that
Donald Anspaugh is the better physician to take care of you."

"Why?"

Peter sighed, seeing that he wasn't going to get out of answering that particular question. Hell, maybe it was time to confess to Carter about
how he messed up during surgery. "I assured you that I would take
care of you, Carter. That I would get you through surgery fine."

"I remember that. You did."

"I didn't. Anspaugh did. I...Hell, Carter, I lost it in there. Your
kidney was so badly damaged...I wanted to yank it out. I even yelled
at Anspaugh." Peter shook his head. "He calmed me down and took
control of your surgery. The fact that you still have two kidneys is
due to his presence of mind, not mine. I was too emotionally involved.
That's why I pushed him as your doctor and wouldn't even think of
taking over your care once the surgery was over. I can't be sure
that I would think clearly where you're concerned."

Now it was Peter's turn to look away, not wanting to see the
disappointment in Carter's eyes.

"So you found out that you're only human after all. It happens to
all of us sooner or later."

Peter looked up, surprised to see that Carter was smiling at him.
"I thought you would be upset."

"Why? They insist on having two surgeons in the OR for a reason,
and my surgery is a prime example of why. You should let them use
it during the next review."

"I think I'll pass, thank you."

"Don't want the students finding out that you have emotions?" Again,
Carter was smiling.

"Something like that. They learn better when they're scared shitless
of me."

Carter laughed. "Yeah, right. So, are you off tonight?" He
started to roll the chair down the hallway and Peter had no choice
but to get to his feet to walk with him.

"Yep. I've got a date."

"A date? Sounds interesting. Tell me more."



A few days later, Luka lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling with a
silly grin on his face. He was home, in his own bed, with his arms
around John. He had thought the day wouldn't get there fast enough
when he would have John home, but it had finally arrived, and now
John was sound asleep on his side of the bed where he belonged.

Luka sighed and snuggled closer, pressing his chest against John's
back, reveling in his warmth and feeling giddy because he was here.
Looking back over the events of the morning, Luka found it difficult
to determine who was the most excited over John's release from the
hospital. John had been anxious to get the final okay from Anspaugh
and his physical therapist. The two had put their heads together,
conferring quietly for a few minutes before agreeing that John was
doing well enough with the crutches to be sent home. To Luka,
those few minutes had dragged and he had been so afraid that they
would decide that John had to stay longer. He had been tempted to
shout for joy when Anspaugh signed the release papers. John had
sounded relieved and happy as he thanked Anspaugh for everything,
and then Anspaugh had left, leaving John, Luka and Millicent alone
with the therapist and nurse to get last minute home-care
instructions. Millicent had already made arrangements for John to
be taken back and forth to the hospital for physical therapy. The
family driver had been put at John's disposal, as had the car. Which
was a good thing since both John and Luka drove vehicles with manual
transmissions and there was no way that John could press on the
clutch hard enough to successfully shift gears.

John came home in style, riding in the back of a limousine. His
grandmother had even come up to the apartment, bringing up what she
could carry while the driver took care of John's suitcase. Luka had
his hands full with John. Not that John needed his help. The apartment
did have an elevator, so there were no stairs for him to worry over.
Still, Luka wanted to have his hands free in case John needed help.

Once inside the apartment, Millicent had taken a quick look around,
nodding only once to give it her approval. Then she had given John a
quick kiss on the cheek, saying that she knew he wanted to get some
rest in his own bed and it was time for her to be on her way. She
smiled and nodded at Luka as she left, and Luka found himself liking
John's grandmother. She obviously knew about their relationship, yet
she didn't find it necessary to speak of it. She merely accepted that
it made John happy. While Luka still had some issues with the way
John's family had treated him in the past, he was seeing that they
did love John in their own way.

"Well, I guess I should get my stuff unpacked," John said. "Would
you mind taking the suitcase to the bedroom for me?"

"You don't have to worry about unpacking. I can do that for you..."
Luka stopped talking as he recognized the stubborn look in John's
eyes. "I'll open it for you, is that all right?"

John smiled. "That would be nice."

They walked into the bedroom, but John paused in the doorway, looking
around the room. As Luka opened the suitcase, John made his way to
the dresser and opened his drawers, then he began to slowly unpack
the suitcase, putting away the clothes that were clean and making a
pile on the bed of the ones that weren't. Luka stood there watching
John, wanting to make things easier for him, but knowing that John
didn't want his help.

"Why don't you fix us something for lunch? I don't know about you,
but I'm starving. I was beginning to think that I'd never get to
eat real food again," John said.

"It's not the best food, is it?" Luka asked. "What would you like
to eat?"

John shrugged. "Surprise me. As long as it's not hospital food,
it will be great."

"Okay." Luka headed for the door, but he stopped in the doorway
and looked back at him. "Just call if you need me."

"I will," John said, nodding.

As Luka once more began to leave, John called out his name. Luka
turned back around, "Yes?"

John nervously ran this hand through his hair and Luka felt his
body begin to react to John's presence and the fact they were
truly alone together for the first time since Valentine's Day.

John shook his head. "Never mind."

"No. You wanted something. What is it?" Luka walked over to
him. "Do you want me to finish putting away your things?"

John shook his head again, then looked up into Luka's eyes. "I want
to kiss you. We haven't really had a chance to share a real kiss,
and I..."

John's words were lost in Luka's mouth as Luka closed the distance
between them, kissing John deeply. "Is that better?" Luka
breathlessly asked.

John nodded. "Much. I wish we could do more."

"As do I. But, it won't be much longer until you'll be well enough
for that."

John lifted his hand to Luka's cheek and used his thumb to caress
Luka's skin. "I know. If you think it will be too difficult for
us to be in the same bed, then I can sleep on the couch."

Luka trapped John's hand under his own, holding it tight against his
face. "No. You belong in our bed and I don't want you to ever think
I don't want you there. I've been celibate before. It didn't kill me
then and it won't kill me now. I can be patient until you're fully
recovered, John."

"And if I can't be as patient?" John asked with a grin.

"Then we'll figure something out that won't put you back in the
hospital. And starving you just might do that. I had better get
our lunch prepared, no?"

"Yeah," John said, but he didn't try to move his hand.

Luka finally grasped John's hand in his own, and after kissing it
gently, let go. This time he made it all the way to the kitchen. By
the time he had lunch ready, John was finished putting away all of his
belongings. He had even managed to get his dirty clothing into the
clothes hamper. They ate, talking about what was going on in the
neighborhood and at work.

"Wait here," Luka said as he finished clearing the table.

John watched as Luka disappeared into their bedroom, wondering what
Luka was up to. When Luka returned, he had a small box in his hand.
John then remembered that Luka had wanted to wait to give him his
Valentine's present. Curious as to what it was, John took the
package from Luka. The box was wrapped in a bright paper that
repeated one message, "Welcome Home". Certainly not Valentine's
paper. But, deep down, John was glad that the wrapping wasn't
made up of hearts. It would be too much of a reminder of that day.

Luka grinned as John unwrapped the box, then opened it and lifted out
the cross. "Welcome home, John."

"Luka...I can't take this. This is your confirmation cross. You
never take it off." Even as he said that, John remembered that he
hadn't seen it on Luka lately.

"I want you to have it. That cross has been a part of my life for
ages, and now that you're a part of my life, I want you to wear it.
To keep it. Just as you keep my heart."

John's eyes watered as he remembered how passionate Luka was
regarding his faith. The cross was a gift from Luka's grandmother
and John knew that Luka cherished it. That Luka would want him to
have it touched him deeply, and yet he felt undeserving of it. Lately
he found himself doubting his own belief in God and it almost felt
sacrilegious to wear a symbol of Christianity when he didn't think
he believed in salvation anymore.

"Here, let me help you." Luka took the necklace from John and
secured the gold chain around his neck.

"Thank you," John finally said. "I'll take good care of it, Luka."

"I never doubted that."

John suddenly yawned and they both realized that he needed to rest.
After John left the table, Luka busied himself with cleaning the
kitchen, then went into the bedroom to check on him. John had changed
into a t-shirt and sweatpants and was in the process of getting into
bed as Luka entered the room.

"I know you don't like me wearing clothes to bed, but I think you
should make an exception right now." No matter what Luka thought
about it, John was determined to wear clothes to bed. He could accept
the fact that Luka didn't care about his scars, but the colostomy
was another matter altogether.

Luka knew what was bothering John, and he decided to let John have
his way this time. "I don't have a problem with that. But as soon
as that damn colostomy has been taken down, I want things back to
normal around here," he hoped he didn't sound as gruff to John as
he did to himself. Since John was smiling, he supposed that he
didn't.

"Normal sounds great to me, too, Luka. You're working tonight,
right?"

"Yeah." Even though he hadn't asked, Kerry had told Luka that he
would be working nights for the next week or so. That way he could
be there during the day in case John needed anything. At night,
John would be sleeping, and not need someone there. Luka knew that
others saw the night shift as a punishment of some sort, but he
could see that Kerry knew how much he wanted to spend time with John.

"Then you should get some sleep." John fluffed up his pillow, then
snuggled down under the covers.

Luka grinned. "Are you asking me to sleep with you?"

John grinned back. "I am. Are you going to accept my invitation?"

"I am." Luka stripped down to his underwear. He was about to strip
all the way when he thought that it might bother John if he got into
bed naked. So, he crawled under the covers and moved over to John,
holding him close.

"This is much better than the hospital," John said.

"I won't argue with you about that. And I promise you that it will
get even better, John." Luka said.

"You'd get to sleep faster if you didn't talk," John said.

"Sorry." Luka closed his eyes and listened to John's breathing,
waiting for the change in his respiration that would tell him John
was asleep. It wasn't long before Luka noted the change and he
grinned up at the ceiling, feeling happy.


The sound of the doorbell roused Luka from his sleep. He glanced
over and saw that John was still asleep. Wanting to keep him that
way, Luka quickly pulled on his pants and shirt and he headed into
the living room, hoping to answer the door before the person rang
the bell again.

When he opened the door, he was momentarily surprised to see Mark
Greene standing there.

"Mark? What brings you here?"

"I was on my way home from work and thought I would check in on
Carter."

"Come on in." Luka held the door open and Mark entered the apartment.

"How's he doing?"

Luka nodded. "He's doing okay. Very glad to be out of the hospital.
He's asleep right now."

It was Mark's turn to nod. "I see. Well, if you'd like to go on
home to get some sleep, I can stay."

Luka cleared his throat. "Thanks for the offer, but I am home."

"Oh. I must have misunderstood Kerry then when she gave me Carter's
address. I wasn't aware that he was staying with you. I thought he
lived here."

"He does."

The two looked at each other for a few moments and then Mark's cheeks
began to redden as he noticed that Luka was barefoot and his shirt was
buttoned unevenly. Carter and Luka Kovac were living together. Literal
roommates from the look of things.

"Oh," Mark finally said, his expression bland.

"I'll tell John that you stopped by," Luka said. He hoped that Mark
wasn't going to make a scene. He knew that Mark didn't like him and
seemed to resent him for some reason. It wasn't as if Luka had ever
done anything to Mark. In fact, Luka had gone out of his way to be
nice to Mark, not that it had ever done any good.

"Does Kerry know about this? About you and Carter?"

"I don't know. I haven't told her."

"You should. Dammitt, Luka, you had no right treating him. There
are rules against that and those rules are there for very valid
reasons." Mark wasn't interested in hiding his emotions any longer.
Luka had been wrong to treat Carter. Why was it whenever he did
something wrong, Kerry or Romano was there to chew his ass, but if
it was Luka doing something wrong, then they looked the other way?
Everyone looked the other way if Luka was involved.

"I didn't have much of a choice that night, Mark. Kerry was in no
shape to treat him. She's the one who ordered me to take care of
him. I did what I had to do to keep him alive and then I handed
him over to Peter Benton. Treating John was not something I wanted
to do, but I managed."

"She couldn't have been that upset." Mark had worked with Kerry for
years and knew that nothing got past her armor. Then he remembered
how shaken she had been when Paul Sobriki had been brought in after
being hit by a car. She had asked him to treat the man because she
just couldn't do it.

"Kerry found them. John was her tenant for quite a long while and
she didn't think she could treat him."

"Well, it's over, so there's no need to rehash that night now. But,
you should talk to her. She needs to know for sure that the two of
you are...involved. She shouldn't end up finding out about it from
someone else. Especially Romano. God only knows what he would do
or say about it. There aren't any rules to prohibit an Attending
and a Resident from having a relationship, but he might still be an
asshole about it."

"I'll keep that in mind. I think that Kerry suspects that we're
together, but she hasn't said anything about it to me."

Mark nodded. "To me, either. But, she hardly ever confides in me
about what's going on with the department." It still rankled Mark
that even though Kerry had told him that she wouldn't run the entire
ER on her own after Romano made her Chief, the woman still did things
on her own without consulting him. Hiring Luka as a temp, hiring Gabe
Lawrence as an Attending, then hiring Luka as an Attending. Dammitt
all, it annoyed Mark to have her treat him that way. After all, he
was the one who hired her in the first place.

"I'll tell John that you stopped by to see him."

Mark hadn't noticed that Luka had walked over to the door and was
now opening it. He supposed that was his hint to get out.

"Thank you."

Luka let Mark out, then locked the door again and returned to bed.
Even though John was still asleep, the minute that Luka settled onto
the mattress, John turned toward him, nestling against his body.

Luka wrapped his arms around John and gently kissed his forehead. The
chain had slipped out from under John's t-shirt and Luka slowly tucked
it back inside, noticing that it was now warm from the contact with
John's skin. Once again, Luka said a short, yet sincere prayer that
John's life had been spared. Then his thoughts turned to Mark and
the fact that he now knew, about the two of them. That was one
more down. At this rate, the entire hospital would know about him and
John by the time John returned to work. Not that that would be a bad
idea. To Luka, it would be perfect, with no more need for them to
hide the fact they were a couple. He still wasn't sure how John
felt about that. He hoped that John wouldn't mind everyone knowing.
Especially if they all reacted the way Abby, Kerry, Mark, Millicent
and his parents had reacted. But, Luka didn't live in a dream world
and he knew that there would be people who would say ugly and hateful
things about the fact they loved each other. And right now, John
didn't need any more ugly and hateful things in his life. Especially
if those things came from people he considered friends. So, Luka
would take things slow and keep his ears open for gossip. It was
the most he could do without compromising their privacy. Or rather,
what was left of it.

He kissed John once more, then closed his eyes. It was nice to be
able to sleep in the same bed with John and not have to be afraid
that someone would come through the door and catch them together.
When he had told John that things would get even better, those hadn't
been empty words. He had meant them with all his heart. And if
things didn't get better on their own, then Luka was determined to
make things better, even if he had to move Heaven and Earth to do so.

As the week passed, John went to physical therapy each day, returning
home tired and in pain. Luka discreetly watched John, making sure that
he was taking his pain medication as prescribed because he was worried
that John would try to get through the day without it. Aside from the
days immediately after the stabbing, when John wouldn't let the PCA
out of his sight, he seemed to avoid taking anything for the pain and
that worried Luka. Everyone knew that a person who wasn't in pain
would heal faster than one who was. Luka also didn't want John to
push himself too much in his recovery efforts. He knew that John was
working hard during his therapy sessions, but so far the therapist
didn't seem concerned that John was overdoing it. Still, when Luka
would come home in the mornings, John would wake up looking as if
he hadn't gotten any restful sleep at all. There were times when Luka
wished he was on the day shift, so he could spend the entire night with
John, see if he was having nightmares or other problems that were
keeping him awake. As far as Luka knew, John wasn't seeing anyone to
talk about the stabbing, but it didn't concern him too much. John
seemed to be handling it well, and if he was having nightmares about
it then that was only to be expected.

Ten days after John's release from the hospital, Luka woke up to an
empty apartment. Glancing at the clock he saw that it was past time
for John to be to physical therapy. Obviously John had gotten ready
for it and left without waking him. Luka wasn't sure if he should be
happy or glad about that. On one hand, it showed that John didn't
want to disturb his rest. On the other hand, Luka found himself
wondering if John was trying to avoid spending time alone with him.

Luka ate a quick breakfast, then decided to take out the trash. He
was waiting for the elevator to go back upstairs when he ran into one
of the elderly women who lived on their floor. She had obviously been
to the market because her pull along cart carried two bags.

"Good morning, Luka," she greeted him with a smile. "How are you
doing today?"

"I'm fine, Mrs. Kelly. How are you doing?"

"Very well. I was just on my way to the market. I had wanted to wait
until this evening, so I could walk with John, but I ran out of milk
and my cats are being incessantly loud about that."

"Why would John be walking to the market?"

"John goes out walking every evening. Don't worry, Luka, we've, that
is, myself and the other widows in the building, have worked out a
schedule to keep an eye on him. Poor thing. He tries so hard to get
used to those crutches. He won't be needing them forever, will he?
I haven't dared to ask him that."

"No. He won't need them forever. So, he goes out of the building
every evening?"

"He told me that his physical therapist wants him to get plenty of
exercise."

"I see."

"He didn't tell him that, did he?" she slowly asked.

Luka quickly smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I'm sure he did.
John wouldn't lie about something like that, Mrs. Kelly. He just forgot
to tell me about it, that's all."

When Luka got back to the apartment, he found himself slamming the door.
He was angry. He could admit that. John had no business going out by
himself every evening, even if he was in the company of one of the
elderly widows. As if any one of those frail women could help him if
he fell. Didn't John realize that he could damage his body if he
pushed himself too hard? Dammitt, he wanted John healed, the sooner the
better. A slow throb from his groin told him that his celibacy was one
of the reasons he wanted John healed quickly. There had been more
than one occasion during the last few days when John had offered to
give him some relief in the form of oral sex, but Luka had declined.
He had seen how much it pained John to bend over or even kneel. Just
watching John dress every day was rough on Luka. He hated seeing
John in pain. No, his libido could wait until John was better. And
Luka would soon find himself liking cold showers. With that in
mind, he headed for the bathroom, wanting to get himself under
control before John returned home.


As John let himself into the apartment he was feeling optimistic
about his recovery for the first time since he had been stabbed. This
had been his last day of daily therapy. He would still be going to
the hospital for physical therapy, but only twice a week. And that was
due to the extra work he had been putting in on the crutches. It had
been painful to force himself to walk the block every evening, but he
had managed it and now he was reaping the rewards. He slumped out of
his coat and managed to hang it up, noting with pride that it didn't
take as long to do today. And that it wasn't as painful, either. Of
course some of that had to do with the fact that he had taken something
for his pain before he left his PT session, but he hadn't taken as much
as prescribed and he knew that he was getting better.

