Kerry knelt on the floor above John's head as he cowered tighter into a ball. He was rocking himself now, humming with his hands wrapped tightly around himself.
"John, it's me, Kerry. We need to get you up onto the bed, Honey." she tried to convince him to get up off the cold tile. He was dressed in just his boxer shorts and she was sure he was cold. His whole body was still shaking and clammy to the touch and she just wanted to get him into bed where he could be warm.
"No, I don't have to go, don't have to do it, you can't make me do it," he mumbled, shaking his head slightly. Kerry's heart broke at the fear she heard in his voice, the fear and the innocence.
"John, I won't make you do anything, but it's cold down here on the floor. Wouldn't you be more comfortable up on the bed? The bed is soft and warm." Kerry said in the most soothing voice she could muster. She saw John finally open his eyes and his pupils were drastically dilated. He looked up at her slowly.
"Soft?" He mouthed.
"Yes, Honey, the bed is soft," she smiled.
John nodded as he began to get up from the floor. Kerry tried to help but he jerked away.
"No!" He stated. "I'll do it by myself." He said, finding his strength totally gone. Just standing seemed to be such an effort.
"John, I'd like to help you." Kerry stood back, watching.
"No! I can do more later," he mumbled. "I can make you happy later. Right now, I just don't feel good and my tummy hurts," he stumbled toward the bed, Kerry following closely.
"What will you do later, John?" She asked, needing to know where his head was.
"You know, touch you. I'll touch you later. I'll do it however you want but please let me sleep. I just have to sleep." He clumsily crawled under the rumpled covers, latching onto a pillow.
"John, I don't want you to do anything to me, Honey, it's me, Kerry." She felt the tears running down her cheeks as she watched John crawl like a wounded animal back to bed. He just seemed totally defeated. Kerry decided to try and sit on the edge of the bed, hoping he'd let her do that.
Surprisingly, the minute she sat down, he wrapped his entire body around her, clinging to her thigh as if it were a life preserver.
"Oh, John, it's going to be okay, Hon." She couldn't help but say as she heard as well as felt his entire body collapse as the sobs came.
"I didn't mean to be bad, I didn't. I know I should have tried harder. Maybe if you just let me keep trying, I can learn how. I want to make you happy. Don't leave me, please," he mumbled as he cried. He sounded so desperate.
After several moments, his body began to relax and Kerry thought maybe he'd fallen back to sleep. That would be for the best, she thought. Suddenly, John rolled over, pulling away from her and sliding himself to the far side of the bed, curling up under the blankets.
"I'm sorry," John, said, sounding calm and much more like himself again.
"John?" Kerry asked, reaching out for his bare shoulder. He pulled away.
"Kerry, don't. It's bad enough trying to imagine what I might have said or done, so please don't add touching me to the list of humiliations, okay?" He said in a completely dejected tone.
Kerry did relax slightly though, knowing that he was back in his right mind.
"John, can you tell me what happened here? Can you tell me why I found you on the bathroom floor, curled up like a child?" She asked.
He groaned loudly and pulled the covers over his head. "Oh, God," came from underneath.
"John, what brought you to my door last night? Honey, what happened last night?" She asked caringly before hearing a knock at the door.
"Who's that?" John asked sounding frightened.
"Probably Luka. I asked him to come over," Kerry said, getting up from the bed. John shot straight up in a sitting position at the sound of Luka's name.
"Luka? Luka's here?" John shrieked.
"John, I was scared and needed help. I couldn't get you off the floor." Kerry tried to reassure him but John was in a full fledge panic. He jumped up from the bed, not remembering he was still only in his boxers. He reached down to the floor and hastily pulled his tuxedo pants back on while muttering.
"I can't do this. I can't let him see me like this. No, this is wrong. Very wrong. Not Luka. I can't do this. I gotta get away. He can't see me like this." He fastened his pants and began to desperately look for his clothes. Kerry took a hold of his upper arms and stopped him.
