Kerry walked Abby to the door. Abby had insisted she was fine and on finishing her shift after she'd gotten some rest. Kerry figured that maybe Abby was just stalling a bit. This was obviously very hard on her and Kerry wanted to make sure she was all right.
"Dr. Weaver, it really isn't necessary for you to walk me all the way to the door." Abby fumbled with her keys.
"Don't worry about it, Abby. I just wanted to check with Veronica and make sure John's doing all right. "If I need to replace him for tonight's shift, I'd like to know as early as possible." Kerry said. She really didn't care about the shift. She just wanted to check on John.
"Okay, they may already be working together so I don't know if you'll get a chance to talk to them." Abby shrugged, opening the door. She was surprised to see John sitting at the kitchen table. He slowly looked up at Abby.
"Hi." He faked a slight smile. Then he saw Dr. Weaver behind her. Abby walked over to him and hugged his head and shoulders from behind.
"Hi, yourself. How are you feeling?" She asked, kissing his head. John hugged the arm she had wrapped around him.
"You don't really want to know." He looked away from her focusing his attention on Kerry.
"Hello, Kerry. I'm sorry for missing my shift last night. Seems like everyone is making decisions for me and deciding what's best. What to talk about, what to keep secret, when to let me work, when to drug me up." He said, a hint of anger in his voice. Abby backed away, feeling the tension coming from his body. Kerry joined him at the table as Abby poured Kerry and herself a cup of coffee.
"John," She reached for his hand but he pulled it away. "John, we all understand that occasionally one needs some time off to just get things back on track. There was no malicious intent behind any of this; you do know that, don't you? We've just all seen a change happening in you and we wanted to help." Kerry explained.
"Why'd you bring the Ativan?" He asked, emptying his third bottle of water. He lined the bottle up with the rest that sat in front of him.
"I'm sorry, John, maybe I made the wrong decision. I thought it would help." Kerry said quietly.
"Yeah, remind me to note it in my personnel records of medications NOT to give, okay?" He snapped sarcastically.
"And where were you?" John turned to Abby. She looked at him; shocked at the glare he shot in her direction.
"I . . . I went to work." Abby said. John stood quickly, groaning and holding his head.
"Fuck!" He said to himself, holding his head. "You are the one that wanted to be there, Abby. You asked if you could be there and I said yes. Hell, I even gave you a chance to back out but you said you'd be there. You said you'd be there for me. And you weren't." He stated harshly, getting another bottle of water from the refrigerator and slamming the door shut. "I was there for you, Abby. I was always there for you." He yelled. Then he noticed Abby crying.
Veronica came out of the guest room quickly.
"What's all the yelling?" She asked, seeing Kerry and Abby at the table and John standing. John went to Abby's side, kneeling on the floor to hold her.
"I'm sorry, Abby. I didn't mean it. Oh God…I'm sorry." He held her tight, stroking her head, trying to make her stop crying.
"Side effects of the Ativan." Kerry whispered, going to Veronica. "How is the therapy going?" They walked to the living room together to give Abby and John some privacy.
"Well, I do believe we made a major breakthrough last night, but I think it's just the beginning. We still have a lot to discover before we can begin to heal." Veronica explained. Kerry nodded.
"Think he can work tonight?"
"Probably. We're going to get started this morning so he should have plenty of time to rest. How's Abby?" Veronica asked.
"She's upset. She had a thirteen-year-old girl come in last night who was abused. She broke down but I made her rest and she's been doing light duty all morning."
"I don't know how they do it day after day. It must be hard when the staff is as messed up as the patients, huh?" Veronica joked lightly.
"We all deal with our demons every day, Veronica. It's always easier to heal someone else than to heal yourself." Kerry commented.
"Ain't that the truth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
As Kerry and Veronica continued their conversation, John led Abby into their room.
Once behind closed doors, Abby sat on the edge of the bed. John set his bottle of water on his nightstand and handed Abby a box of tissues, taking a couple in her hand she wiped away her tears.
"I'm really sorry, Abby." John tried to explain, curling up onto the unmade bed. He was nauseous and thought his head would explode. He pushed the covers away from him as he watched Abby get up and start searching for something more comfortable to wear.
She wanted to just shower and crawl in bed with John but she had heard Veronica mention that she wanted to work with him again this morning.
"John, would you like to join me in the shower?" She leaned close to him and kissed his forehead, "might help your head."
"Abby, I don't think I can right now, it hurts so bad. I just need to lie down." He spoke so softly. Abby could she the pain etched across his face.
"Okay, then, I'll be right out," Abby smoothed down his hair and headed into the shower.
"Abby?" He called out to her.
"Yes, Baby, I'm right here," she took his hand to let him know that she was.
"Promise me, Abby," John pleaded with her. "That no matter what happens, that you won't let them give me any more drugs." The sound of desperation in his voice nearly broke her heart. She had known that he wouldn't like this and she had let Veronica and Kerry both talk her into going along.
