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Nick sat back for a moment thinking about what John had just told him. Looking over his notes he did indeed remember correctly. Kerry was his boss.



"John was Kerry your boss while you were living with her?" Nick asked.



"Technically no, Dr. Romano was ER Chief, but Kerry basically did the job. When Dr. Romano became Chief of Staff he appointed Kerry, ER Chief. After that she asked me to move out. She said she didn't want to be accused of favoritism. So I found a nice little place near the hospital. I kept it after I was stabbed but after a while I couldn't stand the idea of going home alone. My grandparents kept after me to move in with them and as it ended up I was spending more and more time over there until I finally gave in." John said wearily, rubbing at his eyes trying to stay awake.



Nick could see that he was beginning to doze off. "John would you like to go outside and get some fresh air. We could go for a walk if you'd like." He asked. Nick hoped to keep John awake at least another hour until 9pm, in the hopes of getting him into a routine.



John was instantly on his feet and headed out the door. Not only could he use the fresh air but also he needed a smoke. As soon as they were outside, John lit up and followed Nick. He wasn't sure where they were going but he didn't really care. It was a nice night out and the air felt good.



"Do you play tennis?" Nick asked as he opened a small shed just outside the courts. He flipped on the lights and handed John a racket.



"It's not one of my favorites but I do know how." John replied as he butted his finished cigarette. He looked around to see the courts all lit up and laughed at the idea that Nick wanted to take him on.



John and Nick had just gotten started when a couple of women that John had noticed paling around together came and sat on the sideline. Nick motioned John over to the net.



"You up for a bit of doubles? These two are pretty good." Nick asked if John minded that the girls joined them.



"Yeah sure," John replied, looking over at them.



"If you two want to grab a couple of rackets? We can play some doubles." Nick called out. He watched as they went to the shed and soon joined them on the court.



"I'm Pam and this is Tasha." Pam held her hand out to John. He shook it and offered his hand to Tasha but she coiled away from him.



"Don't mind her." Pam smiled as she openly flirted with John.



"Tasha, come on this side and Pam can partner up with John." Nick said knowing that Tasha wasn't too eager to be close to John.



They were all soon in the midst of a rather heated game. They had also drawn a small crowd of spectators who cheered them on. Suddenly, Tasha and Nick went for the same ball and ended up slamming into each other. Tasha fell down and stayed down, curled up in a ball, holding her leg.



The sight of her spurred John into action and he was quickly kneeling at her side. "Are you okay?" He reached out to take a look at her knee.



"Don't touch me." Tasha screamed and started hitting at John with her fists. John held his hands up but did not move away. He spoke very calmly. "It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. I won't touch you, I promise. I just want to see if you're okay."



Nick was about to intervene on John's behalf when he noticed that Tasha had stopped hitting out, her eyes transfixed on John's face.



"Tasha, I'm a doctor, okay? I just want to make sure your ankle is okay. Is that what you hurt? Or was it your knee?" He backed up, trying to coax her to let him see but he wasn't going to touch her. He knew too well how that felt.



Tasha had been at the center for nearly a month and had never been able to talk about what had happened to her. Every time she had even begun she just broke down and cried. Nick was completely taken by surprise. John was just inches away from her body and that was closer than any male had gotten to her physically the entire time she'd been there. Nick quickly ordered everyone away and listened.



John grimaced as he saw her swollen knee. "Tasha, I'm afraid it's not your ankle. I think you might have torn some cartilage in your knee. Can I touch it? I promise not to touch anything else, I swear. I'll tell you everything before I do it and if it scares you, tell me, okay?" He said, still with the patience of an angel.



Slowly, Tasha nodded.



"Okay, Tasha. I'm going to touch you on the back of your ankle first with one hand," and he did so gently, "And then with my other hand, I'm going to touch your knee on the inside," He did so, making her cry out in pain. The next thing Nick knew, Tasha sank into John's arms. She was crying her heart out as John sat on the ground and held her in his arms.



"Oh God, I'm so sorry." She finally pulled away and looked up into John's caring face. "I know that you just can't understand what it feels like to have someone touching you when you don't want him to," Tasha cried.



"Yes, I do." John sniffed holding back his own tears as he felt her pain. "I know more than you think. Look, Tasha, the only way to get you back inside where you can get this knee taken care of is for me to carry you. Would you allow me to do that?" He asked, brushing a piece of hair from her eyes. She nodded.



"You must be a very good doctor." She smiled, now a bit embarrassed.



"I am." John smiled back as he lifted her from the ground. Tasha laid her head on his shoulder as he continued to talk quietly with her while Nick followed, watching in amazement.