John cocked his head to the side as he thought he heard water running.
Was it from their bathroom or from the apartment above them? He
listened for a moment, then decided it was their bathroom. Which meant
that Luka was awake. He grinned then and headed into the bedroom. He
sat on the bed and stripped as fast as he could, which wasn't as fast
as he would have liked. Once in the bathroom, he leaned his crutches
against the sink and took small steps to reach the tub. He needed to
grab the towel bar for support as he stepped into the tub behind Luka,
but he managed it without falling.

"Damn, the water's cold," John laughed as Luka turned and grabbed him
by the shoulders.

"You shouldn't be in here," Luka said, his voice husky as the sight
of John naked in front of him undid all that the cold water had
accomplished.

"You're in here, Luka, so where else should I be?" John leaned
forward and kissed Luka, resting his hands on Luka's hips. "So, is
the water cold because you've been in here too long or because of
other reasons?"

"Other reasons. God, John, if you keep touching me like that, I'll
explode." Luka closed his eyes and willed his erection to subside,
but John was now caressing him and it was a losing battle. Then John's
hands were back on his hips, and Luka felt he could win the battle
with his desire. Luka gasped as he felt himself engulfed in a very
familiar warmth and he opened his eyes to see that John had sat down
on the bench kept in there for his showers. Luka touched John's hair,
"You don't have to do this," he said, his voice thick with a desire
that proved his words to be lies.

John's answer was to slide his mouth down Luka's length until he had
all of Luka. "I won't last long," Luka thought. He had been celibate
for too long, taken too many cold showers, to be able to last under
John's assault. With a strangled cry he came, having to hold onto
the handrail in order to remain upright. But, as his pleasure subsided,
he had enough sense to help John get to his feet, and to cut off the
water before they both froze.

John leaned into Luka's embrace, resting his head on Luka's shoulder
and trying his best to take his weight off his left leg. He knew he
had been foolish to get into the tub alone like that, but it was obvious
Luka needed release. Needed him. And since he was feeling almost
human for the first time in days, John knew he could handle pleasing
Luka.

As Luka held John near, he realized two things. First, John had not
used a condom. Damn. Well, there was no going back now to change that,
but in the future he would have to make sure that John didn't take
another stupid chance like that. The second thing Luka noticed is that
they were both shivering. He pushed open the shower curtain, grabbed
an oversized bath towel and wrapped John in it. "We can't risk you
catching a cold," he said.

John ran his hands up and down Luka's arms. "You've got goose bumps,
you should dry off and get dressed now."

"In a minute." Luka helped John get out of the tub, then walked with
him into the bedroom. "Sit down on the bed and I'll get some clothes
for you."

"I can wear what I had on before." John reached for his underwear,
thinking that it was convenient that he had tossed his clothing onto
the bed when he stripped. "Couldn't have planned it better," he
thought, as he found himself being gently pushed onto his back. Luka
had climbed onto the bed and was on all fours above his body. John
grinned up at Luka, laughing as droplets of water dripped from his lover
onto him. Ignoring John's laughter, Luka bent his head for a long kiss,
one that left them both breathless. As he pulled away, Luka looked down
into John's eyes, gratified to see that John wasn't laughing anymore.
Instead his eyes were dark with desire. Desire for him, and only him.

"I don't think this is going to get me dressed," John finally said.

"No. Not yet anyway. You need to be properly dried off first."

Luka opened the bath towel, then began to dry John's body with his
towel, paying careful attention to John's arousal. That was something
he had missed. No matter how entwined they became while sleeping,
Luka had noticed that the physical contact would make him hard, but
not John. As a doctor, he knew that there wasn't anything to be
worried about. John had been through major surgery and was still
recovering from that. His entire body would need time to heal. But,
Luka did have to admit that his ego had been a little upset about the
lack of reaction in John.

Satisfied that he had the front of John's body dry, Luka closed the
bath towel. Even though John was wearing a belt that held his
colostomy pouch, Luka knew that John felt self-conscious about the
bag. By covering the upper part of John's body, Luka could still
reach the rest of John. He slowly dried off John's feet and legs,
working his way up John's thighs and to his groin. Luka could feel
the goosebumps on his skin, but he knew that it wasn't just his wet
body giving him chills. It was the nearness of John.

John closed his eyes and softly moaned as he felt Luka's mouth undo
what the towel had done. Not that he minded this kind of wetness on
his body. Nope, not one bit. He noticed when Luka stopped what he
was doing, but he didn't open his eyes. He knew that Luka was heading
for the nightstand to get a condom. Something he should have thought a
bout earlier. Not that it really mattered for him right now. He had
been given so much blood during surgery that he would be a health risk
in his own right for months to come. Sure, the blood banks all
claimed they tested the blood, but how sure could you be that the blood
was safe? But, Luka needed to be protected. In fact, if Luka would
have attempted to go further without a condom, John would have stopped
him. He couldn't bear the thought of Luka being harmed because of
him. It was something he didn't want to think about, and yet, he
found himself thinking about it often. Lucy had been hurt because
of his negligence. So had Audia and Dennis. And Chase. So many
people. And now he faced every day knowing that Luka could be hurt
just because he loved him.

John didn't realize that he was shaking his head until Luka said
something.

"You don't want this?" Luka's voice was sad and when John opened his
eyes he saw Luka standing beside the bed, a condom ready and a
confused look on his face.

"Why would you ask that?"

"You were shaking your head no. I thought that maybe you had changed
your mind."

"Never. I want you, Luka. Nothing has changed that and nothing ever
will. I promise." John reached over and gently ran his hand up Luka's
bare thigh, barely touching the skin. He smiled as that provoked a
response in Luka. It had been a long time for the two of them, and
John knew he only had himself to blame for that. If he had been more
observant of Sobriki, a better doctor that day, then nothing bad
would have happened to him. Or to Lucy. She would be alive and he
would be able to make love with Luka the way they used to. The way
they wanted to.

Luka knelt on the floor and leaned over to kiss John. "I love you so much.
I don't ever want to lose you."

"I love you," John whispered.

Luka's heart sang as he finally heard those words. He had known how
John felt, but it still felt good to hear the words. But, his heart
sank as John continued.

"I'm sorry that I've put you through so much, Luka. I never wanted
to make life hard for you. I only wanted to make you happy."

"You do make me happy, John. Don't ever doubt that." He kissed John
again, and this time John kissed him back, even going so far as to
wrap his arms around Luka's neck and holding him close.

"Why don't you get on the bed with me and turn around? Then we can
satisfy each other," John suggested with a grin.

Luka shook his head. "No. This time is for you, and only you." Then
he kissed his way down John's neck and chest, lingering over his
sensitive nipples before moving lower to run his tongue up John's
thigh.

Once again, John moaned as his head dropped to the covers and he closed
his eyes. While he always liked to watch what he was doing to Luka,
when the tables were turned, he much preferred the experience with his
eyes closed. Blocking out all visual distractions made him concentrate
on what Luka was doing to him and that heightened the sensations that
Luka evoked from his body. Right now, John could feel the underlying
tenderness in Luka's actions. The way he softly stroked his thighs as
his mouth descended on his erection. The murmurs of love as Luka kissed
his way up and down the shaft of John's penis. All of that was so much
better when John couldn't see Luka doing those things. John supposed
that there might be people who would say he was trying to pretend that
it wasn't a man but a woman doing those things to him. They would be
wrong. How could the rough stubble of Luka's beard belong to a woman?
Or the fingers and hands callused from years of harsh washings and
sailing? No, it wasn't a soft face and they definitely weren't soft
hands. They were Luka's hands and face, and ever since the first time
John had felt them touch his skin, he had known that he didn't want
anyone else but Luka.

John's soft sighs of pleasure served to inflame Luka's desire. He
enjoyed giving pleasure to John, and being able to tell that John was
indeed feeling pleasure cheered Luka's heart. It also made him slow
down. He didn't want things to end too quickly. During the weeks they
had spent together Luka had learned the things to do to make John cry
out with pleasure. And the places on John's body that were the most
sensitive to his touch. Luka knew he would never get enough of John.
As much as he had loved Marija, he now found himself loving John even
more. That was an unexpected gain from this relationship. Oh, he
knew that he would fall in love with John from the moment that John
had accepted his advances. But, Luka had not counted on loving John
this much. On needing him more than life itself. It was scary to
have such strong feelings about someone else, but it was also
exhilarating.

Luka slid his mouth up the shaft of John's penis until it was no
longer in his mouth. Then he softly began to blow on the wet organ,
making John shiver from delight. From the way John was moaning and
moving, Luka knew that it would be a good idea to put the condom on
him. He didn't want to get caught up in John and forget about it. He
quickly unrolled the protection onto John, then resumed his explorations
of John's erection, keeping his hands busy with other parts of John
as he did so. After that, John didn't last long. When he came, he
called out Luka's name, his hands grasping the covers with all his
might.

It had been as long for John as it had been for Luka since they last
had sex, and John's climax was intense and long. He was still stunned
by its intensity as Luka quickly cleaned him with the towel and then
dressed him in boxer shorts and sweatpants. When Luka sat down on
the bed beside him, John looked up, a smile on his face.

"That was great. Thank you."

"You're most welcome, but I should be thanking you. Shall we get
under the covers?"

John nodded. "We should. Or else you need to get dressed. You'll catch
a cold if you sit out here naked."

"Where I'm from, it's much colder. I'm used to it, remember?"

"I remember, but you've lived here long enough for your body to get used
to our weather. Can you help me up?"

"Sure." Luka helped John get to his feet, then he tucked him into bed
the proper way. "I'll be right back." Luka disappeared into the bathroom
and returned with John's crutches, which he placed against the wall
between the bed and the nightstand. Then Luka walked to his side of the
bed and got under the covers, snuggling up next to John.

"Today was my last daily appointment for therapy. I won't go back again
until next week," John said as he rolled over to face Luka. "I'm
getting better."

"I know. You've worked hard to get this far, John. Maybe too hard."
Luka tried to keep his tone light, but when he saw John frown, he knew
that he had not been successful.

"Why do you say that?"

"I ran into Mrs. Kelly earlier. She wanted me to let you know that she
wouldn't be walking to the market with you tonight. She then told me
all about your little strolls every evening. John, you know that those
old ladies aren't physically able to help you if you should fall."

"I don't fall, Luka. I take very careful steps and I rest a lot. They
never said I couldn't go for walks. As a matter of fact, I was encouraged
to walk around at home."

"They meant "in" the home, John. Not outside in the cold. What if you
slipped on ice? You really don't want to be back in the hospital...what
are you doing?"

"You're still hard," John said as he grasped Luka's penis.

"We're having a serious discussion here," Luka said.

"Keep talking. I'm listening." John began to stroke Luka.

Luka squeezed his eyes shut, trying his best to ignore what John was doing
to him. "I can't concentrate on talking while you're doing that," Luka
said, opening his eyes only to see that John was looking straight at him,
his brown eyes unblinking, but Luka was sure they held a smile.

"Do you want me to stop?" John continued to caress Luka as he waited to
hear what Luka wanted.

Luka cleared his throat. What John was doing felt nice. Really nice.
But, he also wanted to have a serious conversation with John. Make him
realize that he shouldn't be jeopardizing his health. "No. But, I think
you should. This is important, John...John?" Luka rolled onto his back,
giving up the fight as John disappeared under the covers and Luka once
more felt his mouth upon him. There would be time to talk with John
later, he decided.


Later turned out to be late afternoon because the two of them fell asleep.
Luka was worn out from the combination of working all night and finally
finding a much needed sexual release. John was tired from physical
therapy and his painkiller fully kicked in, making him drowsy. The
end result was that as they curled in each other's arms, they both
drifted off.

Luka was the first to awaken, noticing that it was getting dark in their
bedroom. He would soon have to get ready for work. He still liked the
idea of being home during the day with John, but he also wished he could
stay all night with him as well. Maybe he could ask Kerry for a night
off soon? He certainly deserved it. Heck, they all did. Everyone was
working extra shifts to make up the slack at work.

John stirred beside him and Luka found himself reluctant to awaken him.
But, he wanted to get this talk over and done with. Reaching out, he
gently touched John on the shoulder, totally unprepared when John
jumped and twisted his body in his attempt to turn over in bed. John
cried out in pain then and Luka sat up, gathering John into his arms.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Are you all right?"

John nodded, even though his face was contorted with pain. "Give me a
minute."

"Try to relax," Luka said. It took a few minutes, but he finally felt
John's body begin to relax. "Better?"

John nodded. "Yeah. Sorry about that. What time is it?"

"Four. I need to get ready for work."

"How about if I fix us some dinner while you get dressed?"

"Are you sure you're up for that?"

"We still have leftovers in the fridge, right? I can handle heating
those in the microwave."

"Sounds good to me." Luka kissed John, then got out of bed. "Do you
need the bathroom before I get in there?"

"Um, yeah. I do. I won't be long." John got out on his side of the
bed, grabbing his crutches. While John was gone, Luka gathered up his
clothes for the night. He would talk to John after his shower, since he
didn't think he would last long trying to talk to John while naked. He
grinned as he remembered what happened earlier. There was something to
be said for people who knew the meaning of the word distraction.
Especially that kind of distraction.

"All yours," John said as he hobbled past.

"Thanks." Luka headed into the bathroom while John headed into the
kitchen. Ten minutes later, they were sitting down to eat. John
had pulled on a sweatshirt and socks while Luka had been showering,
and Luka was completely dressed.

"John, getting back to our earlier conversation. I don't want you
doing things that will jeopardize your health."

"I'm not doing that, Luka. I know my limitations. I never pushed
myself too hard, and I won't start now. Like I said, I walked slowly,
took small steps and plenty of breaks. I know what I'm doing."

They stared at each other, John thinking that Luka was making too much
of his "strolls" and Luka thinking that John wasn't taking his own
health seriously.

Luka finally nodded. "Fine. I just don't want to hear about you
going further than the market. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Daddy." John snapped.

"That was uncalled for," Luka replied.

"If you're acting like you're my father, then I think it's very called
for. Just who do you think you are to tell me that you had better not
hear about me going anywhere? You don't run my life, Luka Kovac."

"I wasn't trying to run your life. Don't you understand that I want
you well? If you push yourself too hard, then the only thing you'll
accomplish is another week or so in the hospital."

"And you'll have to go without sex again, right? I've offered to give
you blow jobs before. It's not my fault that you kept turning me down."

Luka shook his head, not sure why John was overreacting. He had never,
in the weeks they had been together, heard John call it a blowjob. Not
even as a joke.

"John, I wasn't thinking about the sex. Yes, I'll admit that I want
things to be the way they were before. I want to make love to you
like we used to. I want you to take me, too. But, I can wait for
that. What I don't want is for you to make yourself ill by pushing
yourself too hard."

"I've got news for you, Luka. Things will never be the way they
were before...that night. Never." John threw his napkin down on
the table, then used his crutches to pull himself to his feet.

"John, you didn't finish your dinner," Luka began.

"Don't start with me again, Luka. I'll eat again when I get hungry.
You need to leave now or you'll be late for work." John went into
the living room and sat down on the couch.

"I'll clear the table first."

"I can do that. You need to leave."

"I can take a few minutes to get the dishes into the kitchen..."

"Dammitt, Luka! I am not an invalid. I said I could handle that
and I will," John yelled at him.

Luka slammed down his plate, his patience finally pushed past its
limit. "Fine. Do it all yourself, John. Why don't you clean the
whole apartment while you're at it? The floor needs to be vacuumed
and the tables dusted. Maybe you can even do the laundry while I'm
gone? Hmm? After all, you're Superman, right? You can do anything
you want."

"You want the laundry done? The floor vacuumed? Hell, Luka, I'll even
mop the kitchen floor while I'm at it. And clean the rest of the
place. Will that make you happy?"

"You're the one who keeps saying that you can do anything, not me.
So do it all, John. Do it all and then have enough strength left
over to call for an ambulance, because by the time you're done with
all of that, you'll need one. I'll see you in the morning." Luka
slammed out of the apartment, still angry.

By the time he reached the El platform, his anger was beginning to
subside. Maybe he was reacting too strongly to John taking those
walks. After all, John did pace himself, and there were people
watching over him while he was out. Luka knew that having limited
mobility was difficult for John. It would be difficult for anyone.
Was he really acting like a father by being concerned about John?
Luka wasn't sure. He thought he was merely looking out for his
best friend and man he loved. Was that a crime? In John's eyes,
the answer was apparently yes.

By the time Luka reached the hospital, he was upset with himself
over yelling at John. He prided himself on keeping his temper in
check, and he had lost it. And in front of John of all people.
Someone who certainly didn't deserve to be yelled at. As he changed
into his lab coat, Luka's eyes kept straying to the phone. He
firmly shut his locker, then called home.

"Please answer," Luka said under his breath as he heard the ringing
from the other end.

"Hello?"

"John, I'm sorry."

"Me, too. I didn't mean to yell at you, Luka."

"And I didn't mean to yell at you. I was overreacting to your walks.
Maybe it was because I had to find out about them from Mrs. Kelly and
not from you."

"Sorry about that. Luka, you don't need to keep worrying about me.
I'm getting better every day."

"I know. I can see it. John, I love you."

"And I love you. Have a good shift, Luka."

"Thanks. You have a good night. I'll see you in the morning."

"Right."

John hung up and turned the vacuum back on. He had managed to clean
a small section of the floor and figured that at the rate he was
going, he would have the carpet finished in an hour or so. Then he
could clean up the kitchen and the bathroom. Maybe even dust. Then
he would head downstairs to the laundry room. Luka didn't think he
could do all of that, but he would show him that he could. Yeah,
he'd show him all right. He'd show Luka that he was right, because
if he really did all of that, then he would end up back in the
hospital. Disgusted with himself over being such a big ass, John
turned the vacuum off and went to sit down. He was so tired of being
unable to do the things he used to do with ease. Like walking without
the aid of crutches or feeling pain with every step he took. Things
like being able to sleep through the night. If it wasn't for the
painkillers he took right before going to bed, then he wouldn't get
any sleep at all. The only time sleep came easily to him was when
Luka was there. Thank God for the meds, John thought as his hand
strayed to his chest and he touched the cross through the fabric of
his shirt. Thank God for Luka.

Luka hung up the phone, still caught up in the conversation he had just
finished with John and the earlier argument they had. He was mildly
surprised that it had taken this long before they finally got into a
fight. God, he and Marija were arguing within two hours of their wedding.
He couldn't remember now what the argument had been about -- but it had
been a fierce one, and the making up had been passionate. He grinned
as he thought about how much fun it was going to be to make up this
argument with John. But, Luka's smile quickly faded when he turned
around to leave the lounge and saw Dave Malucci standing by the sink,
a sneer on his face.