"John! Look at me!" She forced him to meet her eyes.
"Kerry, he can't see me like this, please!" He begged, almost crumbling before her. Kerry couldn't believe the look of total terror she saw in his eyes.
"It's okay, Honey, let me go get the door. You stay down here and I'll close the door, okay? Can we do that?" She asked. It seemed to be a minor relief as John looked in her eyes.
"Okay, Kerry, I trust you," he said, taking a deep breath. He watched her climb the stairs, not moving a muscle until he was sure she shut the door behind her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once she reached the landing, Kerry took a moment to catch her breath. She heard Luka knock again.
"I'm coming," she called. Kerry opened the door and saw Luka standing on the other side, looking very worried. He had on his jacket and carried his medical bag.
"Kerry, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" He asked, checking her for injuries. Kerry tried to brush him off.
"No, it's not me." She led him inside and to the living room. "Luka, I'm not sure how to approach this," she began.
"Kerry, whatever it is, you know that I'll help," he said, still having no clue as to why his boss would have called him to her house.
"What I need your help with has got to remain totally confidential, do you understand? Completely private. No one must know what you will know. Can I trust you to help me even if it goes against everything you believe in and your oath as a doctor?" She prefaced, challenging, looking for a falter in his face, even a slight one telling her he was not to be trusted.
"Of course, Kerry, you have my word/" He stated, now curious as to what the purpose of this house call was.
"Luka, very early this morning, one of the employees from the hospital showed up at my door, very troubled. I thought it best that they get some sleep and maybe we could talk about what had upset them so badly. Luka, this morning, I found this person in a total catatonic state in my basement, altered, scared and responding to some sort of internal stimuli. I called you because this person wouldn't respond to me at all," she explained.
"Where's Carter now?" Luka asked.
"How'd you know its Carter?" Kerry was shocked.
"Abby told me the other night. She told me what he's been going through and what he does. I thought something was wrong when he didn't show for work. Carter never misses work," Luka said.
"Well, I don't think he'll be working for a while now," she said sadly.
"Is he on anything?" Luka needed to ask.
Kerry shook her head. "No, I don't think so." The more she thought, the more sure she was.
"Does he need to be sedated?" Luka stood, getting his medical bag ready.
"That depends on what state he's in. He began to panic when he heard you knocking. Luka, I didn't know he was this bad. Why didn't Abby say something? Why didn't Veronica say something?" Kerry began to blame herself for pushing Veronica onto John.
"Let me talk to him. You stay here and let me try to just talk to him," Luka suggested.
Kerry pointed towards the door that led to the basement
Luka stood at the top of the stairs as he shut the door behind him. He understood what John was going through much better after Abby had talked to him and he knew what the problem was. John was suffering from a delayed reaction to all the horrible things that had happened in his life and he wouldn't be able to move forward until he received professional help. Slowly, Luka began to descend the stairs.
The door to the bedroom was open and Luka could see John sitting on the end of the bed in a state of half dress, looking dejected. Luka stood at the door as John looked up at him.
"I'm not crazy, Luka," he said, making Luka smile.
Luka came into the room and pulled a chair up in front of where John sat.
"I don't think you're crazy," Luka said, his voice conveying concern and warmth.
"Then why does this keep happening?" John asked the older man, begging for the answer.
Luka gently took John's hands in his own.
"Carter, you need help. Abby told me that you are doing hypnosis but it sounds like all it's done is make you think more." Luka said, feeling John's hands tremble in his.
"It's happening more and more. She broke my heart, Luka. Did she tell you what happened last night?" John asked, looking very young at that moment. Luka shook his head.
"No, she didn't." Luka wasn't sure if John wanted him to know or not. He hadn't exactly been privy to John and Abby's relationship.
"I proposed to her. God, why was I so stupid!" John stood and began pacing. "She had me going all along. Had me so convinced she loved me! Damn, I can be such an idiot!" John leaned up against the wall, bracing himself with his arms and he banged his forehead against the cement.