After getting Tasha iced and wrapped, John stayed with her, both talking softly with one another. John began to tell her about his own experiences as the memories of Nicole resurfaced once more. Only this time, he was able to see them for what they were and not become frightened by them. Tasha also felt comfortable enough with John to begin to share her story with him, both opening up to each other.



Seeing that this was a major breakthrough for both of them, Nick had allowed them to sit and share their experiences with each other. They both seemed to find it much easier to talk one-on-one with someone that truly understood what the other had gone through.



Nick's shift ended at 9:30 but by the time John and Tasha were ready to call it a night, it was a little after 10. Nick was more than happy to stay late, feeling it was worth the extra time spent.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



John reluctantly took the Benadryl ordered by Dr. Sajak and got himself ready for bed. After such an emotional evening he thought that he could probably sleep even without the extra help. He had promised Dijana that he would take it so he did, knowing that she was only looking out for his best interest.



For the first time since he arrived, he went to bed and fell asleep right away. Dreaming of being with Abby he rolled over and pulled a pillow close to him and held on as if he would never let her go. Her soft, sweet lips pressed firmly against his as her hands trailed over his warm flesh. He could smell her hair and Vanilla perfume mixed with an essence that was purely Abby. Her eyes danced as they met his. Her laughter rang through his ears as he smiled peacefully. He felt himself grow hard as her hand held his shaft and he took her firm breasts with his mouth as his body covered hers. She held on to him encouraging him to fill her. Slowly and passionately he began to pump deep inside of her. "Oh, God," he moaned silently. They held each other close for what seemed an eternity.



"Here, John take it." Abby held out the ring. "It was just a joke." She laughed wickedly.



"Poor, Johnny, you'll never learn." The face in his dream was no was longer Abby's but Nicole's. "I told you no one would ever love you, you silly boy," she mocked.



"No! Stop it! Stop!" He screamed out. John was startled awake. He sat up suddenly realizing that is was all just a dream.



Checking his watch to find that it almost 3am he pulled himself out of bed and went into the bathroom to splash some cool water on his face. Not wanting to go back to sleep, he wandered downstairs and out the back to have a smoke.



As he sat out in the patio, he couldn't stop thinking of Abby. He had gone over repeatedly in his mind, remembering every detail of last Friday night. It was as if every word spoken between them had been etched into his heart. He could not stop thinking of how easy it was for Abby to have claimed it was all just a game.



"I can call the nurse and have her bring you a sleeper." Matt offered as he watched John lost in thought after finishing his second cigarette. He wasn't sure what sort of meds were prescribed for various patients but he knew that there would be something in John's chart.



"No, what I'd really like is to take a walk or something." John got up and began pacing the area. He seemed to be wound up and needed to burn off some excess energy. He wasn't used to not having anything to do beside sit around and talk all day. What little time he had to himself and not in one group or another was spent playing basketball or lifting weights. It just wasn't quite the same as a good bloody trauma to get the adrenalin flowing.



"Hey, John how are you?" Mike joined them. "Trouble sleeping?" He asked.



John turned to see the security guard who had sat with him the night before.



"Hey, Mike." John greeted the man with a smile. "I'm not real clear what happened last night but I really want to thank you again for staying with me I know it's your job but you went above and beyond the call of duty. I usually don't lose it like that, well not until recently." John found this man so easy to talk to. He thought that if anyone should have been a therapist Mike should have.



"I would've thought that after being up for the better half of the night, that you'd be sleeping like a log tonight." Mike kidded.



"Slept most of the day." John admitted as he lit up another cigarette.



"Really and they let you do that?" Mike bantered.



"I had a little help," John blushed.



"Hey, John," Matt asked. "How old are you?"



"Almost 32. Why?" John asked, feeling strangely comfortable with these two.



"You may be too old. We were trying to remember the group that sang 'Hanging by a Moment' but it may be too new for ya." Matt laughed.



"Lifehouse." John smirked. "That's one of Abby's favorite songs." He smiled.



"When's your birthday?" Mike asked, picking up on the fact that he said almost.



John thought for a few moments. "What day is it?" He asked sheepishly. He'd lost track of his days already.



"It's Tuesday the 28th." Mike said.



John laughed and shook his head, doing a quick calculation. "It's next Thursday actually. My birthday's the 4th of June." He said reluctantly.



"Oh, we gotta celebrate. The kitchen makes a mean birthday cake." Matt said.



"No!" John said strongly. "I have this thing about my birthday, okay? I don't want it celebrated, please?" He asked both men. They looked at each other strangely.



"Okay, dude. No problem. And if we hear of anyone else trying, we'll tell them, okay?" Mike reassured him.