"I never would have figured you to be a fag, Kovac," Dave said, his
voice harsh.

"Excuse me?" Even though Luka knew what Dave meant, this was one
moment when he was more than willing to play the dumb foreigner. "I
don't understand what you mean."

"A fag. You know? A queer. Homo?. So, tell me, Kovac, which one
of you is the bottom? I'll bet it's Carter, right? You'd never let
another man fuck you, would you?"

Before Dave could react, Luka had him backed up against the sink,
his hands twisted in the material of Dave's shirt.

"You had better get one thing clear right now, Malucci. You can
call me anything you want, but you will never say anything like that
to John. Do you understand me? I will rip off your head if I even
hear of you looking at John wrong."

Dave held up his hands in a placating gesture. "Hey, no need to get
upset."

Luka wouldn't let go. "Do you understand me? I will not allow
you to hurt John."

"I understand you perfectly," Dave snapped.

"Good." Luka finally let Dave loose and stepped back to give the man
space.

Dave straightened out his shirt. "You know, Kovac, I used to admire
you. You went through so much in Croatia, then came over here to
rebuild your life. You're a good doctor, too. But, I can never have
any type of respect for a man who would take another man's cock in
his mouth." With that parting comment, Dave walked out.

Luka stood still, the only movements he made were the clenching and
unclenching of his fists. He had been serious about what he had said.
If Dave Malucci, or anyone else, even Robert Romano, made a rude or
crass comment about John, then Luka would kill them. Or at least hurt
them very badly. So much for having everyone being supportive of his
and John's relationship. It was time to have that talk with Kerry.
Let her know that her suspicions were true before Dave started
telling other people.

When Luka stepped out of the lounge, he saw that Malucci was already
at the admit desk, a small group of people around him. Luka decided
to ignore them for now as he went in search of Kerry. He finally
found her in the supply room.

"Got a minute?" He asked.

"Sure. What's on your mind, Luka?" Kerry set the box of tubing aside.

"I'd prefer to speak with you in private."

"I think that exam five is open."

"Good."

They went into the small exam room, and after the door closed, Kerry
turned expectantly to Luka.

"I know that you've suspected that John and I are involved with each
other."

"It occurred to me," she carefully replied.

"Well, you don't have to suspect it any longer. John and I are lovers.
We've been lovers since Christmas."

Kerry slowly nodded. "I see. The two of you have done a remarkable
job of keeping your personal and professional lives separate, Luka. I
wish you would have told me earlier though. If I had known, then I
would have let you handle Lucy when they were stabbed."

"You were very upset that night. I was able to do my job and that's
the important thing, right?"

"Yes. But, you'll have to be more careful in the future, Luka."

"I'll try. I was just on the phone with John and Malucci overheard
all or part of my side of the conversation. I'm sure he heard me tell
John that I loved him. Malucci made some rather nasty comments and I
think he might be telling the rest of the staff that John and I are a
couple."

Kerry sighed. "I see. Well, I guess I should see if I can make an
appointment to speak with Romano."

"I'd like to also speak with him."

"Are you sure about that? Robert can be rather intimidating at times."

"I'm sure. Malucci might complain that I threatened him."

"Did you?"

"Yes."

Kerry raised her eyebrows in surprise. She never pictured Luka as
being the violent type. "May I ask why?"

"He said some crude things about us and I merely informed him that if
he ever said anything like that to John then I would rip his head off.
I will not stand by and let John get hurt, Kerry."

"I guess I can't fault you for that. I would probably react that same
way. John still has a long way to go, physically, mentally and
emotionally. He doesn't need to have Malucci taunting him over his
relationship with you."

"No. Let me know when we can meet with Romano, okay?"

"Sure," Kerry replied. "I'll call up to see if Robert's still here."

"Thanks."

They walked out of the exam room, Kerry going back to pick up her
supplies and Luka heading for the admit desk to see what was on the
board. Malucci was finally leaving, which suited Luka just fine.
He really didn't want to have to work alongside him tonight. As
Luka neared Malucci though, he noticed that Malucci's previous bravado
was gone. Instead, the man looked chastised. Luka heard Randi
mutter something about "ignorant assholes" and he looked over in
time to see her staring rather hatefully in Malucci's direction.
At least she didn't share Malucci's righteous indignation about him
and John. And, judging by the grin on Chuny's face as she looked
at him, she didn't share Malucci's opinion either. Luka tried to
see how Amira took the news, but she wouldn't even look at him.
But, that in itself told him a lot.

As Luka tried to read the board, he couldn't help but notice that
Chuny was standing now standing beside him. Grinning from ear to
ear.

"Yes?" he asked.

"If Carter would have told me why he didn't like going on all those
blind dates with my girl friends, I had a few guys I could have fixed
him up with."

"I think he's happy with what he has, Chuny."

"I know I would be," she joked, elbowing him in the side. Amira
cleared her throat very loudly, then returned her attention to the
computer screen.

"What's with her?" Luka whispered.

"She has the hots for Carter and now she's ticked off because he's
not available," Chuny said, not caring if Amira overheard her or
not.

"Oh." Luka wasn't really sure how to reply to that.

"Well, I'm out of here. See you guys tomorrow," Randi said as
she left.

"Goodbye," Luka called out.

Luka finally decided on a patient and he grabbed the person's
chart. As he headed for the exam room, he passed Yosh.

"You and Carter are very lucky," Yosh said with a smile.

"Thank you, Yosh. I feel lucky," Luka replied. So, not everyone
was going to be an ass about him and John. Good. Of course, it
probably helped that Yosh was gay. At least that was the impression
Luka had of the man. Nothing had ever been said outright, but Luka
was pretty sure he was correct about which gender Yosh preferred.

With a grin, Luka continued on his way.


John was comfortably settled in front of the television when the
doorbell rang.

"I'll be right there," he called as he slowly got to his feet.

"No need to rush," a female voice called back.

"Abby?"

"Yep. Take your time."

John wondered why she was visiting at this time of night, but he
wasn't going to shout that question at her. He opened the door.
"Come on in."

"Thanks," she smiled as she stepped into the apartment. "I hope you
don't mind me dropping by like this. I know it's almost ten, but I
just didn't feel like going home tonight."

"No, I don't mind the company. I was just watching an old movie.
Can I get you anything? Beer? Soda? Water?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine." They sat back down on the couch.

"So, how was work today?" John asked.

"Busy. As always. Um, has Luka called you lately?"

"No. Why are you asking? What happened?"

"Malucci overheard Luka talking to you on the telephone. He then
proceeded to tell everyone that you and Luka are a couple."

John sighed. "Damn. So, who was on when Malucci said all this?"

"It was when the shifts were changing, so a lot of people heard.
Most didn't seem to care one way or the other. The people who
liked you before still like you." She smiled reassuringly.

"That's good to know. Well, I knew we wouldn't be able to keep
this a secret forever. Maybe it's better this way. After all, I
won't be back to work for a couple of weeks, so by then, people
won't be as nosy or curious."

"That's true."

"So is that why you didn't want to go home?" he asked with a grin.

Abby shook her head. "Not really. I had to meet with my husband.
Soon to be ex-husband, I hope. There were a few more things we
needed to discuss. He's such a S.O.B. But, when I left the diner
where we met, I felt so alone. And I didn't want to go home and
be alone."

"Well, you can stay here as long as you like. There's a comedy
movie marathon starting at ten. Want to get happy?"

She grinned. "I'd like that very much. And I think I could go
for a beer now. How about you? Would you like one?"

"You'd really let me have one?" he asked, surprised.

"Sure. Why not?"

"Luka feels that since my kidney was so badly damaged that I should
avoid alcohol for a little while. At first, he didn't want me to
drink soda, either, but I finally got him to ease up on that."

"Well, if he doesn't want you to have any, then why is there some
here?"

"To torture me," John seriously replied. "The man is a sadist."

Abby laughed as she headed for the kitchen. "So, what will it be?
Beer or soda?"

"Beer. I would love to have just one beer."

Abby returned with two bottles. "Not a brand I'm familiar with,"
she commented as she handed one to John.

"It's some European brand that Luka finds somewhere. He says it's
better than American beer." John took a deep drink. "Ah. I feel
a little better now. It's amazing what you miss once you're told
you can't have it."

"Yeah," Abby agreed, sneaking a furtive glance in John's direction.
"It is, isn't it?" As she settled back to enjoy the movie that was
just beginning, she noticed the vacuum cleaner over by the bedroom
door. "John, you haven't been vacuuming, have you?"

"Just a little bit. I thought the rug needed it."

Abby shook her head. "You really shouldn't be doing anything like
that yet. You're still recuperating."

"I'm getting stronger every day, Abby. It's no big deal," he
firmly said.

"It is a big deal, John. Even though you've been out of the hospital
for a while now, and your stitches are out, you could still rip open
your incision from surgery. When I was an OB nurse I had to give
very stern lectures to mothers who had gone through C-Sections about
what they could and could not do once they got home."

"I didn't have a baby, Abby," he replied with a laugh.

"No, you didn't. But, you had abdominal surgery and kidney surgery,
and it will take time to heal from all of that. John, if you had to
go back into the hospital because you pushed yourself too hard, then
Luka would be lost." When John refused to look at her, Abby knew
she had hit her mark and she continued. "He loves you so much, John,
and he missed you terribly while you were in the hospital. Since
you've been home, he's been a different person. I don't know all
the details about Luka's life, but I know that he's lost a lot
already. When you were stabbed, he was so scared that he was going
to lose you, too."

"He never said that. He just said that he knew I would make it."

"Because for him you had to make it."

John thought about that and he knew in his heart that Abby was right.
Then he felt like an ass for purposely leaving the vacuum out for
Luka to see. "Abby? Would you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"The vacuum goes in that closet over there. Would you put it up
for me?"

Abby set her beer down. "Not a problem."

John smiled up at her. "Thanks. For coming over and for the lecture."

"It wasn't a lecture, John. Just a bit of insight." Abby said as
she put the vacuum away.

"Lecture or insight, it was something I needed to hear. If you ever
think I need to hear more, please don't hold back, okay?"

Abby sat back down. "You've got a deal."



Luka let himself into the apartment, trying his best to be quiet, as
always. He never meant to awaken John when he came home from work,
but every day, when he got to the bedroom, John would be awake. As
Luka headed through the living room, he stopped in his tracks at the
sight of Abby Lockhart asleep on the couch. What in the world was
she doing here? He walked over and gently shook her shoulder. She
awoke with a start.

"Luka, what are you doing here?" she asked, then hastily covered her
mouth as she yawned.

"I live here. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, my God. What time is it?" She looked down at her wrist. "I'm
late for work," she moaned.

"I can see that. You still didn't answer my question."

"I stopped by to see John last night and we ended up watching a
movie marathon. I must have dozed off during "Caddyshack". I
certainly don't remember anything after Bill Murray...well, you
really don't care what Bill Murray was doing, do you? Would you
hand me that shoe?" Abby pushed aside the blanket and sat up.

"Here." Luka handed her the shoe, then escorted her to the door
once she was ready to leave. "I'll tell John good-bye for you."

"Thanks. See you later." Abby left and Luka once more locked the
door. When he entered the bedroom, John was awake in bed and
smiling at him.

"A little jealous there, aren't you?" he asked.

"Not at all," Luka replied. But, he had been a little perturbed to
find Abby there. Still, she was the first person to know about
them, so Luka knew she wouldn't make a pass at John. At least he
hoped she wouldn't.

"Right. That's why you didn't waste any time hustling her out the
door."

"She said you were up late watching movies." Luka said as he
began to undress for bed.

"Yeah. It was nice to have company. So, how was work?"

"Okay."

"Anything important happen?"

"Like what?" Luka asked as he went into the bathroom to brush his
teeth.

"Oh, I don't know. Like maybe Dave Malucci telling the entire
hospital that we're sleeping with each other?" John loudly said,
hoping that Luka would be able to hear him in the other room.

"Oh, that," Luka replied.

"Yeah, that."

"Abby told you?"

"Yeah."

Luka hurriedly brushed his teeth, then crawled into bed, snuggling
next to John. "Most people took the news well."

"Good," John said as he put his arms around Luka.

"You're not upset?"

"No. We won't have to sneak around now."

"No. We won't. John, Malucci...he's got a problem with it."

John shrugged. "That's his problem, not ours."

"I told Kerry and we went to talk to Romano about it. He sneered
and made some rude comments, but there aren't any rules against us
being together."

"I think some religious people would argue that point with you."

"I meant about you being a Resident and me being an Attending. He
said that me treating you before couldn't be helped, but that in the
future, I'm not to treat you if you get stabbed."

As soon as the words left his lips, Luka felt John stiffen and he
knew he should have kept his mouth shut. John didn't like to talk
about Valentine's Day, not even in jest. Unless he was the one
doing the joking.

"Sorry," Luka murmured.

"It's okay. He's right though. You shouldn't. You should try to
get to sleep now."

"I think I had too much caffeine last night. I'm not tired."

"Not tired at all?"

"Not a bit," Luka said with a grin.

"Well, then what are you doing in bed?"

"I was hoping that we could find something to do to wear me out."

John grinned. "I think we can come up with something."

"I knew you'd agree with me," Luka chuckled as their lips met for
a kiss and he felt John's hands begin to roam over his body.



Luka paced the OR waiting area, wondering just how long it took to
undo a colostomy. According to the clock on the wall, John had been
in surgery for two hours. In Luka's opinion, it was taking too long.
What if there had been complications?

"Luka, you really should sit down. Doctor Benton said that he would
be out as soon as they had taken John to the recovery room," Millicent
said.

Luka nodded, but he didn't sit down. "It shouldn't be taking this
long."

"Luka, please sit down and relax. Doctor Benton said that it
normally takes over an hour. You have to also give them time to get
John into the recovery room."

"I should go back and check on him. I'll be right back." Luka had
taken two steps toward the doors to the OR area when the doors
opened and Peter walked out toward them, smiling.

Millicent got to her feet as Peter approached. "How is John doing?"

"He's in recovery and his vital signs are stable. The surgery went
well. He'll be here about a week, provided there are no
complications."

"What kind of complications can he have?" she asked.

"There are many," Luka said, "John could develop a bowel obstruction
or get an infection. He's going to have an NG tube for a few days
at least. He's going to hate that."

"I know, but it can't be helped. The two of you can go back to see
him in about five minutes, but I don't want you staying long. He's
going to be on I.V. antibiotics and painkillers for a while and I
want him to get a lot of rest."

"We won't tire him out," Millicent assured him. "I'll make sure of
that. Thank you, Doctor Benton." She grasped his hand and gave
it a gentle squeeze. "I know that John is grateful for all that
you've done for him."

"Carter's a great doctor, Mrs. Carter. None of us were ready to
lose him."

"Still, you have a great talent, and I'm glad that you haven't wasted
it."

"Thank you. A nurse will be out here soon to take you back to see
Carter." With that, Peter left.

Luka finally sat down, and he nodded. "Well, that's one step closer
to getting him home."

Millicent gently touched his shoulder. "John is lucky to have you
in his life, Luka. When Roland first told me about you and John, I
had my reservations about your relationship. But, I've seen how much
you love him and how much he cares about you in return."

"Thank you. I feel very lucky that I have John. I just want him
home and well."

"That's what we all want. I wonder if I have time to phone Roland
and Sarah before the nurse gets here? I promised to call them as
soon as we had news about John."

"You might have time, but wouldn't you prefer to call them after
you've seen John?"

Millicent smiled. "You're right. I didn't even think of that. That
shows you how nervous I was over the surgery."

"You didn't act nervous," Luka observed. In his eyes, Millicent
had been totally at ease the entire morning while he had been a
nervous wreck.

"Trust me, Luka, I was nervous," Millicent said, amused that he
still didn't seem to believe her. She may not have been pacing the
floor as he had done, but she had been worried about John. "I think
this is the nurse we've been waiting on." Millicent said as she saw
a nurse walk though the doors and head straight for them.

"Mrs. Carter? Doctor Kovac? I'm supposed to take you in to see
Doctor Carter now."

"Thank you," Millicent grabbed her purse and she and Luka followed
the nurse to the recovery area. Once at John's bed, Luka went to
one side, immediately taking John's hand in his own, while Millicent
stayed on the other side of the bed.

"We ask that you only stay a few minutes," the nurse said, then she
left them alone with John. Or as alone as they could be in a room
that held other patients.

Millicent reached out for John's hand, her eyes taking in the I.V.
lines and the tube that went up his nose. She felt reassured by
the steady beeping of the monitor, and she was glad she had Luka
there to explain to her what was happening with John.

"What happens now?" she asked.

"He'll have the NG tube for a few days, at least until he passes
gas or has a bowel movement. Once that happens, that will be
removed and he'll get clear liquids. If he can handle that, then
he'll get other liquids and then, finally, solid food. He'll be
on I.V. antibiotics for three or four days. If there are no
complications, then he can go home in a week. But, once he's home,
he might still encounter some problems. He can get an infection
or a bowel obstruction very easily."

"It's a good thing he has you to take care of him, then."

"He doesn't want anyone taking care of him. John thinks he can
take care of himself just fine."

"Luka, the secret with John is learning how to take care of him
without him knowing that you're taking care of him. Trust me on
this, I've been doing it all his life." Millicent smiled up at
him. "I'm willing to share the secret of how to do that."

Luka smiled back. "I'd like that. Thank you. Shh. He's waking
up. Hello," Luka warmly greeted John.

John smiled weakly. "Hello. Benton told me that everything went
well."

"That's what he told us. We can only stay a few minutes. The
nurse wants you to rest and Millicent wants to call your parents
to let them know you're okay." Luka slowly rubbed his thumb across
John's palm.

John nodded. "Tell them hello for me, Gamma."

"I will. We'll let you get back to sleep now. I love you, John."

"Love you, too, Gamma," John said as his eyes began to close.
"Love you, too, Luka."

Luka bent over and softly kissed John. "I love you."

Luka followed Millicent out of recovery and back to the waiting
area. He stayed while she called Roland and Sarah, then accepted
her offer to buy him lunch at Doc Magoos. During lunch, she filled
him in on the secret of handling John, then she gave him a ride
back to the apartment so he could take a nap before heading into
work. Now that Luka knew what to do for John, he was looking
forward to John's next homecoming.