"What did she say?" Luka was surprised by this admission. He knew that John had been in love with Abby but enough to propose to her? He wondered where they were since John was obviously still wearing parts of his tuxedo.
"She thought I was joking," John said, getting dizzy from banging his head a bit harder than he'd intended. He turned around and slumped to the ground, his back against the wall. "I proposed to her right in front of my entire family and about 300 of their closest friends and she thinks I'm joking." He laughed sarcastically at himself.
"Did you mean it?" Luka asked, turning to face John. John looked up at the tall man.
"Luka, did you mean it when you proposed to your wife?" He asked, knowing Luka would understand him.
"Last night did not get you here now." Luka said, trying to get John off the subject of Abby. It was still hard for Luka to listen to. "There is more going on in your head. Carter, you cannot do this alone."
"What the hell am I supposed to do, Luka? I have to keep my job and in case you hadn't noticed, the loony bird has just been promoted by default again? Damn! I get Chief Resident because they fire Deb and I get seniority because Mark dies. Why the hell can't I get anything because I fucking deserve something? I'll tell you why!" John was up and ranting again, his rage clear. "Because I don't deserve it! Because I fucked everything up like I always do! My God, all I have thought about for years is that hospital and how I could be better at what I do. Anspaugh, Benton, Mark, I failed them all! They all told me, so. Damn, why was I being so stubborn? I thought I could make a difference, you know? I thought I'd be a good doctor but obviously I can't. Hell, now I need the doctor. Can't very well heal people when you're as screwed up as I am, can you, Kovac?" John stalked about the room.
Suddenly, John held his head and crouched. "Damn, why won't they fucking shut up? I won't listen to you! Do you hear me! I won't!" John yelled, holding his head and shaking it. Luka calmly watched.
"Maybe if I just go to work, they'll shut up. If I just concentrate on something else, I can get them to be quiet. How do you get them to shut up, Luka? I've tried everything and they keep yelling!" John begged, grabbing the front of Luka's shirt, having crawled to him on his knees.
"John, you need to go to a hospital. You need to be someplace safe, someplace where they can help you get healthy," Luka said, holding on to John's hands that were still clinging to the front of his shirt. John looked at him incredulously. He pulled away and stalked to the bathroom. John stood in front of the mirror, staring at his own reflection.
"Luka, tell me this. Say, you brought your children into the closest emergency room for care. Would you want a doctor who had been locked up in a mental institution working on your kids? Hell NO!" He yelled, bringing his hand up to break the mirror but Luka caught his fist just in time and held him tightly.
"Carter, there are other ways," he said calmly, feeling John resist.
"I can't get committed, Luka. They'll take my license," John begged, so close to Luka.
"Look, there are ways. If you say, voluntarily commit yourself into some place, they have to let you go when you say so?" Luka suggested.
John was listening closely.
"Uh, yeah, on voluntary admissions, you can leave anytime," John nodded, thinking Luka might be on to something.
"And you use an assumed name. I have known others who have done the same," Luka added.
John was beginning to like the idea. "I could find someplace out of town maybe." John began to think more and more that Luka had a great idea.
"I know of someplace you would maybe like. It's less than an hour, over in Lemont. A place called Rock Creek Center," Luka suggested.
"Luka, how do you know about this place? I mean I've got to find someplace that will be able to figure out how I can move on with my life," John said but Luka smiled.
"I have known a few people who have used this place and they are better now. If you don't like it, you can just leave," Luka smiled and John smiled back.
"You're right. I'll just leave." John liked the idea more and more.
"And John?" Luka said. John looked at him. "They have special programs for PTSD, self harm and suicide," Luka said quietly. At first John looked quickly away but he looked back towards Luka and smiled.
"Thanks, do you think you can run me over there? I'm not sure if I'll make it if I drive myself," John stammered. He was still a bit nervous about this entire thing but he knew that it was what he had to do. He picked up his crumpled dress shirt and put it on.