"Thanks." John said, feeling that Mike would be true to his word.



"So, who's Abby?" Matt nudged John's side.



"I think I'm going to grab a ball and shoot some hoops for a while. I'm going stir crazy here." John smiled wandering away from them.



"That guy has issues." Matt whispered, watching John getting a ball. Mike laughed.



"He wouldn't be here if he didn't, you idiot." Mike said playfully. "Hey, John, you up for some one-on-one?"



~~~~~~~~~~~~



After a couple heated rounds, John was bent over trying to catch his breath. Mike was laughing jovially as he heard John's stomach rumble.



"Don't they feed you around here?" Mike bantered.



"I just can't seem to get with the program." John kidded. "I'm not used to a schedule. "I work all sorts of strange and long hours. I eat and sleep when I need to and have ever since I started college.



"Where'd you go to college?" Mike asked just making conversation.



"University of Pennsylvania." John answered looking up at the morning sky and admiring the wonderful colors.



"God, it's beautiful this time of the morning." John commented as he watched the sunrise. "I love watching the sunrise from the roof top where I work." John was always so careful not to give away to much information about himself. It was getting harder and harder to keep all his secrets from those he wanted to trust.



"I know it's still pretty early but I'm sure that Amanda can scrounge you up some breakfast if you want." Mike offered.



"Yeah, if you're sure it's okay, I'm starving." John was in a really good mood.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



John arrived at Dr. Sajak's office right on time. He knocked softly on the door.



"Dr. Sajak?" He called.



"Come on in, John. I'm just reading over the night report. Seems someone got to play doctor last night, hm? Nick wrote that Tasha even let you carry her inside." Dijana asked, slightly amused. John blushed as he sat down.



"She was nice. We spent quite a bit of time talking afterwards. You know, I understand why she doesn't trust guys. I don't think I would either if I'd been through what she's been through." He ran his hands through his hair.



"You've been mistreated the same way by women yet you still find yourself attracted to them." Dijana observed.



John shook his head. "I have never been mistreated by a woman." He said. Dijana raised her eyebrows.



"Okay, well, she never threatened me or hurt me physically." John clarified his statement.



Dijana made a few notes. "I had a very interesting meeting with someone you know yesterday." She said nonchalantly.



"Oh, yeah? Who?" John asked, knowing only Kerry and Luka were authorized to know anything about where he was or his treatment.



"Remember Veronica Montgomery?" She asked, judging his reactions closely. John sat, frozen.



"I didn't give you a release to speak to her," he said quietly.



"As your former treating physician, I had to speak to her. I also have a copy of a videotape …" She began. John stood and began pacing.



"You have no right! That was between us, me, and Veronica …" he yelled as Dijana calmly watched.



"Don't forget Brandon." She said, stopping John cold in his tracks. He looked up at her and glared.



"You haven't the right to watch that tape," he said calmly.



"John? Have you watched the tape?" She asked, pulling the tape out of her bag. John stared at it as if it were a pile of snakes.



He subconsciously shook his head. "No." He mouthed.



Dijana watched him for a few seconds. She pulled out the napkin Veronica had given her for John. "John, she sent a message."



John's head popped around, his eyes gazing hopefully. Dijana slid the napkin toward the edge of the desk. John snapped it up, careful to stay clear of the videotape. He opened it slowly.



'F.H.T. remember it always. Love, V&B.'



John slowly sank to the floor, still staring at the napkin. He held his knees, reading the words over and over.



"What does F.H.T. mean, John?" Dijana walked over and joined him on the floor. He looked up with tears in his eyes.



"Fantasy, Hunger, and Trust." He whispered, a smile on his lips.



"John, do you trust me?" She asked. He looked at the note and smiled.



"Yes." He nodded. Dijana stood and she held out her hand.



"What's the scariest thing you've ever done?" She asked casually as she picked up the videotape and led him to the sofa.



"Dr. Sajak, every day is scary for me." He said, not really taking notice of what she had in her hand. He sat down and she took hold of his hands.



"John, in order to get better, we have to first realize what is bothering us, right?" She asked.



"I know I do, it's just so hard," he nodded.



"I know it is, sweetie. I'm going to put this videotape in, all right? If it gets to be too much, I want you to tell me, okay? Did you take the Paxil this morning?" She asked, walking to the television. She was sure that she had read in his chart where he had but just wanted to double check.



"Yeah." He answered, watching her every move.



"Okay, then, if you begin to have a flashback, honey, I can't give you Haldol. We're just gonna have to ride this thing out together, okay?" She watched his breathing become shallow as he began to hyperventilate. "John, put your head between your legs, okay?"



"Have you watched them?" He asked, gasping, his head down between his knees.