Luka awoke from his nap, wishing that he didn't have to go into work
that night. Working nights while John had been hospitalized had not
been bad. Working nights while John was first home hadn't been too
bad either. But, now that John was quickly approaching the end of
his six-week recovery window, Luka was wishing he was back on days.
John had already spoken with Kerry about returning to work, and she
had agreed that at first John would be better off working days.
Which meant that unless Luka could get Mark or Kerry to switch
shifts with him, he wouldn't be seeing much of John once John
returned to the E.R.

Luka had thought that Kerry would be the one to suggest him
returning to days, but so far she had been quiet on the subject.
Luka was tempted to bring up the topic, but he didn't think that
his argument of wanting to be able to spend time with John was
going to go over well. Everyone had someone they wanted to
spend time with, or things they wanted to do. He couldn't expect
everyone to make exceptions for him and John. He only wished
they would.

Luka was still laying there, thinking about whether he should get
a shower or something to eat when he heard the front door open,
followed by the sound of Carter's crutches on the wood floor.
Then he remembered that John had a doctor appointment that day,
and a glance at the clock told him that John was now returning
from that appointment.

"Finally awake, huh?" John said as he slowly entered the bedroom.

"I was really tired. So, how did the visit go?" Luka asked as he
sat up in bed.

"Really good. I still need to go back for an MRI, but everything
is fine. I've been given the green light."

Luka's brow furrowed as he tried to decipher what John meant by
that. John saw his confusion and laughed. "Sorry. I'm well
enough to go back to work whenever I'm ready." After putting his
crutches aside, he kicked off his shoes and gingerly climbed onto
the bed, straddling Luka's hips. "And I'm well enough to do a
lot of other things as well," he said as he lowered his mouth to
Luka's, kissing him deeply.

"What about your back? You know that it still hurts when you
bend over too far," Luka managed to say as John had to stop
kissing him in order to begin taking off his shirt.

"As you pointed out, it only hurts if I bend too far." He
shrugged, "So, don't bend me."

Luka wrapped his arms around John, pulling him close and kissing
his neck. "I think I can remember that," he murmured as he licked
his way up John's neck to his jaw, then planted kisses along the
jawline to the other side of his neck. Then their lips met once
more, both men consumed with desire for each other.

"I want you now, John," Luka growled.

"I'm right here, Luka," John said, his eyes bright with arousal.

"No, I mean that I want you now. In me." Luka's hands were busy
with John's pants, quickly freeing John's erection. When he
tightly grasped John, the sigh that ensued went straight to Luka's
groin, inflaming his desire even more. Having oral sex with John
over the past few weeks had been good, but he had missed the more
intimate acts. They both had longed for the day when they once
more could become one.

"I need to get you ready then," John gasped as Luka's hand pumped
him. If Luka kept that up, then he wouldn't last long enough to
take Luka the way he wanted.

"I'm more than ready for you." Luka wiggled his hips under John.
"See?" He asked with a grin.

"Oh, yes, you are quite ready," John grinned back. "But, for the
wrong thing. Or did I hear you wrong? I thought you were begging
me to take you?"

"Me, beg? You must have misheard me. Now, get undressed."

John smirked as he got off of the bed and finished taking off his
clothes. Luka liked to be bossy in bed, even when he was the one
on the receiving end of the loving. "Yes. You were begging."

"I never beg." Luka pulled off his underwear, then reached for a
condom and the tube of lubricant. "Come here." He sat at the edge
of the bed and pulled John close once more, breathing deeply as he
buried his face in John's belly. He could never get enough of
John. Not enough of the way John smelled, or the way his skin
tasted. Luka's tongue snaked out and he used it to sensuously trace
the scar that ran from just under John's breastbone to just above
his pubic bone. He felt John flinch, but he held him in place,
knowing that he wasn't hurting John. John was merely reacting that
way because he was embarrassed about his scars. Not that he would
ever have anything to feel embarrassed about where his body was
concerned. Luka loved every inch of him. He let his tongue glide
over John's penis, following the shaft to the tumescent tip, smiling
as he heard John loudly moan. Luka then rolled the condom onto John
and lay back on the bed, raising his legs for him.

"Take. Me. Now." Luka made sure he clearly enunciated each word,
not wanting to give John any reason to think he meant anything else.
He should have known that John wouldn't listen to him. He never
did, Luka mused as he watched John slowly sink to his knees. It
was then Luka's turn to moan loudly as John kissed him intimately.
As John's tongue slowly impaled him, Luka bit his lower lip,
determined to not beg John for more. But, he wanted so much more.
More of John's tongue, more of John's touch. He wanted to feel
John's fullness inside as they joined together. He wanted to
watch John as he came, see the changes that would flitter over
his face as his orgasm tore through his body. And then Luka
wanted to be the one in John, savoring his heat and the tightness
of his body. Oh, God, he would be as tight as he was the first
time they were together, it had been so long for them. The idea
itself was intoxicating. Luka moaned as much from his imagination
as from what John was doing to him. He had to have more now.

"Damn, John, quit playing with me. Take me."

John slowly got to his feet, using Luka's legs as his levers. A
decidedly wicked grin danced across his face. "Are you sure you're
ready?"

"Yes," Luka impatiently replied. "Now, John. Take me now."

John's answer was to reach out and begin to lightly tickle the skin
that was now taut over Luka's testicles. That was it. Luka decided
that John could win this time. "Please? I need you in me, John."

"Sounds like you're begging, Luka. Are you begging me to take you?"
John tried to keep his voice neutral as he asked, but his own arousal
was making it difficult to resist the lure of Luka's body.

"Yes!" Luka shouted. "I'm begging you." Then Luka began to speak
Croatian. John wasn't sure what Luka was saying, but he had heard
those same words on many other occasions. As he slowly entered
Luka, the words changed. They were still Croatian, and still words
that John had heard before, but John was a little surer of their
meaning.

"You are so tight, Luka. It feels like it's been years since we
last did this."

"Don't talk. Just do it," Luka groaned as his prostate was massaged
by John's erection. The action sent shivers up his spine and he
never wanted that feeling to end. He could hear Malucci's voice as
he said "You'd never let another man fuck you." If Malucci had any
inkling of what it felt like to be loved by John, then he would
easily understand how Luka could and would let John take him. When
it was like this, when Luka was so hot for John that he willingly
begged, when John and his needs were this raw, then Luka knew for a
fact that this was what he liked best. And yet, he also knew that
when this was over and he was the one taking John, that act would
be what he liked best.

Then Luka quit thinking about which was best and he gave John his
entire concentration. They met each other thrust for thrust, Luka's
hips rising to meet John. When John tried to bring Luka to orgasm
with his hand, Luka had to stop him. "That's for you."

"God, Luka, you're going to kill me," John was almost panting from
exertion and desire. The mental image of himself on the bed and
Luka thrusting into him was enough to bring him to the brink,
thrusting a final time into Luka and holding onto Luka's legs as
he came hard into him. As his energy slowly left him, John wished
he could lie atop Luka and let the other man wrap his arms and
legs around him. But, he knew he couldn't bend over to do that.
His back was already beginning to ache from this bout of love
making. Not that he would admit that to Luka. Not now at least.
That admission could wait until after Luka had been properly sated.

John gently withdrew, and when he returned from the bathroom, Luka
was standing by the bed. They embraced, kissing each other softly.

"That was wonderful, Luka. Thank you," John whispered into his ear.

"You are most welcome. Your turn will be just as nice, no?"

"If not better," John grinned. "So, how do you want me?"

Luka chuckled as he ran his hands up and down John's back. "Every
way I can get you," he said. "Seriously, I was trying to figure out
which position would be easiest for you."

"I think on my back."

"Oh, really? And do you think in any other position?"

"And to think that some people don't believe you have a sense of
humor." John kissed Luka again, then sat down on the bed. He looked
up at Luka, knowing that his own eyes had to be as full of desire as
Luka's were right then. "I think best on my back," John said as he
carefully eased his body to the mattress, then slowly spread his
legs.

"Yes, you most certainly do," Luka's voice was husky as his eyes
took in all of John with one long look. At times like this, it was
difficult for Luka to believe that it wasn't so long ago that John
was an inexperienced virgin who had to be handled gently before he
could begin to enjoy himself. Luka still liked to handle John
gently at times, but John didn't need that in order to find pleasure
in what they did. He was totally open and receptive to Luka and
there had been a few times when Luka had seriously asked himself if
he had created a monster when he introduced John to the pleasures
of gay sex. If he were truly honest with himself, then Luka had to
admit that he could never get enough of John, either.

"Are you just going to stand there?" John asked, feeling uneasy
with Luka staring at him as if he was a grand prize. It had been
bad enough before when Luka wanted to just look at his naked body,
but now...well, he wasn't a pretty sight. He moved his left arm so
that it crossed his body, covering the scar from the colostomy and
hopefully hiding a good portion of the surgical scar.

"I like looking at you. You know that," Luka said as he reached
out to softly caress John's thigh.

"I know that I'm not a pretty sight anymore, Luka." John didn't
mean to sound bitter, but he knew he did.

"You will always be beautiful to me. Why do you want to hide
yourself from me, John? I have always enjoyed your body and
that will never change."

"I'm scarred for life, Luka."

Luka rubbed his left hand over his own stomach, letting his
fingers drift over his own scar, a reminder of a surgery done
years ago. "You never turned away from me."

"You're beautiful, Luka," John sincerely said. "Nothing distracts
from that."

"Then why do you think that your scars will bother me?" When John
couldn't or wouldn't answer him, Luka decided that maybe this was a
time when John needed to be handled gently. Like their first time.
"Move to the middle of the bed and roll over on your stomach."

John wanted to ask Luka why he wanted him to do that, but the
thought that his scars would be hidden had great appeal, so John
quickly obeyed. John heard the nightstand drawer open and close,
then he felt Luka lightly straddle him, shortly followed by the
feel of Luka's strong hands on his shoulders. The smell of the
massage oil reached his nose and John took a deep breath, finding
the scent relaxing. When Luka's hands left his skin, John knew
that he was pouring the oil into one hand, intending to warm it
before beginning the massage. Just as Luka had done their first
time together. Although the oil wasn't introduced until much later
in their lovemaking.

A soft kiss was planted between his shoulder blades and John heard
Luka ask him if he liked that.

"Yes. It's nice. Very nice," he replied.

"Then you'll like this, too," Luka said. As his hands kneaded
John's shoulders, Luka's lips were making their way down John's
spine. Luka carefully shifted his body lower, moving his hands
down John's back as he made his way down to John's thighs, ever
mindful that he couldn't put any weight on John's back or hips. He
wanted to pay extra attention to the reminders of the stabbing --
the lesser of John's scars, but Luka knew that to call attention
to them would be too much of a reminder of the attack for John.
So, he ignored them much the same way that John did. Instead, he
gently pushed John's legs apart, a smile lighting up his face when
John willingly parted them even further. Luka had wanted to recreate
their first time together and it was apparent that John remembered
that day as well. Luka gently kissed the silky skin of John's inner
thigh, his erection beginning to throb as John's moans reached his
ears. Luka decided to ignore his own discomfort for now so he could
concentrate on showing John just how much he missed all of his body.

Thinking about their first time made Luka realize just how much
John had changed over the past months. That day, he had been
skittish, his touches halting. Definitely uncertain. Now though,
John was much more at ease, with Luka and with himself. There was
definitely no risk that John would bolt from the bed in fear, and
his touches were never faltering. Instead they were sure and gentle.
John had discovered what Luka liked and made sure that he did all
he could to please him. Which only made Luka want even more to
please John.

John's hands clenched the sheet and blanket as he felt Luka plant
butterfly kisses on his thighs. If he remembered their first time
correctly, then the next place that Luka kissed would be far more
intimate than his thighs. And far more exciting. John had been
rimmed before he ever met Luka. His girlfriends were nothing if
not inventive. Yet, having Luka touch him that way had been far
more exciting than it had ever felt with a woman. At first, John
had thought it was just the novelty of having a man do that to
him. But, after Luka went even further than just licking on
more than one occasion, John knew that the thrill came from the
fact that it just felt good and was being done by Luka. Luka's
willingness to please him like that had made John bold enough to
return the favor. And from the sounds he had gotten from Luka as
he imitated what he had done, John knew he had learnt well. As
much as it had pleasantly surprised him to find that Luka liked
being rimmed, and entered, John had been even more surprised by
how much he loved both acts. There were many nights when they
were snuggled in a post-coital bliss, playfully arguing about which
one of them liked being taken the most, and which liked performing
oral sex best, which liked receiving it best, which one liked
being the taker, and so on. It was very rare when a love-making
session consisted of only one of them being on the bottom, or
sucked. Sometimes it happened, but not often.

John cried out loud as his pleasant thoughts were interrupted by
the intrusion of Luka's tongue into his body. He couldn't keep
his body from responding as his hips pushed backward, wanting even
more contact with Luka's mouth. And Luka obliged him eagerly.
Just as he had their first time. John remembered feeling slightly
ashamed of himself for reacting that way to Luka, but when he
realized that his reaction turned Luka on even more, it served
to inflame his arousal.

Just like now.

John's hips left the bed as a slick finger joined Luka's tongue.
"Yes, Luka," he called out, his voice breaking. Then strong
hands gently rolled him over, grabbed his ankles and pulled his
body until the edge of his butt was even with the side of the bed.
John stared at the ceiling, not sure what to expect next. Their
first time had happened with him on his stomach, not on his back.
His breath caught as he felt Luka's mouth on his once more erect
penis. It felt so good to be engulfed in that talented mouth.
That mouth that didn't care that it was kissing damaged goods as
Luka kissed his way up John's stomach to his chest, then
unmercifully attacked his nipples, using his fingers on one while
his lips and teeth were busy with the other. At times like these,
John wished he had more than two nipples. Four or six would be
nice. Of course, then Luka would need more hands. And that
would be even better, he thought with a contented sigh. He ran
his hands through Luka's hair, glad it was long enough for him
to hold and play with. He kept his hands there as Luka kissed
his way back down his body, but he lost contact with him when Luka
lifted his legs and planted a kiss under his scrotum.

Luka got to his feet and grabbed a condom. "Are you ready?" he
huskily asked. He really didn't think he was going to hold out
as long as he wanted, but it wouldn't matter. He had to be inside
of John now.

John nodded, then closed his eyes as he felt the tip of Luka's
penis press against him. He willed himself to relax and then
the rest of Luka sank into him, joining them. Once inside, Luka
was still and John flexed his sphincter muscles, smiling when
that made Luka gasp.

"You'll make me come before I ever get started," Luka said.

"Then start already," John urged. He opened his eyes and smiled
up at Luka, giving him as much non-verbal encouragement as he
could manage. And Luka took it. He began to move slowly, but he
couldn't handle that pace. John could sense Luka's need for
release and he moved quickly with him, urging him on verbally as
his own hand found his hard penis and he sought his own release for
a second time that day. When they climaxed, it was together, and
Luka was giddy with laughter as he pulled out.

"Next time will be much slower, I promise you," he gasped as he
placed kisses all over John's face.

"I'll hold you to that promise, but I didn't see anything wrong
with this time," John told him. "It was great."

"I'll be right back." Luka disappeared into the bathroom to
discard the condom and get a washcloth to clean John. He felt
slightly guilty that John had to use his own hand, but he had been
so caught up in how good it felt to once more be in John that he
hadn't given any thought to John's arousal. As he exited the
bathroom, he paused, letting his gaze linger on John. John was
still in the same position on the bed, his eyes closed and arms
flung out from his body, his legs still spread wide. Luka felt
his chest constrict as he reminded himself that the body before
him was all his.

Luka was so caught up in watching John that he didn't notice
that John was now staring at him.

"You look beautiful standing there," John said. He knew he would
never tire of looking at Luka, although there were times when he
questioned why it was that Luka had chosen him. Not that he
minded being chosen. Nope, not one bit.

"Thank you," Luka walked over to the bed and slowly began to
clean John's belly. Satisfied with his handiwork, Luka continued
to use the washcloth on John's body, lightly skimming it over his skin.

"If you keep doing that, then we'll never get out of bed," John
warned.

Luka grinned. "I can live with that, can you?"

"It's not a problem," John grinned back.

As Luka toyed with John's skin, he found himself remembering how
surprised he had been when, shortly after coming home from the
hospital, John had asked him if he wanted a blowjob. It wasn't
John's offer of oral sex that had surprised him, it was the words
John had used. In the entire time he had known John, Luka had
never heard him use common words to describe anything. It wasn't
a cock, it was a penis. They weren't balls, they were testicles.
It wasn't a blowjob, it was oral sex. Luka had found himself
amused at John's vocabulary, knowing it was a result of his
upper-class upbringing. But, there were times when saying penis
just didn't sound right. Luka had often thought of trying to
speak to John about their "bedroom" talk, but the time had never
been right. Maybe now would be a good time, he thought. Yes, it
certainly would be a good time to have that conversation. Then
again, maybe talking about it wouldn't get the results he wanted,
which, right now, were to hear John talking "dirty". Well, if
John wouldn't say those things in English, then maybe he would be
willing to say them in another language. Such as Croatian.
Certainly John couldn't find any objections to saying certain
phrases in Croatian? "I think I should teach you Croatian," Luka
said as he lowered his head to taste John's skin.

"I've been told that I'm a fast learner," John said, then he gasped
as he felt Luka's tongue flitter over his anus.

"Repeat after me: vijak mene." Luka only removed his mouth long
enough to speak, then he returned his attentions to John's body.

John knew he had heard that phrase before. As a matter of fact,
he had heard it not that much earlier. It had been one of the
things Luka had repeated when he was taking Luka. John shook his
head. "What does that mean?"

"Say it," Luka ordered, then he took John's scrotum into his mouth,
gently sucking on it.

"I don't think so. If you won't tell me what it means, then it must
not be anything nice," John was trying to keep level headed enough
to reason with Luka, but the things that Luka's tongue and lips were
doing to him were making it hard -- literally -- for him to think.

"Vijak mene. Say it." Luka ordered.

"No," John stubbornly replied.

Luka licked his way across John's perineum, then smiled as he felt
John's entire body shudder when his tongue claimed him. He could
make John do as he wanted.

"If you don't say it, then I will never do this again," Luka vowed.
To show John just what he meant, Luka let his tongue slip into him.

"Never again, now? Or never again, ever?" John worriedly asked.

"Never again, ever. Say it, John."

John whimpered as Luka's tongue snaked in and out of his body. He
loved this. It drove him crazy when Luka touched him this way.
Could he live with never feeling this again? No. He couldn't. He
wouldn't. He went over the phrase in his mind, then said it.

"Not bad. Not quite right though. Vijak mene," Luka slowly said
the words, then he began to lap at John like a cat, liking the way
that John's body was now writhing.

"Vijak mene," John said. "Vijak mene."