"Of course, John, I'll let them know." She kissed his forehead gently. "I'll be right back."
Abby escaped into the bathroom and shut the door. She looked at the broken mirror, the mirror that had started all this. She vowed to call someone to fix it later, after her nap. John didn't need the constant reminder and frankly, neither did she. She stripped off her clothes, turned on the shower and stood in the hot spray crying. She knew that his anger was the drugs talking but John had been right. He had every right to lash out at her the way he did. He had always been there for her through so much pain and heartache with her mother and with many other things as well. And the one time that he really needed her, she had failed him. She took the easy way out. 'I can't do that to him again,' she thought. 'No matter how bad this gets, I have to be there for him.' She promised herself.
Abby quickly finished her shower and dressed in a pair of flannel bottoms and a black camisole top. She ran the blow drier through her wet hair and straightened up the bathroom.
When she came out, she noticed that John was sound asleep. Not wanting to disturb him just yet, she went into the living room to speak with Kerry and Veronica.
"How's he doing?" Kerry asked as Abby sat on the love seat.
"He's asleep, says his head hurts," Abby bit back her tears.
"It's the Ativan," Kerry spoke up. "That's probably why he doesn't want to take it." She tried to reassure Abby.
"No, Kerry, that's not the reason, at least not the only reason." Abby got up and began pacing as her anger boiled to the surface. "John is a drug addict or did that fact somehow slip your minds? You have drugged him, without his consent for the last two nights so he didn't have to feel the pain. Think about it, Kerry. Why do you think he took the painkillers, huh? He wanted to block out the pain, not only in his back but also in his head and in his heart! You two have given a drug addict a benzodiazepine and you're telling me that you think he doesn't want to take it because it gave him a headache? As if he's not depressed enough as it. I don't know how I let you two talk me into going along with this but I have news for both of you. He doesn't want it and he has made me promise him that I will not let you give him any more." She was clearly upset and even though she knew that they were only trying to help John, they just couldn't know what it was like.
"Abby, I'm sorry. I should have made John aware of what I was doing and gotten his permission." Veronica began to apologize. She stood up to hold Abby in a tender hug.
"It was my fault," Kerry spoke up, "I knew that, John, probably wouldn't agree. I told Veronica just to use her better judgment. We just want to see him get through this."
"I'm going to go in and lie down with him, could you give us a little while before starting his next session?" Abby slowly pulled away from Veronica and angrily wiped at the tears that had begun to course slowly down her cheeks. She was tired, irritable, and not in the best state of mind.
"Kerry, if for any reason, he's unable to work tonight, I will be staying with him." Abby turned toward Kerry.
"Of course, I already told you both to take all the time that you needed and I meant it." Kerry stood to go to her. "Abby, I'm really sorry."
Abby just turned and left.
Kerry had taken the remaining pills out of the apartment as a precaution and had gone home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abby crept into the room and curled up next to John. Soon she too was fast asleep.
About two hours later, John woke up and untangled himself from Abby, even in their sleep they had managed to wrap themselves around each other. He really didn't feel like getting up but three 8-ounce bottles of water told him that he needed to use the bathroom, very badly. John managed to roll out of bed without waking Abby as he headed for the bathroom. After relieving himself, he stepped into the shower.
His head was finally beginning to clear as the hot water cascaded down his back, and the smell of the soap invigorated him, he felt like a new person. Waking up alongside Abby had helped also. He was beginning to allow himself to believe that maybe she did care.
He came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Searching around for some clean sweats, he realized that it had been over a week since he last did any laundry. Even the new underwear and flannel pants that he had recently purchased had yet to be washed.
Going 'commando' he pulled on an old pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Then gathered up his hamper and a small jar of quarters, he headed to the basement. He stopped in the kitchen to leave Abby a note when he found the note from Veronica that she would be back soon.
He had just finished the wash and was putting his clothes in the dryer when Veronica entered the room. She took one look at him and smiled.
"You look like you're feeling better." She walked over and handed him a cup of coffee and a small bag containing a bagel. "Here, sit down and eat this," she ordered.
"Thanks and yeah, I feel a lot better." He smiled at her. "I have to get these started first."
"Just sit and eat, I'll do this," she took the quarters from him and finished putting the clothes in the dryer.
"Veronica, I want to apologize for waking you up earlier and for the things that I said."
"No need." She cut him off, "I should have realized that the drugs would have an adverse affect on you. You had every right to speak your mind. Besides, I'm the one that should be apologizing."
"Veronica, do you think that this is really going to work?" He asked as he nervously ran his hand along the back of his neck.
"Yes, Hon, I do. I know that at this point, I have no right to ask this of you but you just have to trust me." Veronica took his hand and held it in hers he leaned his chin on her head.