"Yes, I watched them last night and this morning." She admitted, rubbing his back as he tried to compose himself.



"Think I'm crazy?" He asked, raising his head. His whole face was white.



"No, I don't think you're crazy." She watched and waited for his breathing to calm down. Finally, he nodded that he was ready and she pressed play.



John chuckled as he watched Veronica stroking his face and how he playfully kissed her wrist. He pulled a pillow over and gently hugged it, drawing his legs up against his chest as he watched.



He watched his refusal to talk about the suicide attempt and his kidding about 'Happy Thoughts'. Then he began to go through his list of women, all evoking a different emotion inside his heart. Then he saw himself admit that he'd been in love with Lucy Knight and he bowed his head, guilt flooding his chest and the pain taking over.



He watched himself talking about the knives and noticed right away his rubbing of his wrist. He'd occasionally wonder why the skin on his wrist was sore and now he had his answer.



When he started talking about the 'love letters' he could feel his whole body shaking, his face already wet with silent tears. The sound of his own voice, how he defended her actions made him sick, and the mixed up feelings he was experiencing now began to overwhelm him. He began taking quick, deep breaths.



"Do you need for me to stop the tape, John?" Dijana asked.



John immediately shook his head. "No, keep going," he strained.



'See, I practice…' He heard. "Stop!" He said, doubled over, holding his stomach. "I'm going to be sick." He mumbled, trying to hold it in.



"Bathroom is in there." Dijana pointed. John sprinted in, slamming the door behind her. Hearing the door slam, Mike came running.



"Dijana? You okay?" He asked, bursting into her office.



"Yes, Mike. I'm fine. John just accidentally slammed the door, everything is fine." She smiled.



"You need me to stay nearby?" He asked. He'd seen Dijana attacked by clients before and he didn't want that to happen.



"No, Mike. We're fine. This is just very hard, okay?" She walked Mike back out her door. John emerged, looking drained.



"You all right?" She asked watching him sit back down on the sofa.



"Go ahead." He motioned to the television.



"You sure? We can stop anytime, John," she reassured him.



"No, I need to see them." He said, pulling the pillow back to his lap. Dijana restarted the tape.



'Sometimes, but not usually. She says it's messy. She says real men don't do that. She says real men only care about the woman's pleasure. She's teaching me to be a real man. Like older guys. Sometimes she yells at me. Sometimes she spanks me when I do.'



'Nicole spanks you?' Veronica asked as he nodded.



'Only when I deserve it, though. She says she does it to teach me not to hurt me. She loves me. She really does.'



"God, how I believed her." John mumbled, watching himself. Then he watched Veronica wake him up, putting on such a strong face for him when he could clearly now see the rage behind her eyes. "She had me actually believing I'd fallen asleep, too." He smiled.



"She cares very much for you, John," Dijana said.



"I know she does, both her and Brandon." He nodded, knowing in his heart that they loved him.



"Ready for session two?" Dijana asked. She didn't think now was the time to bring up Veronica's notes about his flashback in the kitchen that night. John smiled and nodded.



"Sure. Can't get much worse now can it?" He joked.



The video began with John and Brandon fooling around on the bed. It clearly showed them locked in a passionate kiss just as it started rolling. John blushed profusely and looked sideways at Dr. Sajak.



"Veronica told me," she whispered, seeing that John was clearly embarrassed.



"That bed holds a lot of memories," he mumbled as he bashfully buried his head.



"Good ones?" She asked.



John just smiled and nodded.



"Good. Keep them to yourself," Dijana winked.



John's mood quickly turned when he heard Veronica again bring up the suicide. Then he started talking about Abby and his heart flooded with ache. He'd been here for 4 days and hadn't spoken to her since the night before. She probably hated him by now. He certainly didn't expect her to be waiting for him.



"Is this Luka Kovac you're talking about here?" Dijana asked.



John nodded his confirmation.



Then he listened to his own voice and watched himself relive the breakup with Nicole all over again. The flood of feelings engulfed his soul, feeling raw and brand new as if she were in the room, laughing at him now. Then he watched himself curl up around Brandon. He missed Abby and he needed Brandon.



Dijana allowed him to sit and think for a few moments in silence. Then she spoke.



"John, would you be willing to have both Veronica and Brandon come here and hold a few sessions with you and my staff? Honey, I think this may be the advantage we need to get you to heal. You obviously trust them."



"She's not in any trouble is she?" He asked.



"No, honey. She was totally honest with me and handed over everything. As long as you don't have a problem with them being involved, I can only see it benefiting you in the long run," she explained.



"Okay, then. They can come," John agreed.
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