Luka kept his tongue busy with John, but his hands were making quick
work of putting on another condom. He suddenly broke off his contact
with John's skin, grinning at John's sigh of displeasure and then
his gasp of surprise as he slowly entered him. "With pleasure."

"Vijak mene," John said again, very loudly this time, now knowing
what it was that Luka had him saying. It hadn't been all that long
since Luka was last in him, but it felt even better now than it had
before. "Faster," he demanded as he raised his hips to meet Luka.
Much to his chagrin, Luka only slowed his movements. "Didn't you
hear me? Faster, Luka."

"I heard you just fine. But, I'm not going faster. I want to make
this last long. Very long." With that, Luka bent nearly double so
he could capture one of John's nipples into his mouth. He
immediately felt John's hands on his head, holding him in place.

"Don't stop," John nearly whimpered.

"I don't intend to stop," Luka said as he switched to the other side
of John's chest. It thrilled him to have John writhing under him, and
knowing that he was making John feel this good made Luka feel as if
all the heartache in his life had been worthwhile as long as it led
to this place in time. Luka straightened, letting his hands trail d
own John's body until he had them full of John's penis and testicles.
He could tell by the way that John was moving his hips now that John
wanted him to make him come, but he had no intention of doing that
just yet. When John came, it would happen because of what Luka was
doing to him with his mouth and not because of what he was doing with
him with his hands.

John whimpered once more as Luka's hands left his throbbing erection
and settled on his hips. "Luka, please?" he begged.

"Not yet. Say this: sisanje mene od."

"Sisanje mene od," John shouted, not caring if he had the right
pronunciation, or even what he was saying.

Luka grinned. "Good. I will. Soon." His desire to keep the pace
slow was being sorely tested by his body's desire to reach completion.
And John's movements weren't helping his determination one bit.
Finally, he threw his plans aside and suddenly increased both the
speed and the length of his strokes, making John cry out in pleasure.

"God," John gasped. "Vijak mene. Faster. Harder. Damn." John
moaned as pleasure arced its way up his body. If he died right then,
he knew he would die completely happy. Nothing else in the world
mattered to him more than what was happening to him and the man who
was making it happen.

"I love you," John managed to say.

Luka was too caught up in his own desires to be able to respond to
that. He cried out, his grip on John's hips tightening as his semen
filled the condom in long bursts. He was mildly surprised as how much
there was since it had not been all that long since his last orgasm.
He quickly pulled out and removed the condom, then grabbed a fresh
one. As he rolled it onto John, his mouth followed his fingers and
he had all of John in his mouth, determined to honor his vow to do
what John had asked moments earlier. He started out by slowly
massaging John's member with his lips and tongue, until he knew that
neither of them could take any more. Then he began to work on John
in earnest, bringing him to an almost violent orgasm that left John
breathless. As he had so many times, Luka regretted the fact that
he couldn't taste John. He wanted that so much. Wanted to literally
consume him. But, they had always practiced safe sex, with the
exception of the time John brought him off in the shower, and Luka
had vowed to never let happen again. He felt slightly jealous of
that -- John knew how he tasted. Luka hurried to discard the
condoms, then returned to the bed.

John was still sprawled in the same place, too spent to move. His
eyelids were heavy and Luka knew that John would soon be asleep. He
helped John to his side of the bed, then curled himself around John's
body as he pulled the covers up over the both of them.

"JA ljubav te," Luka said. "I love you."

"JA ljubav te," John sleepily repeated. "I can learn that easily
enough."

"Just watch when and where you say those other things. I don't want
to see you getting slapped or taken advantage of," Luka warned.

"You shouldn't teach me phrases and not tell me what they mean, you
know. How am I supposed to know what I'm saying?" John asked with a
smile.

"You know what you said," Luka kissed his cheek. "Don't try to
pretend any different."

"I think I know what I said, but I don't know for sure."

"Then what did you think you said to me?" Luka's fingers were
lazily drawing patterns over John's chest and stomach.

"You know," John didn't want to actually say those things out loud.
He knew that his grandmother would be mortified if she thought he was
capable of saying those things. He had been brought up better than that.

Luka chuckled. "You'll never change, will you? Sometimes, talking
dirty can be a real turn-on."

"Did it turn you on?"

"Most definitely. I would love to hear you saying those things to me
more often."

John smiled. "I'll try to remember them then."

Luka's hand had now wandered up to John's neck and he was playing
with the chain and cross. "You look stunning wearing only this."

"You need to have your eyes checked," John flippantly replied.

"Would you stop that?" Luka didn't try to hide the hurt and
exasperation in his voice. "Why do you keep putting yourself down?
And me, too, for that matter? Every time you denigrate yourself,
you make me look like a fool for loving you. I am not a fool, John.
Don't ever think that."

"I didn't mean that and you know it. I'm sorry."

Luka could tell by the look in John's eyes that he sincerely meant
that apology. "I'm sorry for being so thinned skin about it. I know
that you can't help it if you have a typical American hang-up about
your body. It's the fault of your Puritanical upbringing."

John's eyes flashed and Luka knew he had said something wrong. "I
get tired of having you put down America, you know. Our beer isn't
as good, our higher education system cheats everyone, we're uptight,
we're too liberal, we're not liberal enough. We complain too much,
we accept too much without question. We're a baby country and have
no history. Well, if America is that bad, then why in the Hell did
you come here?"

"Whoa! I give up. I'm sorry this time. You're right, I'm too
critical of your country. Of my new country. I do make unfair
comparisons between Croatia and the rest of Europe and here. I
shouldn't. I'm very glad that I came to America because I found
you. I would never change that, John."

"Tell me again that you love me. In Croatian."

"JA ljubav te. JA potreba te," Luka firmly said, his hazel eyes
locked on John's brown ones. "I love you. I need you."

"I need you, too. Don't ever leave me, Luka. Promise me that
you'll never leave me." John wrapped his arms around Luka, holding
him tight.

"I promise. I'll never leave you." Luka assured him right before
kissing him with all his heart.

They lay there quietly, just holding each other. After a few
minutes, Luka could feel the even rhythm of John's breathing and
he knew he was asleep. He was ready to go back to sleep himself,
but a rumbling from his stomach reminded him that he had another
hunger that needed to be sated. He carefully got out of bed, not
wanting to awaken John. Then he hurried into the kitchen to have
a quick bite to eat. Five minutes later he was back in bed with
John, holding him close once more. If only he didn't have to go to
work later, he thought, then the day would be truly perfect.


Translations (for those who weren't able to figure out what they
were saying to each other):

jebes mene
Screw me

OR

jebi me


volim te
I love you

trebam te
I need you

posisaj s mene
Suck me off

Or

sisaj me

A persistent whimpering slipped into Luka's consciousness. As
he slowly awakened, he became aware of John's body next to his:
warm and naked. He smiled as he remembered their lovemaking,
but his smile quickly faded as he heard John cry out in his
sleep. Luka opened his eyes as he pulled John closer.

"John? Wake up. It's just a bad dream." Luka gently shook
John's shoulders, trying to wake him up as carefully as possible.

John's eyes flew open, and he gazed at Luka with horror and
confusion in his eyes; the same look that had been in them when
he awoke in the trauma room. It was obvious that he was still
in the throes of his nightmare, and Luka began to speak softly
to him, knowing that it didn't matter what he said, as long as
he kept his voice soft and gentle. "It's okay, John. I'm here
and you're safe. You're safe now. It's all right."

John slowly blinked, then recognition returned to his eyes.
"Luka?" he shakily asked.

"I'm here. You're safe now, John. You were having a bad dream,
but it's over."

John shook his head, then grimaced. "My back is killing me."

"You should take something for it. Wait here and I'll get your
medicine." Luka got out of bed and went to the kitchen for a
glass of water and a pain tablet for John.

When he returned, John once again shook his head. "I don't
want to take anything."

"John, if you're in this much pain, then you should take
something."

"No."

"Okay," Luka said, although he wasn't really giving in.
Millicent's advice on how to handle John had included letting
John think he was getting his way when he was being obstinate,
then slowly manipulating him to do what you really wanted him
to do. "I won't make you take anything. But, I can't help
but feel guilty for hurting you this way."

"You didn't hurt me," John said, a look of confusion on his
face. Why was Luka backing down about the pill? He never
did that.

"But, I did. When you returned from your doctor appointment,
you weren't hurting. Now you are. I have no choice except to
think that our having sex is what put you in pain. Obviously,
your green light was given too early."

"No," John quickly replied. "It wasn't. My back was hurting a
little earlier, I just didn't want to say anything about it. I
was afraid that you'd decide we couldn't have sex if my back
was hurting."

"I might have. But, I might have just suggested that you take
something for the pain and then had my way with you," Luka said
with a suggestive grin. "I have two hours and thirty minutes
before I have to be at work. If you weren't in any pain, then
we might find a very satisfying way to spend that time. But,
since you are in pain and refuse to take anything to stop it..."
Luka let his voice trail off, his eyes on John's face. John
was clearly thinking about what Luka had said and what he had
implied. Not that Luka had any intention of repeating what
they had done earlier. Not with John's back acting up. But,
he could think of some other things they could do, things that
wouldn't bother John's back at all.

Just thinking about what they could do was making Luka hard,
and it didn't take long for John to notice that. His eyes were
on Luka's erection as he nodded. "Okay. You're right. I'll
take the pill."

Luka handed the pill and glass to John, smiling as John swallowed
the medicine and drank all the water, then gave the glass back
to him. Luka put the glass on the nightstand, then crawled back
into bed, pressing his body against John's. His hands roved
over John's body, caressing his erection briefly, then moving
to other areas. "I'm not going to get quite as physical as I
was earlier, but I do intend to make love to you, John," he
whispered into John's ear shortly before he began to slowly
suck John's ear lobe.

"JA ljubav te." Luka kissed his way down John's neck.

"JA potreba te." Luka's tongue lightly ran the length of John's
collarbone before heading down the middle of his chest.

"Ti si zrak JA disati." Luka kissed John's hip, then planted
kisses across his belly until he reached the other hip, lightly
nipping it with his teeth.

"Ti si moj srcem i dušom." Luka placed his lips on the shaft
of John's penis, sucking gently.

"JA volja ljubav te zauvijek." Luka drew John into his mouth,
tickling his member with his tongue as his hands traced circles
on the softness of John's inner thighs.

John whimpered, but there was no pain behind the sound this time.
No fear. No confusion. Just an aching need that only Luka
could fill. He struggled to remember the words Luka had taught
him earlier. The only ones he could remember were the ones
that meant "I love you", and John knew they were woefully
inadequate for how he felt about Luka. Yes, he loved him. He
needed him. He lived for Luka's touch. Yearned for his smile.
John only felt complete when they were one and he wanted,
needed, for that to happen again.

"JA ljubav te."

Luka smiled around John's erection as he heard him say those
words with such passion in his voice. Selfishly, he changed
his plans, knowing that he had to be in John one more time or
he would die. He knew that to be a fact. Ever so gently, he
pursued his goal of pleasing John, then they joined together,
moving in a dance nearly as old as time itself. By the time
Luka left for work, he was already late. But, he didn't care.
Not today. Not when he could go to work with the memory of
John's kisses on his skin.


Luka's elation was short lived. Once at work, he found himself
working non-stop, mostly beside Dave Malucci and Cleo Finch,
both of whom were giving him the cold shoulder. Malucci's
attitude was expected, but Luka wasn't sure why Cleo was cold
toward him. She had not been there when Malucci told people
about him and John being a couple, so Luka had no idea how she
felt about that. Since Benton was a friend and mentor to John,
Luka had figured that Cleo would be non-committal about it at
the least. He certainly had not expected her to behave like this.

Around midnight, there was a lull and Luka sought out Cleo,
wanting to know if he had done something to offend her. He
still wasn't quite used to the nuances of race relations in
the United States, and he wasn't sure he ever would be.
Mistakenly say the wrong thing and you would find yourself
accused of being a racist. Luka wasn't really sure what a
racist was, but he didn't think he was one. He found Cleo in
the suture room, working on charts.

"Got a minute?" he asked from the doorway.

Cleo didn't bother to look up. "I'm busy."

"Too busy to give me even a minute of your time? I promise it
won't take longer than that," he said with a sincere smile.

Cleo sighed and looked up at him, her pen clenched tightly in
her hand, the look on her face sour. "One minute."

Luka stepped into the room, waiting until the door had closed
behind him before speaking. "Have I done something to offend
you? You've seemed upset with me all night."

"You're carrying on an affair with another man, Doctor Kovac.
Isn't that more than enough to offend other people? It's bad
enough that you and Carter are...well, you know, but to advertise
the fact is reprehensible. People like you make me sick."

"Why should the gender of who I sleep with matter to you?"

"Because it's wrong, that's why. The Bible is very clear on
that. You come across as a good Catholic, but you must not
have been paying much attention during Mass or you would know
that what you're doing is a sin against God and nature."

"So much for being non-judgmental, hmm? I'm sorry if my life
offends you, Cleo. But, I'm not going to give up the man I
love just because you're suddenly righteous. The Bible also
is very clear about a man and woman engaging in sex outside of
marriage, but that hasn't stopped you from being with Benton,
has it? Is one sin more heinous than another?"

"Yes, when the sin in question is an abomination. Your minute
is up, I need to get back to work." She turned her attention
back to the chart in front of her, summarily dismissing him.

Luka shook his head and left the room. One thing he couldn't
quite understand about Americans was their ability to pick and
chose which of the Ten Commandments they wanted to follow, or
which of the other laws and "thou shalt nots" they wanted to
heed. Feeling the need for fresh air, Luka headed to the roof.
He was saddened to find that Cleo felt that way. While Malucci's
opinion didn't matter to him, Cleo's had. Or maybe it was more
a case of he hated finding out that yet another person was
against his and John's happiness. Couldn't they see the love
there? Was it so wrong for him and John to be in love with each
other? Not in his heart and soul it wasn't.

Luka reached the roof and headed for the railing, resting his
elbows on the edge and staring out over Chicago. From the
street, looking out in this direction was uninspiring, giving
him nothing but a dirty view of a bad part of the city. From
up here, it was easy to believe that people weren't down below
hurting each other. Hurting themselves. Hating each other and
hating themselves. He felt that most Americans didn't appreciate
just how free they were. While it was true that many groups
didn't get along and there was racial and cultural hatred all
around, it wasn't so bad as to bring them to war. Not like
back home where a person would be executed in the street for
the crime of being a Croatian or a Muslim. But, America was
still a young country. Who knew what would happen in a few
more hundred years? After all, the hatreds between the Serbs
and Croats spanned back further than that. If there was anyone
who knew or cared about what began the hatred, it would surprise
him. But, not knowing why they hated each other didn't keep
them from hating. And killing.

But, he and Marija had overcome that. When they looked at each
other they never saw Serb and Croat, or Orthodox and Catholic.
They simply saw first a girl and boy who liked each other, and
later, a woman and man who loved each other. And in their
immediate world, all was well. It took a narrow-minded, hate
filled person to shatter that world. To make Luka suffer, as
one of his neighbors had said, for the sin of loving a woman
who was the wrong nationality. For loving Marija. If he had
never loved her, then she would still be alive now. He sighed,
knowing that it also meant that he would not have had his
children, even for such a short time. He wouldn't trade those
memories for anything in the world. He and Marija had a good
love and a good life. They created beautiful and delightful
children, full of promise. But, that was gone now, with only
photographs to remind him of all he had lost. John had never
asked for Luka to remove the photos of his wife and children,
but one afternoon while John was napping, Luka had done that.
It wasn't fair to make John look at them. Perhaps cause him
to wonder if he was just second best in Luka's heart. Luka
wanted him to know that he was first, now and always. You
couldn't stay in love with a corpse, no matter how fulfilling
that love had been.

Luka smiled as he remembered the day with John. It had been nice
to once more be fully intimate with John. He had not missed
Marija since the moment his and John's lips met for the first
time. It might not have been like that if he had decided to
pursue Carol Hathaway. It had been her resemblance to Marija
that had attracted him to her in the first place, but the
resemblance was only physical in nature. While Carol was a nice
person, she wasn't the generous and giving soul that Marija had
been. John was. And Luka fully enjoyed John's nature.

Luka tensed as he heard footsteps behind him. He turned his
head and saw Peter Benton approaching him.

"I didn't know you were working tonight," Luka said.

"I'm not. My shift ended at midnight. I saw Carter today.
He's getting better, but he still has a long way to go before
he'll be one hundred percent well."

"I know. It's been difficult for him."

"Yeah. It has. He's been pushing himself, and that can do him
more harm than good."

"I keep trying to tell him that."

"Do you?" Benton's voice was sharp and Luka looked up, wondering
what was behind this?

"Yes, I do. I don't want him back in the hospital."

"I just bet you don't. He's only pushing himself for your
benefit. Carter's like that, you know. He'll do anything to
please someone, to have someone tell him that they care about
him."

"Just what are you implying?" Luka turned to fully face Benton.

"I'm not implying anything. I think that you managed to catch
Carter at a low point in his life and you took full advantage of
that. You made him care about you and your opinions, now he'll
do anything to keep from having you think badly of him."

"I didn't "make" John care about me. He did that all on his own,
thank you very much," Luka didn't like this conversation any more
than he had liked the one with Cleo Finch. "I never took
advantage of John in any way."

"He never exhibited an interest in men until you came along.
Look, I just want you to know that just because he's getting
better, you shouldn't let him get too carried away with things."

"Things? Are you talking about sex, Benton?"

"Yes," Peter could feel his cheeks growing warm as he admitted that.
He didn't know what to make of Luka Kovac and Carter's relationship
with the man. It had bothered him when Carter was in the hospital
and Kovac would sleep in the bed with him. But, Anspaugh had let
it go, saying that at least Carter was getting some sleep that
way and that was all that mattered. Peter didn't quite agree
with that. He could remember how eager Carter had been to make
him like him years ago. How hard he had worked for Peter's
approval. He would approach his relationship with Kovac the same
way, Peter was sure of it. What Peter wasn't sure about was
whether or not Luka Kovac was worthy of that type of attention.
He had overheard Carter today as he asked if he could resume his
sex life. That had to be an idea of Kovac's.

"You're jealous." Luka finally said. He had been so blind to not
see it before. The sidelong looks that Benton had sent his way,
the way the man hovered over John, even when Luka was present.
Benton was jealous of him. But, in which way? As a friend who
felt excluded? As a potential lover? At least he didn't have to
think about Benton being an old lover of John's.

"I am not jealous. I just care about Carter. I don't know
if you're what he needs right now, or ever, for that matter."