"Sure." Luka placed his hand on John's shoulder as they went up the stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kerry looked up as she heard the two men talking quietly. John looked up and smiled sheepishly. Actually, more like humiliated, but he did smile. John sat on the couch to leave Luka to make the arrangements.
"Can I use your phone, Kerry?" Luka asked, pulling out his wallet.
"Sure," she said quietly. "What are you doing?" She asked, watching John closely.
"He's agreed to have himself committed for a while." Luka was looking through his wallet for a business card.
"Oh, Lord," Kerry gasped quietly.
"He knows he needs help, Kerry and he can't do it on his own. I know a place that deals with PTSD and sexual abuse not far from here. If I can get him in, he's going to check in under an alias. What do you think?" He asked, having found the card. He put his wallet back while Kerry checked out the card.
"Hm, I've heard of this place. They have a wonderful reputation. Don't they use alternative methods of healing, I mean, other than just drug therapy?" She asked.
Luka nodded, picking up the phone. "They are very good." He smiled, dialing.
Kerry went to the living room so Luka could have some privacy.
"Thought you might need some," Kerry smiled, handing John a cup of coffee.
He looked up at her and tried to smile. "Kerry, I just want to thank you for all that you have done for me. I really do appreciate it." He looked up to her and took the coffee from her. "Yeah thanks, I need this." He smiled a little half smile before sipping the hot liquid.
"John, you know how much I care about you," she said.
John looked at her for a few minutes and then he blushed, smiling and looking away embarrassed.
"Uh, Luka knows of some place, some hospital that has programs for people like me." He felt a need to explain. "I'm going to have him drive me there now after we stop by my place and get some clothes. I can't show up dressed in a tux or they'll know I'm crazy!" He kidded.
Kerry smiled at him and placed her hand on his arm. "John, you're not crazy and you are going to get through this. I promise you that," Kerry reassured him.
"Uh, Kerry? I don't know when I'll be back." He looked at her with tears in his eyes, his voice cracking.
Kerry touched his cheek. "Don't worry about that, John. I'll hold your job for you. You take all the time you need."
"Thanks, Kerry." John looked down at the floor, deep in thought. "Kerry?"
"Yeah?" She answered, seeing him looking so sad.
"Tell Abby for me, okay? Don't tell her where I am but talk to her for me. Tell her that I've never stopped loving her and that I meant every word." He said. "Will you do that for me?"
"I will, John, I will." Kerry smiled, not knowing what he meant but she was quite sure that Abby would know exactly what it was.
Luka joined them in the living room. He had a smile on his face.
"You get it all worked out?" Kerry looked up at the tall man.
"They're expecting us. I have a friend who is a doctor there and she said they'd take you today, Carter."
"Good," John nodded, staring at the floor, nervously.
Kerry lifted his chin with her finger. "John, you're going to be okay. Everything will work out. Trust me," she smiled, meeting his eyes.
He pulled away and smiled feeling a bit embarrassed.
"Well, I'm a long way from being okay but I'm going in the right direction." He admitted as he and Luka went to the door.
Kerry watched as Luka led John out to his car. Luka was going to follow John so he could leave his Jeep at home and get some clothes. After Luka had called Rock Creek Center, they told him to have John only bring casual clothes with him and that all other necessities would be provided.
It saddened her to think that it had to come down to this but John had years of junk bubbling up inside of him and Kerry was afraid that if he didn't seek professional help soon that he could be lost to them forever.
Somehow, Kerry knew that Luka would take care of him and see to it that he arrived safely and would have everything he needed. They had all silently agreed that the three of them, John, Luka and herself, would be the only ones to know of his true whereabouts and the name that he used to admit himself under. They would be the only ones allowed to contact him in case of any emergency and Luka and Kerry had both reassured John that they would keep an eye on Abby and keep her updated on his progress until he was ready to see her again.
To be continued……..
***Rock Creek Center actually does exist and has a really cool website.
http://www.rockcreekcenter.net
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n