"I do really, I do." He said as they carried on a friendly conversation as they waited for his clothes to dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After getting a few hours of sleep, Abby woke to find John in the living room with Veronica. She offered to fix John a sandwich, but he declined, telling her that he had just eaten. They sat for a little while just enjoying each other's company when John told Veronica that he would like to get started.
Veronica suggested using her room since she knew that John had called for someone to fix the mirror in his bathroom.
As John lay in the center of the bed, Abby began to tuck pillows around his body, reassuring him that she would be there when he woke.
After making sure he was completely under, Veronica began.
"All right, John. Now, I need you to relax. We're going to go back to where we left off, okay? When we ended our last session, you told us about having sexual intercourse with your caretaker Nicole for the first time."
"She's a maid," he corrected.
"Okay, thank you, John, my mistake. Now, let me know if I'm correct. I understand that you first had intercourse with Nicole, the maid, when you were eleven. Is that right?" She asked.
"Yes."
"Did you have intercourse with Nicole more than once?" Veronica made notes on her paper.
"Yes."
"Did she threaten you? Threaten to tell someone?" She asked. He shook his head.
"No, she loves me, she wouldn't do that," he said, adamantly.
"She loves you?" Veronica asked.
"Yes, she's my girlfriend but I can't tell anyone because they won't understand. I have to keep it a secret. I have to keep what we do a secret, to make sure my mom and Gamma trust her so she can keep seeing me." John said.
"Does she come see you often?"
"Every night, when I'm home from school. When I'm away, we write letters. She's teaching me things. I'm learning how to do it. Sometimes she still gets mad but I'm getting better. She even says so. She calls me 'Baby' but she doesn't mean it like I'm a baby. She does it because she loves me." He explained.
"Oh, Lord.' Veronica held her head in her hands. She looked at Abby. "He told Brandon he liked it when he called him 'Baby.' She whispered. "John, does Nicole treat you unkindly or hurt you in any way?" She asked.
"No, Nicole loves me," he said, sounding confused.
"Do you love her?" Veronica questioned, making several notes.
"Yes." He stated simply. Veronica took a deep breath.
"John, these letters she wrote you while you were in school. Were these love letters?" She asked. He nodded.
"She used to tell me about how we would live together when I got out of school. She told me how much she loved me," he said, smiling.
"What about girls your own age, John. She was fourteen years older than you? Don't you like any girls your own age?"
"No." He said quickly. "I'm not allowed. Nicole says I'm with her and I can't be with anyone else. She says that girls my age wouldn't understand. She says they won't love me. No one will love me the way she does." He said. Veronica glanced at Abby, who was listening intently.
"John, how long did your relationship with Nicole go on?" Veronica did not want to know this answer. She had a feeling what it would be already.
"I already told you," he said, sounding sad.
"When did you tell me, John? I don't remember." Veronica flipped back in her notes.
"My fourteenth birthday, she told me she didn't love," he hugged a pillow and rolled over.
"You had a sexual relationship with Nicole from the time you were eleven to the time you turned fourteen?" Veronica needed to clarify.
"I told you, I loved her," he said.
"What happened at your fourteenth birthday? Didn't you tell me she gave you your birthday present?" She asked. He rolled over away from Veronica. He didn't realize he was now facing Abby. She could see his face clearly and he looked so young. He had rolled over because he was trying to hide the fact that he was crying.
"John, what happened after Nicole gave you your birthday present?" Veronica asked again. Abby watched the tears streaming down his face.
"She told me she didn't love me, that she never loved me. She told me she used me for the sex but that she never cared about me. She told me I was a child, and could never find anyone who would love me. She told me I'd always be alone." He said slowly, through restrained sobs.
"John, I want you to move a little forward here. You are now were in high school." Veronica said. "Do you date any of the girls in school, girls your own age?"
"No one would want me," he said quietly. "My instructor said if I did things for her, she would help me get into medical school."
"And you did?" She said, pausing.
"Yeah, I wanted to be a doctor, I had too," he sighed heavily.
"John, have you ever been told that if you did things with other people that you could get things you wanted?" She asked. He nodded.
"Yeah, but after I did it, I would always work harder to make sure that wasn't the only reason I got things." He defended himself. Veronica sat back in her chair and sighed.
"John, do you see that what Nicole did to you when you were eleven as abuse?" She asked, waiting for his response.
"No," he stated clearly. "I loved her," he said.
Abby shook her head.
"John, I want you to come forward. You're in your own home with Abby." Veronica waited a few minutes.
"Are you afraid to love someone again?" Veronica asked after a long pause. Abby looked at her; surprised that Veronica would ask him something this personal with her in the room.
John fidgeted with the edge of the pillow. "I can't ever be good enough for anyone. That's why they all leave me. Everyone that I have ever loved has either left me or I caused them to die." He stated clearly as if he believed this to be truth.
To be continued………..
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