"And just what do you think he needs right now?" Luka tersely asked.

"He needs someone to be there for him. Someone to support him
as he gets better. He doesn't need someone putting pressure on
him to perform in any way. Someone patient. Someone who loves
him and doesn't want to see him hurt again."

"Sounds like me, Benton. I love John very much, and he loves me.
I've done all I can to make sure he doesn't overdo things, and
resuming our sexual relationship was something he pursued today,
not me. His doctor said it was all right and that it wouldn't
harm him. That's good enough for me, it should be good enough
for you."

Peter shook his head. He didn't like to think of John Carter
being involved in a relationship with another man. And it was
beginning to look like he would have to find some way to get Carter
away from Kovac. He would definitely have to talk with Carter in
the morning, when Kovac wasn't around to interfere. "It's not
good enough, Kovac, because you're not good enough for him."

"And who the Hell made you the judge of that? His parents approve
of our relationship, his grandmother even approves. Who are you
to decide this for John?"

"I'm someone who cares about making sure that he isn't hurt by
you or anyone else. He's been hurt enough already. More than
enough."

"You don't know me well enough to make that kind of judgement
about me," Luka snapped.

"I've watched you at work. I've seen how you behave and react.
You are not what he needs. I'll find a way to make him see that."

"Don't even think about trying anything stupid like that, Benton.
If you try to break us up then I'll kill you. John is the best
thing that's ever happened to me and I won't let him go or stand
by while someone else tries to take him from me."

"Listen to yourself, Kovac," Peter didn't even try to keep his
voice down, "talking about someone "taking him from you" as if he's
a possession. Carter is a human being and not your property.
You don't own him."

"And neither do you. And that's what you can't stand, isn't it?
He's with me, and not with you. You, the one who taught him for
so many years. What? Did you think that if anyone should ever
have a chance with him, it should be you? You had your chances
to go after him and you let them pass you by. If you care about
him like you say you do, then you should be glad that he's happy
with me."

Peter shook his head. "I'm not in love with Carter and you know
it. It's just easier for you to bring sex into the picture than
to admit that Carter is desperate for someone to love him as he
is. He certainly never got that from his family, I've known him
long enough to know that."

"You say that like John doesn't have a will of his own, or that
he's weak. John is anything but weak, Benton. Don't ever think
that he's weak."

"I don't. I just think he's easily led astray when someone
claims to care about him."

"I don't just claim it. I do care about him. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I've got to get back to work." Luka headed for the
door, but he stopped halfway there and turned around to look
back at Benton. "I meant what I said. You had better stay away
from John. I will not allow you to take him from me." Then
Luka stalked off, his anger still simmering beneath the surface.
While Benton didn't come right out and say he was against John
being with another man, his words bothered Luka more than
anyone else's had. If any single person had the power and
influence to make John think twice about their relationship,
it was Peter Benton. Damn him.



As Peter went home, he thought about going to see Carter right
then. But, it was late and he knew that Carter would be asleep.
Then he remembered that by the time he could get over to see
Carter the next day, Kovac would also be home. He was going to
have to wait until Kovac ended up on a day shift so that he
could have a chance to speak with Carter alone. He needed to
find out if Carter was just infatuated with the guy or really in
love with him. If the former, then he was determined to get him
away from Kovac. Carter had been through a lot in such a short
time. And when one looked at all the stressful and horrible
things that had happened to him prior to the attack, well, it
didn't seem fair for one person to have to carry so much. If
nothing else, Carter deserved to be happy now. He had suffered
enough. More than enough. And, if he was wrong and Kovac was
the person that made Carter happy, then Peter was willing to put
aside his animosity and accept that. But, he was sure that Kovac
was not the right person.



For Luka, the days flew by, and he found himself driving home
early one morning anxious about the fact that John was returning
to work that day. Luka had told John that he would drive him to
the hospital. John had replied that he didn't want Luka risking
his life to get home in a hurry and there was no reason why he
couldn't take the El to work, as he had done many times. But,
those times had not been done with him on crutches or in pain.
Luka remembered how people had rudely shoved their way past him
and Carol when he was trying to help her get back to the hospital
while in labor back in November. If they had no consideration
for a woman about to pop, then they wouldn't care about a man on
crutches either. So, Luka had assured John that he would be
home in time to take him to work. Inside, Luka was beginning
to get very irritated at how he was working nothing but nights.
And when he had seen the schedule last night, he saw that for
the upcoming week, he was still working nights. What had he
done to tick off Kerry? Was she secretly punishing him for
being with John? Was Romano making her put him on the night
shifts because of his relationship with John? Or was it just
a coincidence? Luka didn't know and he was afraid to ask.
But, it was making him upset, especially now that John would
be working days. Dammitt, he wanted to be there for John,
both at work and at home. As Malucci would say, the situation
sucked.

When Luka entered the apartment, he found John in the living
room, dressed and ready for work. John smiled, then looked
up at him, expecting a "good morning" kiss. What he got was
a lot more passionate than "good morning".

"Wow. What brought that on?" John asked with a grin.

Luka dropped to the cushion beside him. "I was wondering if
I could make you change your mind about returning to work today."

John slowly shook his head. "It's time for me to go back. I'm
going crazy just sitting around here all day."

"But, are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be. I know that today will be rough. I
can handle rough, though. I don't break easy, Luka."

Luka reached out to softly stroke John's cheek. "No, you don't.
Well, are you ready to go?"

"I can take the El, Luka. There's no reason for you to drive
me. You're tired and need to get to sleep."

"I'm not that tired, John. I'll let you take the El home, but
today, I will drive you to work." Luka stood, then waited while
John slowly got to his feet. It was Luka's biased opinion that
John wasn't physically ready to work in the E.R., but since
Anspaugh had thought otherwise, Luka couldn't convince John to
stay home. As for John's mental and emotional state, well,
Luka wasn't sure how John would handle the day. From his own
experience, he knew that going back to work would be emotionally
draining for John, especially if he had to go into Curtain Three
for any reason. But, avoiding the place wouldn't solve anything.
And, being home didn't mean that John's thoughts never strayed
to Valentine's Day. In fact, being at work, where the constant
stream of patients would distract him, was probably better for
John than sitting home alone all day.

"Let's go," John led the way out the door and Luka had no choice
but to follow him.


As John made his way to the ambulance bay, he knew that Luka
was watching him. It wasn't until he was halfway into the E.R.
that he heard the car drive away. That should have made him
relax, but it didn't. Haleh greeted him warmly and he found
himself looking down as he answered her. Why was it so hard to
come back? Nothing had happened here. It had happened in
another room. John had never felt this unsettled about work
before. Not even the first time he had walked into this E.R.
as a medical student. God, that had been an eternity ago, he
thought.

John made it through signing in, talking with Peter Benton and
being startled by Deb Chen. The last thing bothered him. Why
would he jump just because someone touched him? Luka touched
him all the time and he never jumped. Then again, Luka didn't
touch him here at work. Somehow, John made it through the day.
There had been some painful moments, like when he went to
intubate a patient and felt that familiar sharp and intense
pain as he bent to do so. Raising the table took care of that
problem. There had been some awkward moments, too, such as
when Kerry Weaver stopped by to talk to him as he was signing
charts near the end of his shift. He had purposely sought out
a desk in the hallway, but he never did manage to bring himself
to look into Curtain Three whenever people opened the door.

And there had been some tense moments, like when he first found
himself alone in the lounge with Dave Malucci. John remembered
Abby telling him that Dave had not been understanding about him
and Luka, so he wasn't sure what to expect. Certainly not the
smile and clap on the shoulder, the words welcoming him back.
The joking about it now being time for him to pull a few extra
shifts for Dave since he had been one of the people covering for
him. But, no ugliness, no hateful words. Had Abby and Luka
been wrong then? Everyone was nice to him, just as they had
always been, and that made the day go by a little easier.

Kerry had been considerate and thoughtful as she grilled him.
Was he in a lot of pain? No, he lied. He lied to all of her
questions. He didn't want to talk about pain management --
his back would get better soon. It had to. He didn't want
to talk about seeing a therapist or getting support from his
family. He had seen his Gamma the other day, and he saw Luka
all the time. He didn't need the rest of his family around
in order to feel he was being supported. His parents called
on a regular basis and that was enough for him.

Still, when it was time to leave, he found himself telling
Luka that he was going to visit his Gamma and didn't know when
he would be home. Luka had simply nodded, then sneaked a quick
kiss before telling him to have a good visit. No warning to be
careful or to not stay out too late. So, John had hailed a
taxi and soon found himself seated in his Gamma's kitchen as
she reheated soup. They had a good visit and he didn't even
put up a fight when she insisted on having him driven home.
With her, he had been able to put his feelings into words about
the day -- he had been afraid. Afraid of what, he didn't know.
But, that was the gist of it. He had been afraid. It had felt
good though when she told him that she realized he was meant
to be a doctor after all. Now, if only she could make grandfather
see that, he would be a happier man.

And yet, despite the grueling day and the late supper, when John
finally got into bed, he found himself staring at the ceiling.
An all too common sight for him most nights. He had tried so
many different tactics for getting some sleep, but nothing
worked. Or, if he was lucky and found relief one night, it
wouldn't work the next. Every morning, when Luka would come
home, John would do his best to pretend that he was just waking
up, but he wasn't. He was still wide-awake. And that wouldn't
do him any good now that he was back to work. Not any good at
all. And so he spent his night watching the ceiling, not moving
until he heard Luka's key in the door. It was time to get to
work again. John closed his eyes and willed himself to get out
of bed. Willed himself to face a day without Luka there to
help him. A new day to have to pass Curtain Three and force
himself to not think about what happened there. A new day to
try to ignore the pain in his back as he tried to help those
in even more pain. Maybe it was a good thing that he couldn't
sleep, he thought, because it would be all too easy to spend
his time hoping that he simply wouldn't wake up the next
morning. And that thought scared him more than anything else.

So, John forced himself out of bed. But, when he kissed Luka
hello, he found himself too tempted to pull Luka back into their
bed. Their lovemaking was rushed, but satisfying, and it gave
John enough of a boost to convince himself that he could make
it through another day. They showered together, then John put
Luka to bed and quietly left the apartment, taking the crowded
El to work. If he kept telling himself that he would be all
right, then sooner or later, it would happen. Right?


Translations:

JA ljubav te
I love you

JA potreba te
I need you

Uzeti mene, Ja sam tvoj
Take me, I am yours

Ti si zrak JA disati
You are the air I breathe

Ti si moj srcem i dušom
You are my heart and soul.

JA volja ljubav te zauvijek
I will love you forever

John didn't know what to think. Or even if he could think. His
brow furrowed, he tried once more to pinpoint just how he got
to this place -- the point of being escorted to a drug rehab
hundreds of miles away from home. But, he couldn't. He didn't
know just when it had been when he had crossed that line from
physically needing his medication to actually wanting it, needing
it to just get through the day. Hell, pretty much said that to
Mark earlier in the day, hadn't he? Told him that he needed more
and more pain medication just to function. It had certainly been
true today. Especially after that man had kicked him off the
exam table. He was still sore from that and he vaguely wondered
if he should have had someone examine him earlier. It might not
have been a bad idea. But, then again, earlier, everyone was
busy. Mark and Kerry were busy with Abby and her tales of seeing
him injecting himself with stolen Fentanyl. Malucci had been
busy with his screw guy. Or was it screwed guy? With a smile,
John realized he wasn't quite sure how that would be phrased.
While it was possible to screw someone, was it possible to
unscrew a person? Luka was tied...shit. Luka. John's stomach
did a small flip as he thought about Luka. Benton had put him
in the van and driven directly to the airport, never stopping to
call anyone. Luka would go home and not know where he was. For
that matter, no one knew that Benton had gotten on the plane
with him.

Peter felt John staring at him. "What's wrong?"

"You didn't call anyone, did you? About coming with me? They
don't know?"

Peter grimaced and shook his head. "I was too worried about
making the flight on time. I'll call Kerry when we land at
Dulles." Mark had not been able to book a non-stop flight for
Carter; instead, they would have to switch planes in Washington,
and wait for about an hour or so. When Peter heard that bit of
information, he was doubly glad he had decided to fly to Atlanta
with Carter. What had Mark and Kerry been thinking to send him
off alone? Or had they been in shock over the situation and
unable to think clearly?

"Luka. What will I tell Luka?" John softly asked.

"I don't see where you owe him any explanation, Carter," Peter
snapped. He immediately regretted it as John raised his sorrow
filled eyes and looked back at him.

"Why would you say that? I live with Luka; I can't just take off
and not tell him why. He cares too much about me for me to treat
him that way."

"Yeah, sure," Peter scoffed. "If he cared so much about you, then
why didn't he see that you were in trouble?"

"Why didn't you?" John's voice soft once more.

That comment stung. Why hadn't he noticed, Peter asked himself.
Why hadn't any of them noticed? Was he being unfair to blame
Luka Kovac for not seeing what was happening to Carter? He
didn't really think so. Kovac saw what he wanted to see, and
after today, Peter didn't really care if the man continued to
work at county. He couldn't understand why Carter had gotten
mixed up with him in the first place.

"You've never liked Luka." John turned his head to look back
out the window, not that he could really see anything below.
It was too dark for that. But, he could keep his eyes on the
moon and the stars. Not think about how he would tell Luka
where he was going and why. Not have to think about how
disappointed Luka would be.

"That's not entirely true. He's a good doctor, when he's
thinking like a doctor. I could do without him acting the way
he did today."

John looked back at Peter, wondering what he was talking about.
"You've lost me."

"At the school, he decided to save the boy and the Hell with the
more seriously injured gunman. At the time, we didn't know the
bullet had migrated to the boy's heart. Kovac simply didn't want
to put any effort into saving a "bad person". He has a habit of
making decisions like that."

Seeing as he had made a similar type decision a few years back,
John decided to not say anything. He knew in his head that the
rules of triage stated that the more seriously injured were treated
first. But, it was often difficult to make the heart listen to
the head. Instead of getting into an ethics discussion with his
old mentor, John decided to stay on track. "You didn't like Luka
before today. You used to like him. I remember when he saved
that little girl -- the one from the hit and run, remember? You
told me that he had done the right thing by bringing her to the
hospital himself. You liked him then."

"Yeah, well. That was before." Peter shifted in his seat,
suddenly uncomfortable in the small space.

"Before what?"

"Before I knew he was with you. Or you were with him. However
you want to phrase it."

"So, you don't like Luka because he's bi?"

"No. That has nothing to do with it. I don't give a damn who
he likes to be with."

John shook his head. "Then I don't get it. If it's not because
you're homophobic, then why did you stop liking him?"

"It's because he's with you, all right?" Peter frowned, not sure how
Carter would react to that bit of information. Would he take it the
wrong way? Think that he was in love with him or something like that?
Hell, he had thought about that himself, ever since Kovac had accused
him of being jealous. But, he wasn't. He loved Carter; there was
no doubt in his mind about that. If he didn't love him, then he
wouldn't be sitting here on the plane with him. But, he wasn't in
love with him. He wasn't in love with anyone right now. He liked
Cleo a lot, and he enjoyed being with her, but there wasn't any
love there. Not yet anyway.

"You've lost me again. Why would that upset you?" John quietly
asked.

"Because I think he's using you. He approached you at a time when
you were vulnerable and I'm sure that he's going to toss you aside
the minute he gets tired of you. And then where will you be? You
will have spent all this time having him fuck with your mind,
messing you up, and then just dropped."

John was shaking his head. "You don't understand him. He loves
me, and I love him. If it weren't for Luka, then I wouldn't even
be here right now. He's the only thing that's kept me going these
few months. The only thing that's kept me somewhat sane. And
believe me, if he was going to just toss me aside after using me
up, then he certainly would have done so by now. I'm not a prize.
Never have been and certainly won't ever be. And he's put up with
my shit lately. No, you're wrong. Luka makes me happy, keeps me
grounded. He loves me without reservation and he doesn't ask
anything in return. It's enough for him to love me. But, I do
love him back, and I've tried to let him know that. If I left
him, then it would destroy him."

"That's what he wants you to think."

"That's the truth. I see it when I look in his eyes. I hear it
when he cries out in his sleep from his nightmares. Hell, I'm not
the only one who's been through Hell. He's had more than his share
of pain and grief." John placed his hand on Peter's arm. "I know
that you're trying to be a good friend, and I appreciate that, but
you need to keep an open mind when you look at Luka. See how he
treats me, how he looks at me. He loves me. If I don't know
anything else to be sure and certain in my life right now, I do
know that much. Luka loves me."

"I hope you're right, for your own sake. Because if he hurts you,
then I'll...well, I don't know what I'll do. But, it won't be
pretty."

"He won't hurt me," John let go of Peter's arm, then turned to
look back out the window, trying to figure out what he would tell
Luka when he called him. He didn't need the extra worry about
Benton not liking Luka, or not believing that Luka loved him. Why
was it that whenever he found something good, everyone else wanted
to take it away from him?



Luka sat on a bench in the train station, too weary to stand. He
had no idea why John had left work early. All Frank could tell
him was that John had left early, not exactly when or why. He had
been so caught up in the events of the day that he hadn't spared
any time for John and he wondered if that had made him upset.
Upset enough to leave without saying goodbye? Luka shook his head.
He didn't think so. He ran his hands over his face, wondering if
the day could get any worse.

"Luka?"

Luka looked up into the worried face of Mark Greene. "Mark."

"Did Kerry catch you before you left?" Mark asked as he sat down.

"I didn't see Kerry. I was in too much of a hurry to get out. Why?
Did she want me to work a double?" Or give me a lecture about proper
triage, he thought.

"No." Mark leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and
clasping his hands together. He had not wanted to be the one to
have to tell Luka about Carter. Especially if it turned out that
Luka had known all along about Carter's drug abuse. That had been
his and Kerry's main reason for not including Luka in the
intervention. The fact they couldn't be sure that Luka didn't
know. Hadn't seen it. Had maybe even facilitated it?

"What is it?"

"It's Carter."

Luka suddenly sat up straight, his stomach cold with fear. "What's
wrong with John? Does this have to do with why he left work early?
Where is he?"

"Calm down, Luka," Mark said, turning to face the other man and
immediately taking in how upset Luka was.

Luka swallowed hard. Mark didn't call him by his Christian name.
He was always Kovac or Doctor Kovac. Never Luka. This was bad.
He searched his mind, looking for a clue and finally remembering
someone -- was it Haleh -- telling him that John had been kicked
off an exam table earlier in the day. At the time, he had said
he was fine, but what if he had been wrong? John was hurt. Dear
God. John was hurt. But, if he was hurt, then why did Frank tell
him that John left early? Confusion replaced the fear in Luka's
eyes as he looked at Mark, waiting for a more thorough explanation.

"Luka, today, Abby...Hell, there's no easy way to say this. Carter
is on his way to Atlanta to check into a drug rehab clinic."

Luka stared mutely at Mark, the words not quite registering. "What?"
he shook his head. "You're wrong. John's at home. He..."

"Earlier today, Abby saw him injecting Fentanyl into his wrist after
treating a patient. We confronted him about it and he denied taking
the Fentanyl, but he did admit to me that he was using a lot of his
pain medication in order to function every day." Mark continued,
even though Luka was shaking his head and repeating one word over
and over again, 'no'. "Luka, he's been misusing his prescribed pain
medication and possibly abusing other narcotics as well. I think
we caught this in time, before he got too seriously addicted."

There was no doubt in Mark's mind about whether or not Luka had
been aware of Carter's drug use. He obviously had not.

"I have to go to him. You said he was going to Atlanta, right?"

Mark glanced at his watch. If Peter had managed to get Carter on
the plane, then Carter would have left thirty minutes ago. "Yes,
but his flight is already in the air. That is, if Peter convinced
him to get on the plane. When I left he hospital, we still hadn't
heard from him about that."

"Benton was just going to put him on a plane by himself? That's
stupid. What if John has pills on him? What's to stop him from
overdosing on the way to Atlanta?"

Luka had been unfortunate enough to have been working at a hospital
where one of the doctors had done something similar. It was an
intern who had become addicted to the drugs he felt he needed to
take in order to stay alert while on the job. They had run an
intervention, and made the mistake of letting him go home to pack.
Two hours later the paramedics brought him back to the hospital,
the victim of a self-ingested drug overdose. One he didn't
survive. The staff that had been involved in the intervention
caught Hell for that -- for leaving him alone. Luka remembered
that much.

"I don't think that Carter is suicidal."

"And did you think he was using drugs before today? Did you?"
Luka shouted, jumping to his feet and restlessly pacing back and
forth in front of the bench. "I never saw it. Never."

Mark shook his head, beginning to see Luka's point.

"What's the name of the clinic?" Luka asked.

Mark told him. "Are you going to Atlanta?"

"Yes. I'm going to pack some clothes for John, then I'll go to
the airport to catch the next flight out. I don't know when I'll
be back. Tell Kerry for me."

"I will."

A train rumbled to a stop, the one that Luka had been waiting on,
and he got on, absorbed in his own thoughts. How could he have
been so blind as to not know what was happening with John? Then
it hit him hard -- all the times he had urged John to take his
pain medication. Nights when he thought John needed it but John
didn't want to take anything. Was this his fault after all?
Was he ultimately responsible for turning John into a drug addict?



Luka was nervously pacing in front of the American Airlines gate.
He had been lucky, very lucky indeed, when he made his flight
reservation. Someone had cancelled and he was able to get a seat
on a non-stop flight to Atlanta. So, now he was there before John,
even though he had taken the time to go home and pack. Luka could
see the plane pulling up and he took a deep breath, not knowing
what he was going to say when he saw John. It was going to be
bad enough that Benton would be there, but he could ignore him.
The only thing that mattered, the only thing that had ever mattered,
was getting John healthy and whole again. Luka had done a lot of
thinking on the flight, and he had come to the conclusion that no
matter what, he would not leave Atlanta without John. He would
find a cheap motel room and stay there to be near him. But, he
would not leave him alone. He had done too much of that since
the stabbing. True, it had not all been his doing -- he couldn't
help the shifts he was assigned to work, but the end result was
still the same. He had not been there for John, not been there
to keep him from falling apart. That wouldn't happen again,
this Luka vowed.


The rest of the passengers were off the plane when Peter finally
got to his feet, grabbing Carter's bag out of the overhead
compartment. "Ready?"

"Do I have a choice?" John was only half joking as he painfully
got to his feet.

"I'm here with you, man. I won't leave until you're settled into
the clinic."

"I know. Thank you. I want to stop at a pay phone." John had
tried to call Luka from Dulles, but there had been no answer. Had
he been ignoring the ringing of the telephone because he was upset
with him? Had he worked a double shift? John had no idea. What
if Benton was right, and Luka had only been using him. And now
he knew from Kerry or Mark about the drugs and was through with
him? God, he couldn't bear that. Still, he needed to hear Luka's
voice, even if Luka were angry over what he had to tell him.
Even if Luka was going to tell him that it was over between them.

"That won't be a problem."

They stepped into the terminal and John almost ran into Peter when
the other man stopped suddenly. "What?" Then he saw him. Luka.
Standing there and looking lost.

Luka walked over to them and immediately enveloped John in a hug,
holding him tight. "Mark told me," was all Luka said, then he
realized that John was crying. "It's going to be all right, John.
Shhh." Luka gently caressed the back of John's head, then he
took a few steps over to the chairs and sat down, pulling John
onto his lap, still holding him. "I'm not going to leave you
alone. It will be all right. Ja sam ovdje zatim."

Peter stood there, feeling awkward as he watched Luka comfort
John. Then he felt even worse as he realized that Luka was also
crying. The love that Luka had for John was apparent in his eyes,
the tone of his voice and the tender way he was holding him. Maybe
he had been wrong about doubting that love. He looked down the
concourse, glad that it was too late at night, or too early in
the morning, depending on your point of view, for there to be a
lot of travelers out and about. Luka was speaking softly to
John, but Peter didn't recognize the words. He figured that
Luka was speaking Croatian. The words were strange in Peter's
ears, but they seemed to work on calming John.

"Ti si nije sam. Ja sam jalostan. JA ljubav te." Luka had said.

The last sentence was repeated over and over and Peter was pretty
sure he knew the meaning of the words, especially when he thought
he heard John whisper them as well. Peter shifted on his feet,
uneasy as he knew that there was no maybe about the fact he had
been wrong about Luka's feelings for John. He didn't look back
at the couple until he heard Luka say something to him.

"I'm sorry, I missed what you said," Peter said as he looked at
them.

Luka was moving around in the chairs until his back was in a
corner and he could cradle John's head in his lap. "He's asleep."

Peter nodded, and went to sit down behind Luka, putting John's
carryall bag in an empty seat. "You seem to have that effect on
him. He needed to sleep."

"I haven't had that effect on him for a long time now. He hasn't
been sleeping much these past weeks. I haven't been much good to
him at all. Looks like you were right about that."

"No, I wasn't. He needs you and you've been there for him." Peter
didn't want to think about the underlying meaning in John's words
when he had told him that if it wasn't for Luka being there, then
he wouldn't be here now.

Luka shook his head as he idly stroked John's hair. "I should have
been around more. Then I would have seen this happening and
stopped it before it got too far. I've been working countless
shifts with lousy hours and that kept me away from him."

"You can't be held responsible for your schedule. Those of us
who worked with John every day never saw this happening."

"I should have seen it. Hell, maybe I'm even responsible for it,
yes?"

"No."

Their eyes locked for a moment, then Luka looked away. "I think
yes."

Neither spoke for a few minutes after that. Peter didn't know
what he could say to make Luka think otherwise, and Luka wasn't
interested in anything Peter had to say. He had already heard
Peter's opinion of him and his feelings for John. He was not
interested in hearing them again. Besides which, in his own
mind, he knew he was partially to blame.

"Does John have to be at the clinic at a certain time?" Luka
asked.

"No. He was just supposed to go there once he reached Atlanta."

"On his own?"

"That was the plan. It wasn't a good one."

"I'm glad you came with him."

"He didn't need to be alone. I intend to have a long talk with
Mark and Kerry about the travel plans they made for him. And about
the whole intervention itself. I'm not entirely sure that it was
a good idea to have it in Curtain Three."

Luka felt his muscles tense as Peter said that. "They confronted
him in there?"

Peter nodded. "They said that the psychiatrist they spoke with
from the clinic suggested it because it was the place where he
was attacked. The man felt that being there would catch John off
guard. It did. I didn't want to believe Mark and Kerry when
they told me about him. Hell, I'm still finding it hard to
believe. I don't think he's as far along as Kerry seems to feel;
he didn't display any signs of withdrawal on the plane."

"When he first came home from the hospital, he would go for hours
without taking anything for the pain. I would have to practically
force the pills down his throat." Luka's laugh was hollow. "I
was wrong to do that."

"No, you weren't. He was prescribed the pain medication for a
reason. What I don't understand is why he's still in so much
physical pain. Hell, maybe he isn't. It could be psychological."

"I suppose the doctors at the clinic will find out."

"Yes, they work closely with a hospital that's adjacent to them.
They'll take good care of him."

"I'm not leaving him here alone. I'm sure I can find a motel
nearby, and I'll be able to see him."

"I was reading a pamphlet from the clinic, and they do offer
counseling and other services for family and significant others.
I think you fall into that category."

Luka nodded, feeling a little bit more hopeful at hearing that.
"I know that Kerry will be upset with me for staying, but he
needs me here. And I need to be here. Should I wake him up so
we can be on our way?"

"No," Peter shook his head. "Let him sleep. There's no need
to hurry. The clinic isn't going anywhere. The airport is used
to having people sleep in the chairs overnight, so they won't
run us out of here."

"I came through here when I first arrived in the States. I know
most people come through New York or Chicago, but I had to be
different, so I chose Atlanta. I thought it would be the beginning
of something new for me. Something good."

"It can still be that. John will get better and the two of you
will come back to Chicago. We'll still disagree about patients,
but when the arguing is over, you'll go home to John."

"And you? Who do you go home to?"

"Some nights, I go home to my son. Other nights, I just go home.
I'm still looking for someone to love."

"I guess I truly am lucky then." Luka looked down at John,
feeling very lucky that he had someone like John to love. And
even luckier that John loved him back.

"I think we all should try to get some sleep. I don't know how
long it's going to take to get him checked into the clinic."

"You can always go back to Chicago now. There are still flights
available."

Peter shook his head. "I promised John that I would go there
with him, and I will. I don't take my promises lightly."

Luka nodded, a faint smile on his face. "I can see why he
respects you so much."

"I just hope I'm deserving of that respect." Peter stretched
out over the seats and closed his eyes. Soon, he was asleep.

Luka sat there quiet and unmoving, listening to Peter snore. He
had meant it when he had told Peter that he was glad he had come
to Atlanta with John. But, Luka knew that he himself should have
been him on the plane with John. Why did Kerry keep him away
from the intervention? Why didn't she confide in him about their
fears regarding John? Did she suspect that he was responsible
for this happening? As hard as he thought about those questions,
he couldn't find any answers. It was a long time before Luka
fell asleep.


Luka was dimly aware of the melodious sound of John's voice.
It was soothing, and he snuggled closer to John, taking comfort
in the warmth of his body as he wrapped his arms tightly around
him. A sharp cry of pain from John made him open his eyes as
he sat up, and he saw that he was still in the airport, but now
he was the one whose head had been resting in John's lap.

Looking up at John, he could see he was in pain, and John was
tenderly touching his left side.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I was thrown off an exam table yesterday
and I'm still sore from that," John explained.

"Were you examined after that happened?" Peter asked. He was
still seated on the other side, but this was the first he had
heard of John being hurt yesterday. Maybe that explained why
he had injected the Fentanyl.

"No, but I'm okay. Just bruised. So, now that Luka's awake,
shall we go and get this over with?"

Luka could see that John was nervous, but he felt proud that he
was willing to face his problem straight on. Still, he wasn't
as eager to get John checked into the clinic. "How about we grab
some breakfast first? We can rent a car, find a place to eat,
then go and get you checked in. After that, I can bring Peter
back to the airport."

"What about you?"

"I'm not leaving Atlanta without you," Luka firmly said. He
wasn't quite prepared to see the tears welling once again in
John's eyes.

John tightly shut his eyes. He would not cry again. He had
cried enough in the past twenty-four hours to last a lifetime,
first in Peter Benton's arms, then in Luka's. He was running
out of arms. That thought made him giggle, and once he started,
he just couldn't stop. He could tell by the look on Luka's
face that he shouldn't be laughing, but he couldn't help it.

"On second thought, we can skip breakfast," Luka slowly said.
He was afraid that John was falling apart emotionally, and his
fear for John overrode his desire to stay with him as long as
possible. It was past time to get John professional help.

"Come on, let's go see about getting a car," Luka helped John to
his feet. John was doing his best to stop laughing, and he thought
he finally had it under control. "I put our bags in the lockers
downstairs, so we'll need to get them on our way out."

"We can still have breakfast first. If you two are hungry, then
I won't mind."

"I'm not that hungry. I'll see about getting a flight back while
you get the car," Peter told Luka.

Luka nodded and as soon as Peter had stepped away, he gave all of
his attention to John.

"Are you okay now?"

John shook his head, a small smile on his lips. "No. Not really.
I don't know if I'll ever be okay again. But, it helps that you're
here. Let's go get a car." John picked up his carryall and began
to walk down the concourse, giving Luka no choice but to follow
him.


Ti si nije sam - You are not alone.

Ja sam ovdje zatim - I am here now

JA ljubav te - I love you

Ja sam zalostan - I am sorry

Luka let himself into the hotel room, automatically securing the
door before tossing his suitcase aside and flopping on the bed.
His body bounced a bit and he smiled as he thought about the many
uses for a good mattress, not many of which included sleeping.
Then his smile faded as he remembered the events of the day.

It hadn't taken long to drive to the clinic. But, once there,
the process of getting John signed in had been a long one. There
had been the paperwork, a good portion of which had been filled
in over the phone by Mark, but there were still a lot of blanks
for John to answer. After that, John had been taken away for a
physical. While John was busy with that, Luka and Peter were
busy meeting with the chief psychiatrist, a woman by the name
of Claire Whitman. Her questions had been thorough and insightful,
and Luka had found himself the recipient of most of those
questions, especially once she learned that he and John were
partners.

Finally, Luka and Peter had been sent to the waiting area while
Whitman spoke with John. That had taken a little over an hour.
Then Luka was called back into the office where he, and John,
were informed that he wouldn't be able to see John again for
another week. They didn't want anything to interfere with the
de-tox part of his stay. Whitman gave Luka a timetable for
the family sessions, and then she left the room to give him
and John a few minutes in which to say goodbye.

"There's no need for you to hang around Atlanta for a week,"
John said. He was looking at the floor, not wanting to see
the disappointment in Luka's eyes.

Luka pulled him close and tipped John's chin up, looking intently
into his eyes. "There's no other place I need or want to be,
John. I failed you before because I wasn't around enough. That
won't happen again. Together we'll get through this. A week
won't be so bad and it will give me time to find out what
Atlanta has to offer. That way, when you can leave the clinic
for a few hours, I'll know where to take you."

John grinned as he wrapped his arms around Luka's waist. "I
know the first place I want to see."

"Oh?" Luka grinned back. "And where would that be?"

"The World of Coca-Cola Museum." John deadpanned. Then he
chuckled as he saw the look of disappointment in Luka's eyes.
"Right after I see your hotel room."

Luka grinned again. "I would like very much to give you an
in-depth tour of that place."

"Especially the bed?"

"Especially the bed." Luka said with a smile, then he grew
serious as he leaned in for a long kiss. A few minutes later,
Whitman returned to take John to his room.

"I love you," Luka said as he handed John the suitcase he had
packed for him. It had already been searched, he noted with
sadness. God, what kind of a place was he putting John into?

"I love you, too."

And then John was gone. Luka stood in the office alone for a
minute then went to collect Peter. The drive back to the
airport was a silent one, neither man wanting to talk. As
Luka pulled to a stop in the unloading zone, Peter finally
broke the silence.

"He'll make it through this, Luka. He's strong."

"I know." Luka nodded. In his head he knew that Peter was
right. John was strong. A person didn't go through all the
sorrow he had in his young life to not be strong. Luka was
just having a difficult time convincing his heart that John was
strong. It was his heart that kept telling him he needed to
hold John and keep him safe. Take care of him. He knew that
John didn't want or need that. At least not to the extent that
Luka's heart wanted.

"Are you going to call Kerry?" Peter asked.

"Yes. Later. Do you know if they told John's grandmother?"

Peter shook his head. "I really don't know. I intend to have
a long talk with Kerry and Mark about their arrangements. They
could have been better. A lot better."

"Yeah. And they could have started by letting me know what they
were doing." Luka blew out an exasperated breath. It still
stung to know that they didn't trust him enough to warn him about
the intervention, or to consult with him in getting John to see
that he needed help. Then again, he had been living with John
and hadn't seen any of this, so could he really blame them? He
wished Peter a safe flight, then drove off to find a hotel room.

Lying there, Luka's thoughts returned to the idea that he had
missed something important -- some clue that would have told him
that John was in trouble. There had to have been some sign, some
warning. But, he couldn't remember anything.

He sat up and turned on the light, then retrieved the schedule
that Whitman had given him. There were sessions that he could
attend this week, while John was being kept away from him. He
reached for the phone and called the clinic, setting up times for
himself. Then he braced himself for the phone call he knew
needed to be made to Millicent. How was he going to explain to
her that he had failed to keep John safe? That he had let John
reach this low point?

Luka pulled out his wallet and found Millicent's phone number.
Checking the charge on his cell phone battery, he decided to use
that to call her. It had to be cheaper than paying the long
distance charge the hotel would assess.

The phone was answered by the third ring. It was the butler
and Luka identified himself, then asked to speak with Millicent.
He hoped she was home and not out at a luncheon or other function.

And yet, when she came on the line, he felt a lump in his throat.
How was he going to tell her why John was here in Atlanta? He
took a deep breath and dove in, keeping to the facts as he knew
them. When he was done, there was a stunned silence on the other
end, and Luka was afraid that she was going to hang up on him.
She didn't. Once she recovered from her shock, she peppered him
with questions until she was satisfied that John was going to
get the help he needed. Then she offered to watch the apartment
for him, picking up his mail and making sure the bills were paid.
He and John had already given her a key to the apartment, just
in case an emergency ever arose and John's family needed to get
inside. Luka thanked her and assured her that he would keep her
informed about John's progress. If Millicent heard the tears
in his voice as he told her that it would be a week before he
would see John again, she didn't mention it. Not that she would.
Millicent wasn't the type of person to point out to him that he
was crying.

Luka hung up the receiver, then simply sat there on the bed. His
hand strayed to the pocket of his shirt, touching the items that
were in there. He removed them one by one and sat them on the
nightstand. They all belonged to John. John wasn't allowed to
wear any jewelry while he was at the clinic, and he had removed
his watch, signet ring and the cross before he went for his physical,
putting them into Luka's safekeeping. Luke briefly thought that
he could put the cross on, but he had given it to John and if it
wasn't around John's neck, then it didn't belong on anyone else's,
not even his. Luka would just have to be patient until John could
once more wear it.



"Damn." Luka looked at the number on his beeper, knowing he
couldn't ignore it. Not after Kerry had gone to the trouble of
finding him a temporary job while he was in Atlanta. He was used
to working as a temp in emergency rooms, so it wasn't anything
new to him, but getting an emergency page while he was trying to
get John into bed was not something that he liked. He had gone
without seeing John at all during that difficult first week of
John's rehab. But, then it had taken another week before Whitman
would allow John to leave the clinic. Even though John was making
excellent progress, she didn't want to risk any setbacks. So,
Luka had picked John up at noon, almost giddy at the thought of
having nearly six hours in which to spend alone with him. They
were just getting going when that damn pager had gone off. Damn.

"I have to go to the hospital. I'll drop you off at the clinic
on my way."

"Why? It shouldn't take long and I don't have to be back to the
clinic until six, right?"

"Yeah," Luka nodded. He began to button his shirt. "You don't
mind staying here alone?" Luka wasn't sure that he should leave
John alone. But, what could happen to him in a hotel room?

"I don't mind. I'll just watch t.v. If it looks like you're going
to be gone long, then you can call me and I'll call the clinic to
have someone come get me."

"You're sure?" Luka tenderly caressed John's cheek.

John nodded. "I'm sure." He kissed Luka's hand, then playfully
pushed him toward the door. "And I know that the sooner you get
to the hospital, the sooner you'll be back. So, go already."

"I won't be long." Luka hurried out and to the hospital, hoping
that it was just an emergency they needed an extra hand for and
not him being called in to work another shift.

Three hours later, Luka let himself back into the hotel room. The
television was off, but John was in bed asleep. Luka saw that they
had two hours before John needed to be back to the clinic. And two
hours was more than enough time, he thought. With a grin, he
slowly pulled back the covers, his penis hardening as he saw that
John was naked under the sheet. Stretching out along side John,
Luka licked the skin below John's navel as his free hand began to
caress his penis, and soon the softness of that organ had changed
to a satin hardness. A hardness that Luka devoured like a man who
had gone too long without his favorite food. Without food period,
he thought with a mental grin. He heard a moan start low in John's
throat and he redoubled his efforts, knowing exactly when John
awoke because he felt his hands come to rest on his shoulders.

"Luka..." John murmured. Was he having a dream? It would certainly
be a change to be having an erotic dream as opposed to his normal
nightmares. God, yes, this was so much better. A dream that he
certainly didn't want to wake up from.

Just like his nightmares, this dream felt all too real. He could
so easily believe that it was truly Luka's warm and inventive
mouth on him. Sucking and teasing -- toying with him in ways that
only Luka knew were sure to drive him wild. He spread his legs
and the dream lover settled between them, his clothes rough against
John's skin. But, the oral assault continued until John was sure
he would explode. His dream lover even used condoms, which struck
John as odd, but he was too wrapped up in the dream to object as
the latex was quickly rolled down his sensitive penis and then that
mouth returned, mercilessly attacking him until he screamed as he
came. Panting, John opened his eyes, dimly aware that Luka really
was laying there between his legs, grinning from ear to ear.

"You liked that, no?"

"I liked that, yes. I'm very glad you woke me up," John couldn't
keep from grinning back.

"So am I. I almost didn't. I know you haven't been getting enough
sleep, and you did look so peaceful. But, I just couldn't let this
opportunity go to waste."

"No, you couldn't. That would have been the wrong thing to do."
John let his head drop back to the pillow and he closed his eyes,
still savoring his climax as he listened to Luka move about the
room. When he felt Luka return to the bed, he opened his eyes and
smiled wickedly as he saw that Luka was now undressed.

"So, was it bad?"

"Multi-vehicle accident." Luka didn't want to think about the two
people who didn't survive. He didn't particularly want to think
about the ones who did. He just wanted to think about pleasing
John. "Not much different than the ones we get in Chicago."

John nodded. "The more things change, the more they remain the
same. Here we are, in a hotel room in Atlanta, Georgia, and you're
handling the same things as what you handle back home. It's another
one of those old sayings that actually is true."

"Is it?" Luka propped himself up on one elbow and let his free hand
draw invisible patterns over John's skin, noting that it was still
flushed from his orgasm.

"It is. We have a lot of them here in America. 'Don't count your
chickens before they're hatched.' 'A bird in the hand is worth two
in the bush.' "A stitch in time saves nine.' I could go on."

"Please don't. I get the idea. We have similar sayings in Croatia.
I think they are a worldwide phenomenon."

"Really? I guess Walt Disney had it right after all," John said
as he reached out to stroke Luka's prominent erection.

"Oh? How so?"

"He said that it's a small world after all. Haven't you heard that
song?" John began to sing, acutely aware that he couldn't carry a
tune. "It's a world of laughter, a world of tears, It's a world of
hopes and a world of fears. There's so much that we share that it's
time we're aware, It's a small world after all. It's a small world
after all," John's hand began to slide up and down Luka's penis and
he was trying to keep from laughing as he finished the song, "It's
a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a
small, small world."

Luka glared at John, trying his best to sound upset and not laugh.
"Are you trying to imply that there's something about me that you
find to be small?"

John shook his head. "Never. Although, now that I think about it,
I really don't know of a another cock to compare it to." John had
to force himself to say the last part because he knew that
sometimes Luka liked to hear the "improper" words, and John
had made a promise to himself to try to do and say more things
that turned Luka on.

"Forget I mentioned it," Luka growled. Then he grinned. "Thankfully,
I've missed hearing that song, and I hope I never have to hear it
again."

"Oh, you've never really heard it until you've taken the ride."
John's hand movements were gaining momentum and Luka began to wonder
just what kind of ride John was talking about.

"They made that song into a ride?"

John nodded as he scooted down and pushed Luka onto his back, his
mouth and tongue doing to Luka's body what Luka's hand had been
doing to his. "They did. Maybe someday I'll take you to Disney
World."

"You must really be angry with me if you're threatening that," Luka
joked.

"I think I could get over being angry if you would continue to
take care of business."

"And just what is this 'business' I should be taking care of?"

"Me," John replied as his mouth landed on the tip of Luka's penis.
He slowly worked his way down the shaft his mouth formed into a
tight O as he moved.

Luka groaned, then said, "I think it's time to take care of you.
Just tell me what you want, John, and I'll do it. Anything to make
you happy."

John raised his head. "I want you in me. Long and slow, Luka."

Luka grinned. "I can handle that."

"I thought you could." John stretched across Luka's body to
retrieve a condom and the lubricant from the top of the nightstand,
ever aware of Luka's hands on his body, caressing and teasing. He
quickly put the condom on Luka, then lay back where he was, holding
the lubricant out to Luka.

Luka shook his head. "I want you to prepare yourself for me."

"What?" John wasn't sure he had heard Luka correctly, but he was
blushing all the same. Lord, it had been a long time since Luka
had said or did anything that made him blush.

"You heard me," Luka's voice was thick with desire, but John
thought he saw amusement in his eyes. "I want you to prepare
yourself for me."

"This is your revenge for me singing that song, isn't it?"

Luka slowly smiled as he shook his head. "No. I just want to watch
you get ready for me."

"I don't think I..."

"Of course you can. It's easy."

Luka took the lube from John and squeezed out a fair amount into his
hand. Then he tossed the tube aside and grabbed John's right hand,
transferring the lubricant from his palm to John's fingers. Then he
took John's hand and moved it down past John's groin and to the area
behind his testicles. John shuddered as he felt the coolness of the
gel on his hot skin, his fingers helpless under Luka's control as
they moved in an ever-shrinking circle, until they were there at the
entrance to his body. John was so caught up in the sensation that
he didn't notice it when Luka quit directing his movements and had
simply sat back on his haunches to watch him.

"Your cock, John. Rub the lube over your cock. Make it slick for
me," Luka huskily directed. His eyes were darting from John's hand
to John's face, unsure which sight was the most erotic -- the look of
desire that John wore or watching John pleasure himself this way.
Finally, Luka couldn't stand it any longer and he grabbed John's wrist.

"That's enough...for now." Luka gently raised John's thighs, then
slowly moved into him. He had imagined that John would be tight after
all this time, and he was, a fact that nearly sent Luka over the edge
before he could even get in all the way. He accomplished that though,
but he had to move very slowly and carefully, stopping often to take
deep breaths and will himself to not come. As he immersed himself in
a slow rhythm, his hand found purchase on John's penis, and he pumped
him in time with his thrusts. They came together, their voices mingled
in desperate cries of pleasure.

"Guess I still have time for a quick shower before going back," John
commented as Luka withdrew. He was trying his best to not smile or
let Luka knew he was fooling with him.

"After a climax like that, you just want to leave me?" Luka pretended
to sound hurt.

"Never," John whispered as he pulled Luka down for a kiss. "I never
want to leave you."

"Good. Because I don't ever want to let you go." Luka placed his
hands to either side of John's face and gazed down at him, feeling
honored that he had John.

"What?" John asked as he began to feel uneasy under Luka's intense
scrutiny.

"JA volja drati te siguran," Luka said the words in Croatian, knowing
that John would most likely resent them in English. I will keep you
safe, his heart said. Not something a grown man wanted to hear, but
a feeling that Luka couldn't shake. He had learned a lot about
himself and John in the family therapy sessions, and he knew that
John was also discovering unknown things about himself in his
sessions with Whitman. Things that would change both of them for
the better.

John smiled, then pulled Luka's head down for another kiss. "I
don't know what you just said, but thank you."

"For what?"

John shrugged about as well as a person could who was flat on their
back. "For being here. For loving me. For not asking me to change."

"Then I should thank you for the same things."

"This morning Whitman said that at the rate I'm progressing, I'll be
out of here in two weeks. We can go home then, Luka."

"I don't want you rushing things, John. That's part of what got
you here in the first place. Pushing yourself too hard."

"I know. I won't be doing that." John saw the doubt in Luka's
eyes and added, "As much."

Luka laughed. "I guess I can't ask more than that. So, how about
that shower?"

"I thought you'd forgotten about that."

"Not a chance. Do you know how long it's been since I had the
opportunity to wash your body?"

"Too long, Luka. Way too long." John said as Luka helped him up
from the bed.

"And, I know that I want this." Luka firmly stroked John's soft
penis, thrilled to feel it harden under his touch.

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's get in there." John grabbed
a few condoms from the nightstand and led Luka into the bathroom.


John paused by the tub, then reached out and took Luka's erection
in his hand, gently pumping it. Luka's whimper was like an electric
shock to his own penis and he kept hold of Luka with the one hand
while he leaned over to turn on the water for the shower. Once a
good temperature had been reached, John stepped into the tub,
pulling Luka in with him and embracing him, grinding their erections
together.

"Hmm. Nice," Luka sighed. "But, I thought the idea was to take a
shower, not waste water."

"It is." John let go of Luka long enough to close the shower curtain
and to cut on the shower. The couple was immediately warmed by the
pulsating stream of heat and they melded into each other, their arms
and legs entangled as they kissed with an intensity neither had felt
before. John didn't know if was due to their enforced abstinence or
if it was because he now knew just how much Luka meant to him, and
he to Luka. All he knew is that he couldn't get enough of him. He
was working on marking Luka's shoulder with his mouth when Luka
pulled away.

"Stand still." Luka ordered.

John kept his hands off of Luka long enough to see that Luka was
serious about wanting to wash him. He could stay still for that,
John decided. He couldn't hold back his sighs of bliss as Luka
rubbed the soapy wash cloth over his body. It never ceased to
amaze John that Luka could take something as ordinary as washing
a body and turn it into something so erotic. And when Luka rubbed
that cloth over his aching penis, John moaned, his hips arching
toward Luka.

"Are you ready for me, John?" Luka asked as he rinsed out the
wash cloth.

"Hell, yes."

"Soon then." Luka turned John's body around slowly under the warm
spray, not letting go of his arms until he was sure that John was
completely rinsed. Then he reached out to the tub's rim to open
a condom. He slowly rolled it down John's erection, then, with a
wink, turned around and braced his hands against the wall, his
legs open and inviting. "Take me. Uzeti mene zatim."

And John did. He pushed the head of his penis into that tight
passage, gasping as Luka's muscles clamped down on him. It felt
as if it had been ten forevers since he had last loved Luka like
this. He pushed in a little further, then drew back a bit, teasing
his lover. But, Luka's moans and pleas for him to go faster and
deeper overrode John's desire to play with Luka. With a deep moan
of his own, he plunged deeply into Luka, relishing the feel of
Luka's skin against the front of his own hips. He reached around
and found that Luka was aroused. As soon as his hand was around
Luka's penis, Luka's own hand trapped it there, holding him in
place.

"Be one with me, Luka," John whispered into his ear. Luka nodded
and John took that as his cue to continue. He began to thrust
slowly, knowing that it would drive Luka crazy. Luka always liked
to receive it fast and hard, hardly ever slow and easy. Not like
John, who liked it either way, depending on his mood. And, as he
had earlier been in the mood to get it slow and easy, he was now
in the mood to give it that way. In the mood to hear Luka begging
for him to go faster. In the mood to hear Luka's whimpers as he
thrust his body back onto John's penis, trying his best to take
control. But, John wouldn't let him take over. He continued his
slow assault until he finally came with a strangled cry. Spent,
he leaned his body against Luka's, listening to the quick beat of
Luka's heart and realizing that Luka had not come yet.

John quickly withdrew and removed the condom while Luka turned
back around.

"How do you want it?" John huskily asked as he reached again for
Luka's penis.

"Anyway you want to give it to me," Luka's reply was equally husky
and he wasn't disappointed when John slowly sank to his knees in
front of him, a fresh condom in his hand. Luka ran his hands
through John's wet hair, then pulled him closer, not content until
he felt John's lips wrapping around his hardness. While it was
true he had missed the physical aspect of their lovemaking these
past two weeks, it was the actual closeness he had missed most.
Having someone there with him who knew what to do to please him.
Someone who was receptive to his efforts to please in return.
Luka threw his head back and cried out as he felt John's tongue
dip between his foreskin and the head of his penis, using that to
massage the sensitive tip. Then John drew the foreskin back and
began to devour him. There was no other word for what John was
doing to him but that one. The sensations coming from John's mouth
and his own cock were overwhelming and Luka never noticed when
John paused long enough to roll the condom onto Luka's cock. Luka
grabbed John by the shoulders and he held on for dear life as
John brought him to his climax. Afterward, Luka helped John to
his feet and they kissed deeply, both tongues fighting for
admittance until one of them ceded ground. Then they were out
of the shower and standing in the middle of the room, too close
to the bed to resist the urge to fall back into it. But the
clock kept them from doing all they wanted. Luka wanted to be
able to take John on more "outings" from the clinic, and he didn't
think that bringing John back late on their first "date" was the
right way to show Whitman that he could be trusted. Luka was
quite proud of the fact that he brought John back to the clinic
with ten minutes to spare.


For John, the next two weeks crawled by. He had not been all
that deep into the throes of addiction, so a long de-tox wasn't
necessary. But due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, he did
spend a lot of time talking to Doctor Whitman, and not just about
the stabbing either. He also had to attend Narcotics Anonymous
meetings, even though Whitman assured him that he was not an
addict in the conventional sense of the word. The fact remained
that physicians enrolled in their program had to attend. And
had to work with others who were addicted. John liked working
with people as it brought him back to why he wanted to practice
medicine in the first place -- the desire to help people.

The time he spent with Luka was special, mainly because it was
limited. He still had yet to go sightseeing in Atlanta, but he
knew every inch of that bed in the hotel. It was one thing he
would miss about Atlanta, John thought as he finished packing.

"Ready?" Luka asked from the doorway.

John nodded. "Yeah. I'm done here. Let's go home."

Luka smiled. "Sounds good to me."

They stopped by Whitman's office for the final paperwork, then
drove to the airport. Two hours later they were on the plane
to Chicago.

"Oh, I forgot I had this for you." Luka handed a key chain to
John. "So you can make people think that you did see something
while you were in Atlanta."

John laughed as he looked at the Coca-Cola key chain, one with
a polar bear on it, enjoying an icy bottle of the beverage.
"Thanks, but I saw everything I wanted to see."

Luka grinned. "So did I. But I'm glad we're going home." Luka
reached out and caressed John's cheek, his heart doing a little
flip when John leaned into his touch.

"Me, too. It's going to be strange though, going back to work."

"I know. But there are a lot of people who will be there for
you, John."

John nodded. "Yeah. I owe apologies to a lot of people."

"They'll understand. They already understand."

"I hope so." John smiled again. "Anyway, the point is to look
forward and not back. Doctor Whitman said I need to stay away
from the "what ifs" of my life. We've all made mistakes."

"That's true. I know I've made my share."

"Do you have my things? My watch and all?" John really wanted
the cross back, but he didn't want to sound too eager to get it.
One benefit from going to the NA meetings had been a new awareness
of God and love. He was even more thankful for Luka's love and
that love was symbolized by the cross he had given him.

"I do." Luka handed over the watch and ring. Once John had them
back on, Luka pulled out the cross. "I want to put this on you."

John leaned over and Luka put the chain around his neck. The
metal of the chain and the cross were still warm from being in
Luka's pocket, but in John's mind, it wasn't difficult to imagine
that they had been warmed by Luka's love.

John was about to sit up straight when Luka captured his face in
his hands and kissed him deeply.

"I love you." Luka simply said.

"JA ljubav te." John replied, and then he kissed Luka back. There
had been a few times over the past months when John knew he wouldn't
make it without Luka there for him. He felt blessed that Luka had
been around. He felt blessed that Luka was still around.

As they drew apart, Luka reached out with his right hand to capture
John's left hand, entwining their fingers. He knew that the worst
was behind them. John had been to Hell and back, but he was still
with him. There had been times when Luka had been afraid that he
would lose John the way he lost Marija, but he hadn't. He thanked
God for that every day. He thanked God for giving him another
chance at love. It was a chance he didn't intend to mess up, not
ever. What made that vow more meaningful was that Luka knew John
felt the same way. They would face things together from now on.
It wouldn't be easy. Even now Luka could feel a few irate stares
from some of the other passengers. No, living with and loving
John would not be easy. There would always be people who would
disapprove of their being together. But being with John made
enduring all their bias worth it. What they had was special,
and Luka would never let it go. Never.


The End.


JA volja drati te siguran
I will keep you safe.

Uzeti mene zatim
Take me now.

JA ljubav te
I love you.